Eating Crow
It all started when I was searching for a boyfriend. I was about 24 years old. A teacher for about 2 years in the high school I graduated from, and wanting someone to share my time, joys, and life with.
I had had one really long relationship when I was in high school… a couple of boyfriends throughout college… a couple of one night stands, and a couple of duds… quite a few situations that did not leave me KNOWING I was going to marry that person. And I SWORE… up and down, left and right, sideways and backwards that I would never marry a military man.
Boy did I eat those words.
I was on a free dating website… I had paid for a few, knowing I was not going to find the man I would marry at a bar, or at my job, or anywhere around me… so I ventured into internet dating.
I received a lot of unsolicited pictures; and keep in mind that internet dating was a new thing, and Tinder didn’t exist… there were 2 or 3 dating websites that I paid subscriptions for, and then there was this free one.
I had talked to a few guys.. Some I had some good conversations with… and then one day, I saw this cute guy and read his profile… I decided to compose a message. I had my friend over that day, showed him the profile, and then his picture. He approved, and I showed him the message I was going to send. He hit “enter” before I could stop him.
And thus began my relationship with a man in the military.
He was finishing up his schooling at Dam Neck in Virginia Beach. He is originally from Oregon.. All the way on the West Coast. You see… I knew I wouldn’t meet the man I was going to marry anywhere near me in my hometown in Virginia.
We talked online for several months, and then decided to meet.
This consisted of emailing back and forth, filling out MySpace surveys to get to know each other better, and eventually led to talking on the phone. This was during a time where texting wasn't as prevalent, and smartphones weren't a common thing. If I recall, I had a Blackberry Curve. Or was it a Pearl? That's how long ago it was!
I remember getting excited when he would call.
I was teaching all day, coaching soccer and volleyball at night, and of course working with the heavy load that a teacher inevitably bears. I didn't have a lot of down time. But I so looked forward to the emails that would come through, or the MySpace notifications that would appear throughout the day. We knew each other's schedules, and set up times to chat when we could.
We finally decided to meet in person. I was terrified. What if he didn't look like his picture? What if he didn't like the way I looked. Catfishing is a thing! What if I inadvertently did this? What if he did it on purpose? Was he too good to be true?
Just to give you a glimpse into this relationship that led to our marriage… we met at a bar/restaurant in a neighboring town. I brought my friend with me that hit that “enter” button, and my other friend was working as a bartender at the establishment, so I could have her get a sneak peek before I arrived. He arrived before I did… and sat outside and began drinking.
My friend told me that he was super nervous, and he was there. He seemed fun and nice. It was great to have a spy.
I am going to be honest and cheesy here. As soon as he walked through the door, it was a "Can't Hardly Wait" moment. You know that moment where Jennifer Love Hewitt walks into the party and the music slows, there is a halo light above her head, she looks around confused as to why she's there, but the person looking at her knows it's true love, and is immediately enamored with her more than he was before? Yep. That was this moment. I knew at that moment that he was the man I was going to marry.
My next immediate thought was, "You are insane, Paula. What are you thinking?!"
After a while of chatting, laughing, and getting to know each other, he and his friends pull out a mullet wig. You heard me right. A mullet wig.
I have the pictures to prove it.
We laughed some more and continued to chat and laugh until closing time.
I even felt so comfortable with him there, and wanting to show off a little bit of me, I go and join the band to sing harmony on a song. If you know me, I hardly EVER sing in public. I'm a weeny. I have wanted to audition for American Idol forever, but have been too chicken to hear what Simon might say to me. (If you haven't noticed, I'm a bit of a catastrophist.. I assume the worst will happen. It makes me feel a little more prepared for what could happen, even though it rarely ever does.).
We then decided to go to a friends house to hang out some more. Time flew that night, and it turned into about 4:30 in the morning and we went to a 24 hour diner. They finally left at about 6 a.m. and drove back to base that morning.
I drove home in disbelief. Was something this good really happening to me? Was he this good? After this long string of bullshit, was I finally seeing the results of the compost, and looking at a fresh new garden?
I knew I was going to marry this man.
During this time, he has graduated from C school, and joined the “mythical fleet”. For those of you that are active duty service members, you know that it is called the “mythical fleet” because you only hear about it in boot camp, schoolings, and trainings. You don’t believe the fleet is real until you get assigned to sea duty.
Chad graduated first in his class, and had the opportunity to get first pick at orders. He and his best friend had planned to go to Japan for their first duty station. Well, the poor bastard met me… and decided to stay state side. He even decided to stay on the east coast for me so I could be close to my family.
I remember having the conversation with him. We were still dating, but I told him I would follow him anywhere. And I meant it.
He ended up getting stationed in VA, and moved in with me in my hometown.
We both knew that we wanted to be together forever. He finally admitted it later on after we were married. He likes to play it cool... but I distinctly remember that we went bowling a few weeks into our relationship, and he just kept staring at me and smiling... he also looked in disbelief and awe. He kept telling me he wanted to tell me something, but wasn't sure how I would react. I've been in those situations... where a guy is ready to tell you he loves you far too early and you end up running for the hills to escape the clinginess. I didn't feel that way. I all but begged him to tell me. He didn't. He just kept staring at me like I was the prettiest, largest present on Christmas morning under the tree, impatiently waiting to unwrap it and revel in its glory. I soaked it up.
The first time we said "I Love You" came very soon after. I think the next weekend. Three or so weeks into our "official" relationship. One of the things you need to know about me is that I am TERRIBLE with directions. I am geographically challenged, amongst other things... even though I have lived in this area for a long time, I still didn't really know my way around. I blame this a little on my parents who were very overprotective and didn't let me drive outside of my hometown often. GPS wasn't a thing then, either... if you wanted to get around, you had to print out MapQuest directions and pray you could multitask. We were headed to the mall to see a movie. He's not from here, but was doing his best! He asked me for directions. I told him one way, I should have known to tell him the opposite of what I thought, because that's just how it works for me, and we get lost. He doesn't get angry. He just looks over and says "This is why I love you."
My heart skipped a beat.
I looked at him and said "You love me?" thinking he made a mistake, and giving him the opportunity to take it back. He didn't. He said, "Yeah! You're funny and so ditzy. I love it, and I love you. I've been wanting to say it."
I said, "Awww. I love you, too! And I've been wanting to say it, too!". We hold hands, kiss at a stop light, and finally make our way to the movie.
I also remember he told me that he was proud to be with me in public. He wasn't embarrassed. I've been in those relationships, too.
We made time for each other. He didn't have a car at the time; it was still in Oregon. I remember when we first started talking that he said he wasn't going to kiss me until he could take me on a date. This meant he had to have a car. He was using his buddy's for a while. I remember thinking, "This is him trying to be nice and letting me down." Nope. He made an effort to get out to see me, and tried not to take advantage of me driving out there all the time. One night he came to visit, and didn't walk out with his buddies immediately. He wanted to kiss me. You know you can tell. I didn't want to make the first move, but I was eager. I remember him leaning down, but I also remember freaking out and wanting to take advantage of the situation. I got brave. If he was just leaning down to kiss me on the forehead, I was going to take charge and just give him a smack on the lips! Turns out he was going to give me a kiss, and in my haste, my lips were rock hard and I pecked him like a chicken, and then he walked off and was like, "yeah, you should check out that episode, see ya!"
I called my friend and cried and yelled in the phone, "I ruined it! I ruined it!" That was the worst kiss I had ever given someone. I don't know why he came back, but he did. I rectified that situation...
We talked about kids, we talked about jobs, and we talked about duty stations.
We can’t keep secrets or surprises from each other. It's still like that to this day...
It was Chad's birthday. We were running separate errands that day.. Me getting his cake and presents all ready, and him just “running errands”. We met back up at my parents house for dinner, which was a common occurrence since we only lived about 5 minutes down the road.
He was acting funny… not in a concerning way, but in a way that I knew something was up. My parents were in the kitchen doing something, and we were in the living room. He then pulls out a small, black velvet box. I try not to get myself too excited because, well, duds. He then opens it and shows me what is inside.
He had been shopping for engagement rings all day.
I almost have a heart attack. My mind starts racing…
“We’ve only been dating 9 months!”
“Is he serious?”
“Don’t play with my emotions!”
Turns out I said that one out loud. He laughed. “I’m not. I’m dead serious,” he said.
I have to run to the back of the house to keep from hyperventilating. I didn’t know if my parents already knew, but I knew if they didn’t I couldn’t tell them because he has to ask them for their blessing! We also talked about that a lot before, so he knew the rule.
I finally compose myself, and we leave my parents and go out to dinner. I tell him I can’t believe this… I ask him if he’s sure… and he says yes. Then he pulls out the rings again, and tells me to look at them. I was so excited earlier that I didn’t take a close look at it.
I told him I couldn’t look at it… it had to be bad luck or something… he shoves it in my hand and I look at them.
I had told him what I thought I wanted my engagement ring to look like… but this was different and absolutely gorgeous. I shut it quickly and hand it back to him and again tell him not to play with my emotions… We get to dinner, and he says that he doesn’t want anything else for his birthday other than to have me for the rest of his life.
What a romantic.
Now, I won’t tell you the WHOLE engagement story, as it may not be appropriate here… but this, again, just exemplifies the husband I am so lucky to have.
Needless to say I said ‘yes’.
Thus began the wedding planning.
He had been stationed on the USS George H. W. Bush. This was the newest carrier at the time, and they were gearing up for her maiden voyage. This meant a world tour. Pretty exciting!
Except if you have no idea what to expect of a deployment or underways or port visits.
My mind was spinning again.
Because of this maiden voyage world tour, this deployment was a big one. And it was happening very soon since she was so recently christened.
That meant that we had 4 months to plan our wedding.
That’s right. FOUR months.
This was a conundrum for a few reasons.
We thought we might wait until he got back from deployment for us to get married and have the wedding I was picturing in my mind. Getting married in August, Gerber daisies for my bouquet, a light weight dress, no other holiday or family celebration day to share… but the Navy told us a different story.
If we weren’t married, I wouldn’t have access to all of the things that spouses had access to. Granted, I was an independent woman that had a townhouse and a job and a car and I was taking care of my own business… but if anything happened to him while on deployment, I had no rights, no access to information, and life would be a bit more difficult since we weren’t officially married.
Mom, I’m apologizing now for spilling these beans… but we were seriously considering just going down to the courthouse and getting married only in an official capacity for the benefits of a spouse during a deployment.
We didn’t.
I may have been threatened with a big fat nothing for a wedding or reception had I eloped. We decided against it. :)
So… we were off to plan a wedding in four months to be married before he left that January. We were engaged in July. We started planning in August. Thank goodness my mom is a well-organized machine... she jumped right on everything!
I was stressed out because I knew that a lot of times, people have to wait a year or so for venues and churches and caterers and dresses, etc.
However, I have an amazing group of women around me and they got on the phone using all of their resources… We had my childhood church, a reception venue, a caterer, and a photographer. The wedding date was set for December 5th. My one rule was NO CHRISTMAS. I hate the winter… so I wasn’t as pleased with that, but, we were getting married, so that was really all that mattered.
In the few months we had, we got EVERYTHING taken care of. This was difficult though.
Chad was gone every couple of weeks.
A lot of the planning was sent through emails to the ship. A lot of questions went unanswered.
A lot of appointments were made on the weekends while he was home, even if only for one full day.
Somehow, it all got done and all went off without a hitch. We were married.
In addition to cake that evening, I also at crow.
Thus begins my life as a navy spouse. And although I’m not done being a Navy spouse… I have lots of stories to tell.
