Hospital
Your eyes were slowly opening. It was blurry but you heard people talking and saying your name. Your eyes got more clear and saw seven boys near your bed.
Y/N: Where am I?
You were looking around confused.
Yoongi: You jumped off the bridge.
Namjoon: Are you Ok?
You can tell he was the most worried one out of them.
Y/N: Y...Yes...
Jung Hoseok: Here I bought some flowers for you. He hands you some flowers.
Kim Seokjin: WITH MY MONEY! While he was looking in his wallet.
You giggled while looking at Kim Seokjin. Jung Hoseok got a little mad.
Namjoon: Awww is someone mad? Hoseok Started blushing. Hoseok: N....no! The doctor comes in.
Doctor: Hello! Kim Taehyung: Is she gonna be okay? When is she going to be released? Is She going to stay here forever?
Jungkook: Tae she's gonna be okay calm down.
Doctor: Yes she's free to go but I need to talk to someone in this group.
Namjoon: Yeah! Me! Namjoon and the doctor when outside the door to talk.
Doctor: She needs someone to stay by her side if we have her back here again for the same reason she will be sent to a Mental Hospital. Namjoon looked at the doctor in shock.
Namjoon: Okay. The doctor walked off. Namjoon walked into the room sadly.
Jimin: Namjoon is everything okay? You looked at Namjoon and turned your head mad when he looked back at you. Namjoon sigh and turned to Jimin. Namjoon whispered everything that the doctor said. Jimin looked at Namjoon worried and shook his head. Hoseok was flirting with you and Yoongi was getting mad and hugged you. You smiled and hugged back and you looked at Hoseok. You tried letting Yoongi go but he refused to let you go. Y/N: Yoongi are you okay?
Yoongi: Please don't leave me again... You started crying and hugged Yoongi tightly.
Yoongi: It's okay now I'm here I'll always be here for you........I love you Y/N. Everyone looked at you and got mad.
Your mind: Omg Yoongi! I don't know what to do at this point?
You smile and Yoongi let you go.
Y/N: I love you too I love everyone here I'm thankful you are all here! Everyone smiled and you raised your hands
Y/N: Group Hug! Everyone smiled and hugged you tightly.
Y/N: Okay get out I need to change!
Everyone got up real quick and ran out the door and closed it. You smiled and you picked up your clothes walked to the bathroom. Someone knocked on your hospital door. You take a towel and cover yourself and open the door.
Y/N: Yes? Jungkook was at the door.
Jungkook: Uhhhh...Sorry, A...are you hungry?
Y/N: Yes!! but imma take a quick shower okay? Jungkook blushed and shook his head and walked away. You smiled and closed the door and took a quick shower and jumped out and changed and got your stuff packed and walked out. You had the flower that Hoseok gave you. You looked up and Namjoon held a big stuffed bear with a rose. Jungkook was holding a box with your favorite snacks and he was holding balloons. You smiled and ran up to them and hugged them.
Y/N: Thank you!
Jimin: Come on let's go home. You looked at them confused
Y/N: Home? They shook their heads. you put your head down.
Y/N: I...Don't have a home. Jin grabbed your hand and looked at you.
Jin: Come on its's getting dark let's go home.
Everyone walked out of the hospital and you got tired of walking. Next thing you knew you were falling and someone catches you.
Hi! I saw your post in the introduction category and thought I'd give your story a read. so here are some things I noticed:
· You should consider breaking up your text into paragraphs. When you have just one big block of text, it makes it more difficult for the reader to follow. You should have only one person speaking per paragraph, and if that means a very short paragraph with just a person talking, that's fine. And speaking of which...
· I would also consider changing the way you write your dialogue in general. Having the person's name with a colon before their lines reads like a script rather than a novel. So for example, instead of
Jungkook: (insert dialogue)
You could do
Jungkook said (insert dialogue)
It just makes your story flow better.
· Try to add more description. This story is mostly dialogue, which is important, but you also need to be able to describe the scene so the reader can envision it. It's a balance between the two, and trust me, I know it's not easy. Just start by adding some descriptive phrases occasionally to break up your dialogue. It will come more naturally the more you practice it. It doesn't have to be a perfect 50/50 balance, just make sure not to completely neglect one over the other.
· Finally, and this isn't so much a critique as a general tip: there's nothing wrong with writing in second person, just know that many people do not like that style of writing, and it can quickly get old if you can't immerse your reader in the story (another reason why description is important). Second person is usually reserved for choose-your-own-adventure interactive stories, it doesn't mean you can't use it, but you will have to find ways to get the reader to really feel like they are in the story.
I'm not saying you're a bad writer and that this is just a horrible story or anything, so I hope you don't get that idea. What I am saying is that you should try to work on your writing technique because I promise it will make a huge difference. You can be as great as you want to be. Don't let people tear you down and get you discouraged. My first stories would make me cringe today, they were that bad. Just stick with it, keep writing, keep improving, and you will get there.
First thing first, this is definitely a BTS fanfic, so, you'd better move it to the appropriate category. The idea might be interesting, but I would suggest you to turn the dialogues into proper paragraphs, like what the others have commented, and add PLENTY of details (the atmosphere, the setting, the appearance of the people, etc.). Readers want details. Readers want to be able to picture as well as to feel through your words.