Prologue
I feel like I can never capture the moment. The only times I get close to that feeling is if I concentrate really hard and think. Think about where I am, what I’m doing, I’m usually alone whilst I do this and it’s mostly the nighttime when it’s really quiet and I can no longer be distracted by the outside world.
I wish I could hold onto that moment, that feeling of right now. I know that what I’m experiencing and what I’m seeing is the present because it’s not yesterday and it’s also not tomorrow. But that moment is so short I can never grab it. I can never truly captivate it. I’m trying my hardest to not let go. To live every minute and every second but it never works. At least not for long.
It’s weird to realize that this moment will soon become yesterday. But what even is the present? Does anyone know it? Has anyone truly experienced it? My life’s filled with memories of the past and worries of the future. Most of the time I just feel like I’m wasting my precious hours and days but even if I don’t waste them, even if I do something productive, tomorrow will still come. And after that another tomorrow will take the previous one’s place and pretty soon I’ll be nothing but yesterday.
A human that once lived but no longer does. That’s what I’ll turn into. That’s what everyone will turn into.
I’ve heard it so many times - “live in the moment” but what does that even mean? The moment isn’t everlasting. Does it even exist?
I wish I could pause it. I wish I could tell whoever controls the time to stop, just for a little bit, just so I can take a breath. I just want to make everything current. I just want to know what today really is.
Moments like these are the only times I feel like myself.
I feel like I actually think.
I feel like I actually make the decisions.
I feel like I actually exist...
But do I really? I guess I’ll never know.
