Slowly Dying

The emptiness in my stomach seems right again

The loud grumbling can be silenced by running

I know I only just started to relapse again but it's funny how my body takes to it so naturally

In the mornings I drink coffee

Now I use it to replace my meals as well but in the mornings

Its innocent

I'm tired and want coffee

The pains havent started yet

I dont feel hungry yet

Although the thought of food in general is sickening

I know I only just started again but I've already lost 3 pounds and I remember why I never wanted to stop

I wasn't as big this time

But my stomach is no longer bloated in the mornings

And at night I go to bed hungry and it is so familiar

When I go to the bathroom I do 50 jumping jacks and 20 situps

I was done writing because i didnt want to always be looking for the sad thing to write about

But this morning I took a breath in and out came a poem

I dont feel overly sad but I do know that this might be bad

Because I dream of bones and blood

I watch the skinny girls exist and I am so damn jealous

I see my skinny friends and family and view it as a competition that i want to win even if it hurts me

I know i only just started again

But I already never want to stop

And I'm willing to win at any cost