FAILED AS PERFECT

Have you ever wondered what it will be when you give up? When you act like someone that you are not? Coming to conclusion I need to stop what I am doing because this is taking me nowhere near good for my mental health. I have an older brother who supports me for who I am and he needs to understand that he was the first. I was second, I didn’t matter. If I could right now I will be rebelling between the rules and my parent's deeds if I can. But I can’t. “Leana please make sure you do everything in time I don’t want to be told you're a disappointment and tell me everything I need to do.” The words of my dear mother who doesn’t understand that soon she is going to lose her daughter if she keeps it up. I need something, someone, or somewhere to go where disappointment doesn’t get to me as it does now. I need to go find myself and I can't anymore because it is getting to me and I need to find my heart at peace I need to leave. Having all of those thoughts is not easy. They're like having suicide thoughts but so much calmer not to the point you want to kill yourself. Being or trying to be perfect is not the easy thing you can do because we weren't born normal with no mistakes. Humans make mistakes and after we move on. My brother James was treated nothing like I was. I was kind of jealous at first but then when I got older the more I learned that he didn't let all the comments of people and our parents get to him but ignored it. This might be the life for me to do now and forget about everything and start new. I have been wondering for the last years of my teenage life, what it would be like to rebel? So as I go into my senior year I hope I can be the person I want to be and not the person people want me to be. I want to be more out there in the world of my youth instead of Mom and Dad choosing what I have to do. I am seventeen and I am old enough to make my own decisions whether they like it or not. I was always bullied for being the shy kid in school the nerdy little girl who depends on Daddy and Mommy for life. I don't want that for my life at all. Concluding that it's my life and not theirs. I might be the second heir but it doesn't mean that they can come and change everything for me when James is doing the things he loves right now. So I ask myself, What the difference between me? Why can't I be the same? Senior Year is going to be different. I am making the change in my own life, how I want to live. James my brother is very supportive of his sister but when it comes to boys I might need another reason for him to be over-protective. Why can't he be the same when mom and dad are yelling at me for a freaking B+? I am going to change the way I dress, the Way I speak and the way I do things. Parties have never been my thing, but if I need to go and show my point then I will have no hesitation in showing up if I need to. I need to be the person I want to be not what other people want. I have a dream since I was a child and I want to follow it. Not be some freaking CEO of the family business once I turn 18. I need change and Senior year is going to be the year for that. "LEANA PLEASE, HAVE YOU HAVEN'T GIVEN ME YOUR SCHEDULE!!" This where it all starts. I am not going to give my mom my schedule because what mom doesn't know she doesn't need to know. I sighed getting up from bed and started getting all the baggy clothes out of my closet to start for the change. I have a week left before school starts and I am going to dress to Impress the first day walking into Saint Monica Public Highschool. Walking down the hall I knock on my brother's room. "Hey, James. I was wondering if you can take me to the store. I don't want to run into mom and dad and I need a couple of things for school." He looked up from his game console. "What happen sis? You ok what happened?" He looked at me worriedly since I always go into his room when something happens. "Can you take me to the mall please I need to get a couple of things?" He nodded pausing his game making sure his friends know. Getting up from the couch on his floor he grabbed his keys and out the door we went. After he dropped me off he made sure to leave a couple of cash. I mean he works so much he has so much cash. "Hi welcome to Victoria secret what can I help you with?" I explain the look I was looking for and told her my transformation from Baggy clothes to sexy and bad girl type of clothes and she gave me a couple of options to try out. Three or four hours later I came home with a handful of clothes from different stores and shoes and I didn't forget the In & Out from my brother since he told me to get him. "Hey bro I got the goods." I stopped when my mom and dad have their arms crossed in front of them. "What the hell is going on in here? why the hell do you have all these clothes when I made sure your closet was set with the clothes I wanted you to wear." I laughed and made sure They heard me. "Well, I guess it's time for a change huh? I needed an upgrade anyway." Leaving them with shocked faces and a proud brother.