The Sepia Colored Scene

Haikyuu Fanfiction

posted in ao3 | unedited since 2018

The sepia colored scene; leaves slowly parting to its branches, river by the side gushing over, sound of calm wind blowing the surrounding, the crunch of stepped greeneries, and two young boys. Kenma closed his eyes as he remembered the past, gently haunting him, hands on the top his clenching heart. No, he didn’t want to recall those memories anymore, but when times like this, he couldn’t help it at all. The pain ached his heart and gave him a hollow feeling on his body; still, he loved to feel the sting over and over again. Just to remind himself that he is still breathing, that he can still feel feelings, which he’s still a human after all.

A glimpse of the past ran off through his mind. Kuroo running back and forth at their backyard and him sits on a bench playing games on his phone as he timidly watched the boy from his peripheral vision. The boy, Kuroo Tetsurou, is a neighbour, a friend. But Kenma couldn’t find the perfect words to describe the kind of relationship they have. Kuroo said they were best friends, but he wasn’t sure if he is. From the way he treats Kuroo, he couldn’t understand how he was his best bud when he’s just ignoring him all the time. Still, he was happy for it. To have a friend; to have Kuroo Tetsurou in his life.

But now, he’s not sure anymore if he’s still happy for Kuroo.

He couldn’t lie, he couldn’t pretend.

Because the truth is, he’s not happy at all.

“A-ah…” Kenma let out a soft whimper as his eyes was stuck on the screen. He couldn’t believe what he saw, sure, he saw this coming, but to slap the truth on his face was too much for him. Slowly recovering from the pain, he typed the words Kuroo expected from his.

[4/13/21, 3:41 PM] Kenma Kozume: I’m happy for you. Congratulations Kuroo.

There’s no way he was happy for him. There’s no way he could hide the fact that he was sad and broken for the sudden news. There just no way…. that he’ll give his full support to Kuroo. And he knew it was wrong, and that it’s selfish. But what should he do?

He immediately logged out from his account and dashed his way to the comfort room. Kenma sat at the floor, facing the bowl as he tries to vomit the excruciating pain he felt. He let out frustrated shouts, punched his chest over and over again, expecting that the ache would be gone. But it didn’t happen, it was always there; the heavy feeling, the throbbing pain, the sadness, his broken self and he was alone, always alone. The guilt, the pain, the sadness, and the anger washed over him and he just couldn’t help himself to try to throw those unwanted emotions away. But for the first time in his life, Kenma didn’t lie;

He’s not happy that Kuroo’s marrying Tsukishima.

Korea was clearly different to Tokyo, Kenma said to himself as one day he tried to have a run on the gym of the condominium he was living. After trying to be okay again, he decided to freshen up, and went to his session. The treadmills were placed at the glass wall of the room, giving him a sight of the beautiful sea of lights of the busy streets of Korea. The country gave him a different vibe, and he knew what it was. He felt strange here, everywhere in this city screams that he does not belong here but still he insisted to be one of them, than continue to live in Tokyo who never fails to suffocate him. But no matter how he poisons his mind that it was the truth, his heart just couldn’t agree with it. Tokyo was home. Kuroo was home, but he is not Kuroo’s home.

After graduating college, Kenma immediately accepted his Uncle’s offer to work in South Korea. Not having second thoughts, he flew as soon as possible to the unfamiliar city. He knew he needed a break, and this was the best decision he ever made; to run away from the pain.

The moment Kuroo met Tsukishima back in highschool, Kenma instantly knew what would happen. And it’s not like he can do anything about it, because who was he to interfere with Kuroo’s life? Who’s Kenma to disapprove of his decisions? Who’s Kenma to be selfish and not want his best bud to experience happiness and love from someone? It was his first time to see his friend that happy, and it’s not because of him. His genuine smile, laugh, care, attention, love and everything was for the blond beautiful male. Obviously, Kuroo Tetsuroo is for Tsukishima Kei. And who’s Kenma Kozume to his life; childhood friend.

At young age, Kenma knew he had feelings for his friend. But he stopped himself to confess because it would fuck everything up. He wouldn’t want to lose a true friend, he doesn’t want to mess things up. Even right now. There’s just no point when in the first place, Kuroo was clearly obsessed with someone, and he’ll just look stupid to try and tell his feelings. It will just make him broken and sad. He doesn’t want to deal another heartbreak.

He knew, the truth is already slapped on his face. So what’s the use, right? It’s not like he can’t move on, surely, he can find someone else. But, it’s been years, and it’s only been him. And he also knew it was wrong. He loves him so much that all he wishes for Kuroo is the man’s happiness, even though his’ is at risk.

Kenma tapped the buttons of the treadmill, and fasten its pace. Clearly, he’s not pumped up in the gym like what he was supposed to do. He needs to clear his mind and just think of positive thoughts, instead of making himself bleed over and over again. He salutes to the entire martyr’s in the world, but he’s never going to be one. But who was he kidding, he’s a martyr.

He shook his head, trying to erase those thoughts away. Kenma closed his eyes, and let out a deep sigh. But as soon as he shut his eyes, Kuroo and Tsukishima popped into his mind and sight, making him stop and tripped over the treadmill.

A gym instructor helped him and stopped the equipment. Kenma sighed and bit his lip. “I’m sorry—Thank you…” He stuttered.

“No problem, Kenma-san. Are you alright?” The gym instructor asked. Kenma nodded. “I need a break. Thank you again.” He said and left the room.

The sight of the two of them was poison to him. He couldn’t take it. He just couldn’t.

The day after, Kenma received a call early in the morning. He grumped as he reached for his phone at the side table. The brightness of the screen shocked his sight and he couldn’t help but to shut his eyes closed. Few minutes, his eyes adjusted to the foreign vision and looked who called. His heart panged when he saw the name.

Tsukishima Kei calling…

He stared at it for a couple of moments, having second thoughts of answering the call. Would he answer it? Or just ignore it? He can pretend he’s still asleep right? So rude, he thought. Thus he answered.

[Good morning, Kenma-san. Sorry for the trouble] Tsukishima said on the other line.

Kenma bit his lip, and soon responded. “Good morning Tsukishima. It’s okay. What’s wrong?”

[Uh.. it’s just, Tetsu requested me to ask you if when are you going home.. He’s now asleep after pestering me. Sorry for the trouble] His voice was cold but soft. No wonder, Kuroo always liked to hear his voice.

He tried hard not to sound hurt. “Uh, I’ll be home soon.” Replied shortly.

[Okay, thank you Kenma-san. We’ll be expecting.] Tsukishima said.

“Yes.. Sure. Congratulations, Tsukishima.”

His voice broke.

[Thank you, Kenma-san.]

His heart broke.

And he was home. After 4 years, Kenma is now at home. Kuroo’s infront of him.

Kuroo smiled and waved at him. “Welcome back Kenmaaa!”

“Hello, Kuroo.” He replied as he went to him.

The bedhead let out a grin. “How was the flight?”

“It was fine.” He said, not meeting his gaze.

Instead of giving his full attention to Kuroo, Kenma stared at the busy street of Tokyo’s airport. The wind blows his hair, and the cold enveloped him but Kuroo’s warmth beside him was enough to feel okay. After years of running away and forgetting his feelings, just one look from him, and he’s back from his old self again. It’s unfair, so unfair.

“I missed you.” Kuroo said out of nowhere.

Kenma immediately gazed at him, shocked, Kuroo met his gaze and smiled. “I missed my best bud.”

“I thought Bokuto’s your best bud?” Kenma asked, trying to feel okay. The atmosphere was heavy; it was making him feel the pain over and over again. “Nah, you’re better than him.” Kuroo answered.

The drive on the way home was long, and awkward. Kenma fiddled through his phone while Kuroo was busy manoeuvring the wheels. The silence stretched for a couple of moments until Kuroo decided to cut it off.

“How are you, Kenma?” He asked while his eyes was on the street.

Kenma looked outside. “I’m fine, Kuroo.” He answered. “You?”

“Better than before.” Kuroo answered and he heard him smile.

“That’s great…” He answered. “G-good for you.”

Kenma closed his eyes as he leaned his forehead at the window. He need a grip of himself, and with just one wrong move, he could fuck everything. He never wanted these feelings in the first place; he had no idea that it would stay this long. He expected that his love for the man would be gone by the time he’s at Korea but it never happened.

Maybe, the only thing to make them go away is to confess?

But no, he would never do that. Especially now that Kuroo’s getting married.

What would happen if he confessed way back high school or in middle school? Kenma thought. Would the past change the present now but would ruin the future? But who was he kidding anyways; Kuroo never liked him as someone special. He was just a friend, more like, a brother.

But if Kenma was given a chance to go back in the past, he would.

He’ll correct the mistakes he made, he’ll make everything okay. But he just made one mistake. He did not confessed way back. It was his’ only mistake because loving Kuroo was never wrong in the first. It was his’ decisions and fears that fucked him up. It was his fright of rejection.

If only he realized sooner, that rejection is everywhere. He would’ve done the only thing he should’ve done a long time ago. If only, he was mature enough to take risks, then maybe, he was fine now. Rejection is part of life, and so is acceptance.

Maybe, if Kenma confessed his love for the man back in the old days, maybe, just maybe, he moved on already. Maybe after admitting, he realized that there’s more to life. Maybe, after the rejection, he would find someone else and prove that it was just an infatuation. Because maybe, after all those times; Kenma is fine now. But he’s not.

And pity to him, because even up until now, he still love Kuroo.

“And we’re here~” Kuroo chirped and stopped the engine.

Kenma was dumbfounded as he stared at the familiar road outside. “Why did you bring me here?”

“Well, you need to visit your hideout Kenma! C’mon, it’s been four years!” Kuroo said and went out.

Kenma let out a deep sigh and slightly punched his chest. The pain is determined to ruin him, and he didn’t want to mess things up even until now. He don’t want to lose control, he don’t want to let this go. Kenma soon went out the vehicle and followed Kuroo the familiar route they walked when they were little.

The cold wind hugged him, making him feel lonelier. Kenma feels so void, like empty. But the moment his eyes met Kuroo’s, he was back alive. And he can’t blame himself for the way it blindsided him.

He looked at the leaves slowly parting to its branches, river by the side gushing over, sound of calm wind blowing the surrounding, the crunch of stepped greeneries, and to him, Kuroo. The thoughts of past, present, and future engulfed his mind as he continue to stare at this surrounding especially to the man infront of him.

“Kuroo..”

And for the first time of his life, Kenma asked even when in pain.

“Why him?”

He asked; heart weary, eyes teary.

“Why not me?”

And he was back to the sepia colored scene.

a/n; this kinda received hate in ao3, but some ppl were fine with it. and i wanted to convey a message here and i had no intention to offend a character and disrespect a ship. i hope you’ll realize something with this.

all the love ♡