1
It all just started with a craving. Funny how things can escalate, but it’s true. I love myself some chocolate-coated peppermint-gingerbread seasonal cookies, which don’t come out until the first day of December each year, and I’d be damned if I didn’t go down to the nearest mall to buy several packages that would maybe, very possibly last me all winter on the 1st. I went during my lunch, ready to rip the first packet open as soon as I paid for at the register.
It was just my luck that they were sold out when I arrived. I inquired around the store, but nobody knew when they’d be back in stock. A little irked, I left and decided to walk around the mall for a while, so as to make my trip worthwhile. The holidays were coming, after all. It’d be a good idea to start thinking about gifts.
I wandered around aimlessly until I found myself in a kitchen appliance shop. I browsed shelves upon shelves of beautiful shining blenders and mixers, ovens, microwaves, piles of brand-new pots and pans and assorted devices whose use I couldn’t even guess. And then I found myself staring at it, the item that started the clusterfuck: a nifty little corkscrew that also included a butter knife and a fork. Perfect for—well, winetasting, maybe. I’d seen it several times on infomercials and had always been kind of drawn to it.
It wasn’t that I needed it, but I really liked the design. It had a sandalwood grip and the metal parts were made of stainless steel. On the handle, the company’s name was carved: Cookborg. It was 20% off, so I figured I’d indulge myself. Considering my disappointing forage for the cookies, I reasoned I deserved it. I took it off the shelf and noticed it was the last one. Huh, I thought. Well good for me. I didn’t notice the two people staring at me from the end of the aisle, nor the shocked look of indignation in their faces.
I exited work at 5 o’clock in the afternoon and went down to my parking space in the basement. The corkscrew was safely away in a green and red bag branded Cookborg; I couldn’t wait to try it at home. Funny how stupid purchases like that one can give you such a high. Anyway, when I arrived at my car—a modest white sedan with only two doors—I noticed two people wearing trench coats out of the corner of my eye. I didn’t think much because this was a parking garage and our shift had just ended, so naturally there would be people milling around, never mind how they were dressed. I got in the car and started the engine. I was about to drive away when a cold hand touched my arm.
“What the—” I jumped. It was one of the trench coat people.
“Henlo, fellow person,” a female voice exclaimed. I could tell it was trying to be friendly, and it was failing miserably. Also, henlo?
“Umm, hi,” I replied. “You see, ma’am, I’m kind of in a hurry, so if you don’t mind, I’ll—”
“Oh, no distress. We just want to have a quick… chat, correct, John?”
“Correct, Jane,” a male voice chimed from behind her. I leaned over and saw the other trench coat person giving us a thumbs-up.
I tried to look into Jane’s face, but it was obscured by a beach hat and sunglasses. All I could see properly were her lips, which were painted a bright purple. I looked at the guy standing behind her and saw that he was wearing a bucket hat and sunglasses. Funny outfits. I didn’t give them much thought.
I feigned annoyance. “What is it? I need to get home to my family.”
“We observed that you purchased an interesting device in the purchasing—store, I mean.”
“An interesting—do you mean the corkscrew?”
“Correct. With a pointy metal curvature.”
“Ummm… sure.” I eyed her suspiciously. “What about it?”
“We require it. We are braced ourselves—prepared—to provide a substantial amount of currency for it.”
I stared at her, then switched my gaze toward the man. “No, I bought it for myself. Get your own. Now, let me go, please.” The woman was taken aback. Her mouth made a slight ‘o’ and she lifted her hand from my arm. Without looking back, I drove away.
The evening was great. I arrived at my apartment and showed my roommate, Hannah, my new acquisition and broke the news to her about the cookies (she is a fan, too). She chastised me, telling me that I was squandering money that could be used for other, more important stuff, but she did it with a smile on her face. We tried the corkscrew with a dusty bottle of cheap sparkling cider from last year’s Holiday party and then took turns buttering up some toast and eating cheese with a fork like idiots. We had a laugh; it was a nice time. Hannah was also my best friend, and sometimes it felt like she was the only person I could count on, which made me lucky, really. Afterwards, we went to sleep.
I woke up with a jolt at 3a.m. Someone had awakened me. I hadn’t been dreaming, and I’d felt someone grabbing me by the arms before waking up. I looked around the room, but it looked empty, so I decided to check on Hannah and see if she was awake. She was not, and I was starting to feel drowsy again, so I just shrugged and started back toward my room. What I found there knocked the tiredness out of my system as if I’d been dipped into freezing water. The two trench coat people were sitting in my bed, hats and sunglasses still on. They beckoned.
“What the hell?” I asked when I was positive that they didn’t have any weapons in their hands.
“We only need your interesting gadget. Can you give it to us?” the woman put in.
“Wha—no! You think you can break into my home and convince me to give you something I bought for myself? Na-ah.”
“We offered currency in return.”
“Then buy one yourselves.”
“That was the last,” the man replied dryly.
“Please leave,” I put in. In my distress, I hadn’t even thought about how they had entered the apartment in the first place. Everything was closed.
The woman sighed. “No, we require the gadget. And if you are not going to hand it to us in a good manner, we will have to resort to aggressive methods.”
My heart jumped to my throat; I was prepared to run. But they didn’t make any sudden or threatening moves, they just removed their hats and sunglasses in unison, which rendered me immobile. Fear leaped inside me. They were both bald, with huge eyes bigger than their heads. Their pupils were rectangular slits, like a goat’s, and they swam in green whites. As I stared into them, they changed color. Purple, blue, yellow, black. I fell to the floor and knew no more.
I came back feeling groggy and disoriented. The back of my head throbbed slowly and I tried to reach and rub it, but my hand couldn’t move. I looked down and noticed that my hands were tied together behind my back. My midriff, in turn, was bound to a steel column by thick rope. It suddenly dawned on me that I had no idea where I was. I was in a small white room filled with buttons and lights and gadgets. A huge screen in front of me displayed an image of a starry sky. Then the word came back to me: gadgets. And I remembered everything. What I remembered the most were the eyes that made me faint. Had they been supposed to do that or was it just my natural reaction to seeing them? I didn’t know, but the former seemed plausible. I tried to struggle against my bonds, but it proved futile. Every move seemed to tighten the ropes against my stomach and cut off my breathing. After about thirty minutes of struggle and painful chafing in my wrists, I gave up.
That was when I heard something behind me, and realized I wasn’t alone.
“Hello?” I asked, my voice sounding raspy. “Who’s there?”
“Uhh…” the voice was disoriented, but all too familiar. It was Hannah.
“Hannah?” I almost screamed. I didn’t know if I was relieved or terrified. They’d gotten her too. “Hannah!”
“Where am I? Where are we?”
“I—I don’t know. It looks like a lab of sorts, but I’m not sure.” I tried to sound calm, but I knew my tone wasn’t deceiving her. “What happened to you?”
“Well, I was asleep and somebody woke me up… I saw colors, and that’s all I remember.”
“Those trench coat people,” I muttered under my breath.
“Those what?”
“Trench coat people. You see…” I was a bit embarrassed by the story I had to tell her, but I plodded on anyway. By the time I was done, I could almost feel her scowling at me.
“What the hell? You got us into this mess because of a glorified corkscrew?”
“I paid for it! I said defensively. Plus, I didn’t know they were… whatever they are.”
“But they broke into our house. That alone should’ve made you reconsider.”
Right then, a door opened and closed. We heard two pairs of footsteps approach us. It was the two trench coat people. One—the one with the female voice stood in front of me and the other one stood opposite her, in front of Hannah. This was the first time I saw any of them under a clear light. Their skin was the color of a hard-boiled egg yolk, as if they were mildly sick all the time. I noticed that what I’d confused for lip gloss in the parking basement was actually the actual color of their lips, a full purple tone that seemed to sparkle. The one in front of me cleared her throat and spoke.
“I was not prepared to take such drastic actions, but you left me no choice, alien—”
“Alien?” I blurted. “What do you mean, alien?”
“That is your word for a species from another planet, accurate?”
I hesitated. Another planet? Accurate? “Sure, accurate,” I replied.
“Exactly. You are an alien to me. I am an alien to you. To more critical matters, now. We offered you a generous amount of currency in exchange for your thingamabob—that is an amusing word I learned today—but you refused to hand the thingamabob to us. I do not understand the reason, but know you will hand us currency in another sense of this word.”
The image on the big screen in front of me changed, and I witnessed a full army of gigantic spaceships, their weapons out and ready, approaching. I could count at least twenty.
“These are fighter crafts from our galaxy, and they are prepared to make your planet explode when I desire it. This is because of your lack of generosity.”
It would have been smart to stay quiet, but I just had to open my mouth. “Who are you?” I asked.
The alien looked at me. Her goat eyes seemed to ponder the question. “We are from the planet N’wandur, in galaxy number 10973. We came in peace. We had discovered this new galaxy when our spaceship malfunctioned and we lost our most essential part. We required a replacement for it, and we found it. But you purchased it. We looked in all places for another thingamabob, but this is the only one that fits.” Then she said something I didn’t understand, and her partner appeared beside her. He held up a device that looked exactly like my corkscrew, except it was rusty and old.
I remembered something from the corkscrew infomercial: Now with a longer and more refined screw than ever. Now I understood. They would destroy Earth because of a petty fight.
“I’m sorry,” I told them. “I didn’t know. Of course, you can have it. It’s just a corkscrew, I don’t need it.”
“Not anymore. We are not prepared to pay a significant amount of currency for it.”
“No significant amount of currency necessary. I’ll give it to you if you remove your attack ships.”
They considered, but I knew they would agree.
Half an hour later, the four of us stood outside the apartment building, the female-voice alien holding the corkscrew. “Thank you, alien,” she said. “Your generosity saved your planet.” She hesitated. “We tricked you before. Our names are not Jane and John. We used them to blend in. Like the Does.”
I smiled remembering their hats and sunglasses.
“Our names are Haragum and Glum@. The last letter does not have a translation to your standard alphabet, so we improvised. Good faring to you, aliens.” They bowed and left. Hannah and I stood there for a while, looking at the horizon, thinking how no one would believe us when we told them how we saved the world with a corkscrew.
