Things I wanted to say but never did.

A lot of people say, pain is the worst feeling and it isn’t, because I feel nothing, some days I just wake up and think to myself, again? I have to wake up again and feel this overwhelming amount of nothingness? I hurt myself because I want to feel something, and pain is the easiest thing to feel, and I let myself suffer because I’d rather be in pain than be numb. But the problem is, when I hurt myself more, whether it’s emotional or physical, it doesn’t hurt. I don’t want to die. I just want to wake up and feel nothing but happiness, everyone else makes it look easy. It isn’t. I wake up and I hate something else about myself, I wake up and I hate myself a little more than I did yesterday. Everything hurts, but no one likes to talk about that pain, they like to sweep it under the rug and pretend everything is fine, so I do, I’ll plaster a smile, I’ll laugh all day long, like a machine, and some days I can’t. Some days I feel things, but it isn’t happiness, it’s like sadness but it isn’t it’s hurt and on those days, I break and I cry, I’ll cry for hours, I try to let people know that I hurt, but that’s attention seeking. So I cry it out and then wait for the next time I break.