05/08/2020
05/08/2020. Am I supposed to live a normal life as a happy teenager who is to become a successful adult? Was I supposed to be friendly whereas all my surroundings are extremely ignorant when it comes to the others' feelings? But who am I to require support from the others if I can't give it to anybody either? Oh, Mike, you're so greedy and don't want to give anything back. Pathetic one. What outstanding I have done during my life? I'm too shy to tell anybody from real life, but I can share it with my diary: nothing. Yes, I have done nothing useful during my life. Nothing that would make someone else's life better. My color is grey, I suppose. Neither light, neither dark and associated with unpleasant things. How much I'd like to start my life from scratch to invest more time into self-development, helping the others, and thus, do something really useful for everybody.
How much time do I spend lying on bed and starting at the ceiling? Or sitting on the windowsill and watching busy and dull passers-by go past my house, holding a case in one hand and a cup of coffee – in the other? I don't want to end up my life like I spend it now or like those office workers so much, but what have I done to be different and remembered? I am not unique at all – I'm a mediocre teenage boy who attends high school. When I start to think about graduation, that is to happen soon, I've got my heart in my mouth. I have started to question myself what I would like to do in my life as a grown-up – the results are worrying. I have no prodigies, no hobbies and nothing new I would like to learn.
However how on Earth can a person tell whether he or she can or can't do something without even trying it? Low self-esteem is a real issue among modern youth, and not modern one as well – we just can recognize the problem while the older generations are less educated on this topic. It’s not like our generation is more sensitive to the world – we are the first ones to recognize all the issues, that the older generations ignore and pretend they don't exist. Why the hell are people, who want to find out something new, are laughed at, like what a weirdo she is – look at her – she thinks she has a depression! It's so funny! She just wants to be not like the others and does it for attention.
I have been thinking if I have depression for rather a long while, and now I've realized it is actually so. But let's remember about the others' ignorance and that I'm still a minor, thus can't go to see a psychiatrist by myself. I'm so done with all this world, but feel like I'm too weak to kill myself. But I still want to die and every day hope it's the day of my demise. Who should I say all of this to? To my parents? So that I know that I'm just an ungrateful child who only wants attention? Or maybe to hear that I must repent to the God for my thoughts otherwise I will go to hell? I really hate my parents but don't want them to die – I'm not the one to decide who's worth living and who isn't.
And I know for sure one thing – I am not worth living. I am a good-for-nothing loser who isn't manly enough and who hasn't seen real life yet. It's so terrifying to think about how much I have to encounter in the future just to live. At least, I hope one day I might be hit by a car and stop my dreary existence forever.
