Numbness

Hey, you know what I miss you and I always had. I don't remember how I actually was before you took over my mind. Actually it's none of your fault and not even mine I wonder.... everything thing just happened and happened. I feel broken, I feel a kind of ache in my chest, I feel like I feel things which I don't know why I feel and what is it, but it's taxing. I don't wish to be happy but I wish to get over this....come out of this phase. Unrequited feelings are toxic. I guess I have changed a bit cuz I hesitated a lot to even use the word 'feelings'....but here I am now. You know actually I hesitated to do a lot many things before this and the list included opening up myself....or maybe expressing myself or giving a voice to my emotions and feelings....cuz people judge and never understand!!... whether I sometimes get angry and say something out of my anger which I 90% will regret after saying or if I choose to not say it out loud and write down in my diary to avoid loosing people cuz I understand the anger, the jealousy and all those bloody emotions if l say it loud I may lose you and regret it forever. But it's fine cuz I lost you now...both of you. But I don't Regret instead I feel more broken, hurt. I don't know how many nights or how many months I have cried and still am......♥️