Sinful Desires

For a second, I thought I could actually see me...

To often have I seen the reflection of this girl who looks just like me. Same heart shaped face, caramel colored skin, dark brown hair, but her eyes...Those weren’t my eyes. My eyes used to sparkle, these hazel orbs used to shine with happiness, excitement and wonder. What happened to that girl? What happened to me?

At what point in my 32 years of life did I let my life completely slip away?

As I continued to gaze at my reflection in the middle of Home Depot’s bathroom vanity isle, my husband stood 5 feet away grumbling about god only knew. This was our Sunday outing. Romantic right? I rolled my eyes tearing them away from my refection, allowing them to land on the man who I’ve been married to for the past ten years.

I walked closer listening to his little rant and figured out what he was losing his mind over. He was throwing a fit about tools that he needed but could afford, it gave me the urge to rip my fucking hair out. He always had to have the best of everything, and because of that we were always broke! It took so long for us to get ahead, and if I was being honest, we were barely at that point. Luckily, over the past tens years we’d managed to save enough to purchase a home in beautiful St. Augustine, FL. I absolutely loved St. Augustine, the people, the scenery, the history, everything! When Shawn told me that he wanted to move out of Miami, I was all for it! It took me months, but after a few arguments and some serious begging, he finally agreed to move here.

For ten years I’d always put his wants and needs before my own and hell, I still did at times, but this was the one thing I truly wanted. We’d moved to three different states because of him. Moving to St. Augustine was the least he could do for me.

“I’m so fucking over this!” He whispered angrily as he threw a pack of nails back onto the shelf. My chest tightened at the sight. I hated when he was like this. It was moments like these that made me dread the rest of the day.

“Whats wrong Shawn?” I asked in a calm tone slowly reaching to touch his arm. He instantly pulled away avoiding eye contact.

“Don’t! Just give me a fucking second Alethia. I don’t need you coddling me 24/7!” Coddling...Maybe if he acted like an adult and not like a four year old, I wouldn’t have to. God! I just...I needed, no craved for a less complicated life.

Sighing, I took a few steps away leaving him to fume by himself. Over the years I’ve learned that pushing him to talk to me when he was frustrated only made it worse for the both of us. I wished things between us were better, like they used to be, unfortunately as time passed us by, so did our relationship.

About five years ago Shawn was diagnosed with Bi-Polar Disorder and he’s been struggling ever since. It truly broke my heart. I had to watch him battle with his own mind daily. Can you imagine having a bully who always put you down and made you feel like scum constantly poking and prodding at all hours of the day and night. He had no escape from his own mind, from the very thing that made his life a living hell. He struggled daily with his emotions, always trying to keep the monster in him at bay. In the beginning it was horrible. Horrible for him and horrible for me. He started verbally lashing out and constantly cutting me down with hurtful words. I knew he didn’t mean it...Or hell maybe he did, but there was definitely some good in him. I knew this disorder didn’t define him. So, over the years we both battled his hardships and slowly we were beginning to win. He’s been able to control his outbursts, and was learning to calm himself down faster. He obviously still had to battle his mind daily, but he’s learned how to kind of cope with it.

Unfortunately our relationship, at least on my side had taken a huge hit. After everything...All the fights, the talking down to, the anger and thousands of sorry’s... Things just weren’t the same, and I honestly didn’t know if they’d ever be. Don’t get me wrong. I loved Shawn, I truly did. I didn’t blame him for his actions. I know he is struggling and I’ve given EVERYTHING I possibly could to help him, to be there for him, but as a result I’ve lost...Me.

He tells me daily how much he loves me, how he can’t lose me, that I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to him and that made me so happy...But once our heads hit our pillow and he finally found peace in his dreamless state, I lay there eyes wide open, mind racing a mile a minute with so many thoughts and feelings. I’m was so confused. When he tells me I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to him, I can’t help but think good, I’m glad...But is he the best thing that’s ever happened to me? Lately I’ve been thinking...No.

A warm arm snaked it’s way around my stomach, it took everything in not to tense or push him away. Those actions would do nothing but hurt us both. It’d been a long time since I’d happily welcomed his touch. I missed it, but somehow the feeling just wasn’t there anymore.

“I’m sorry babe.” He spoke softly into my hair as his arm caged me against his body. “I’m just so fucking frustrated. There’s so much I need to do for our new home and I have no idea where to start. It’s driving me mad!” He sighed before pulling away.

I turned to look at the man who held my heart hostage and took a moment to examine him. He was a good looking guy. Tall, around 6′2, stocky with a nice balance of muscles and chunk. He wasn’t fat, but he did have a little extra meat on him. That didn’t bother me at all though. He had green eyes, dark short hair and a thick beard to match. He was overall handsome.

“Shawn it’s fine. I know there’s a lot we have to do, but we have all the time in the world! Lets just pick one project and start with that.” I smiled warmly trying to coax the nicer side of him to appear.

“I am thinking of one project! I’m just not sure which type of nails to use.” He complained completely exasperated. I internally rolled my eyes and took a few deep breaths. What the hell did it matter which freaking type he used! Oh my god I was going to lose my God damn mind one of these days.

" Shawn...Just choose the ones you think will be the best.” If only it was that simple.

“Obviously Alethia! But I’m just not sure if I should go with the cheaper ones or the mac daddies.”

“Why not the cheaper ones?” I’m all for saving money.

“Sure we’ll save money now, but in the long run it’ll probably end up costing us more due to the repairs I’ll most definitely have to make. So in reality it’s not cheaper!” Again I wanted to roll my eyes so freaking hard!

“Then get the expensive ones and lets go. We’re wasting so much time!” He narrowed his eyes.

“Sorry if i’m taking forever trying to find the right tools for the repairs for your home.” I swear I’d never win. This was my life...Every. Fucking. Day.

“Shawn...I’m sorry. Look your right. We might as well spend the money now to avoid having to make repairs later. Grab those nails and lets go try to enjoy the rest of this beautiful day.” I forced a smile. He sighed and nodded before grabbing a few bags of the nails he wanted, and just like that his mood shifted once again. He was happy, or at least as happy as he was going to get. It didn’t really matter, I’d take any form of happiness at the moment.

“Come on babe. The lines are getting long.” He smiled lightly as he made his way for the check out aisle. I followed closely behind taking in all the different faces around me. For the most part everyone seemed to be enjoying their day shopping. A few couples talked happily about renovations and remolding, a few men walked up a down the grill aisle and a bunch a random kids were running around cackling loudly. All in all everyone seemed to be having a pleasant time.

“I can help the next customer.” A young blond behind a register called out. Shawn and I were next in line so we made our way over exchanging pleasantries, purchasing all the items in our cart. Shawn and the girl were having a conversation about something, but I really didn’t care to listen. Instead I pulled out my phone and started searching for job postings in the area.

Unfortunately there weren’t many restaurants looking for a chef. I was just about to give up and put my phone away when a listing caught my eye.

Personal Chef Wanted.

Great Pay. Excellent Benefits. Creative Freedom.

For more information please submit your resume or contact Kelly Frost @ 657-980-8832

Hmm. The listing didn’t provide much information, but in all honesty I was desperate. We needed the money, but truthfully, I needed the time away. Time to breath. Work gave me the opportunity to recharge my mind and cooking was my absolute favorite thing to do. So without further hesitation I clicked the submit button and sent my resume. It was probably a bogus ad but what the hell, you never know!

“Alethia. You coming? You’re holding up the line.” The sound of his voice startled me back to reality. Jogging away in embarrassment I finally caught up with him. It took him no time to load our truck and within seconds we were on our way home.

Florida was hot as hell, but with the cool breeze flowing through our open windows, the heat became somewhat tolerable, that and the A/C blasting on high. I closed my eyes, allowing my body to relax, soaking in the sun and warm as the hum of St Augustine drone out my thoughts. It was peaceful. I needed the silence, even if only for the 10 minute ride home.

“Babe we’re here. Can you please help me unload everything?” Shawn asked politely. I really didn’t feel like doing anything but he asked nicely so I decided to help without bitching. I smirked at the thought.

“Sure. After I’m gonna go take a bath and jump in bed. You okay with that? I’m pretty beat today.” He looked a little annoyed that I didn’t want to help with the project, but I really didn’t care. My emotional state couldn’t handle much more of his ups and downs, not to mention his fucking attitude! I needed a fucking break.

“It’s only 5pm! We haven’t even had dinner yet.” I knew what time it was but I honestly didn’t care. As for dinner he could have leftovers. God sometimes I felt like I was his fucking mother. He had hands, he knew how to cook! Why did I ALWAYS have to do everything!? Inhaling deeply I silently reminded myself to calm down before I started something I wasn’t ready to deal with.

“I know, I’m just really tired and not feeling to well. I just want to relax. I’ll be of more help tomorrow I promise. As far as dinner goes, there’s plenty of leftovers.” I forced a smile as I grabbed the last of the bags and followed him into the house setting everything down by the door. He narrowed his eyes but didn’t to argue.

“Fine. Thanks for going to the Depot with me.” He placed a stiff kiss on my forehead and walked away before I had the chance to say anything. Something told me to follow him, but I ignored the thought and made my way towards the bathroom. I knew I was pushing him away, hell I’d been doing it for years, I just didn’t feel it anymore. My love for him wasn’t as strong as it used to be, and I wasn’t sure if we could fix it. How could we though? It’s not like I expressed how I felt. What chance did we have when I bottled up every ill emotion I had, tossing the contents into the deep dark depths of my shatter mind?

I paused in front of the tub rolling my eyes at my dramatic thoughts, before finding the perfect temp for my personal spa. I didn’t want to think about all this shit anymore! I wanted to relax and forget about everything. Within minutes the tub was filled and I was naked and ready to soak. Before submerging into the lavender scented water, I locked the door to give myself some privacy. No interruptions! I smiled to myself as I allowed the water to consume my body, and it felt beyond felt amazing. This was definitely what I needed. Setting my phone on the edge, I allowed my entire to sink under water and held my breath for as long as I could. I could hear faint banging coming from downstairs but I tried my best to ignore it.

As the seconds passed by my lungs began to burn. I needed to come up for air soon, but I wanted to push myself to break my last record. I was 10 seconds away from beating it when I heard a muffled vibration noise followed by a splash. I shot out of the water to find my phone floating next to me and freaked!

“Ah! Fuck!” I grabbed the phone and tore the case off drying it as best as I could with the towel I placed next to the tub. Water was splashing everywhere making a huge mess which irritated me even more and to make matters worse I was having a hard time answering the call. Finally I was able to get the screen to react to my touch and practically yelled into the phone.

“Hello...Hello can you hear me?!” I question loudly incase the water had messed with the hardware.

“Uh...Hi is this Alethia?” It was a woman. That much I could tell but It was very hard to hear her. I silently cursed, banging my phone against the towel before bringing back to me ear.

“Hi yes this is Alethia. May I ask who is calling?” There was a pause before the woman spoke again. She probably thought I was crazy.

“Hi Alethia this is Kelly. I’m calling in reference to your resume you submitted for the private chef position.” Wow that was fast, I wasn’t expecting a call back so soon...Not that I was complaining.

“Oh yes! I’m sorry I wasn’t expecting a call so soon! Is the position still available?” Why else would she be call you dumbass? God I hated myself sometimes.

“Yes...that’s why I’m calling. I looked over your resume and I have to admit it’s quite impressive. I was wondering if you’d be available to come in for an interview tomorrow morning?” Eek!! I wanted to scream I was so happy!

“That would be amazing! What time works best for you?” She hummed on the other end, probably going through her schedule. I waited patiently until she spoke almost a minute later.

“How about 10am? The house you’d be working in is pretty far from the location you have on your resume. It would be about an hour drive more or less. Is that okay with you?” Honestly I didn’t really care. If anything it would give me time to decompress and listen to music. The drive didn’t bother me at all!

“Thats perfectly fine. I don’t mind a commute, and 10am is great! Would you mind emailing me the address? I don’t have a pen and paper in front of me at the moment.” I hoped she wouldn’t mind the inconvenience and thankfully she didn’t. She agreed without a fuss.

“Perfect! I’ll see you tomorrow at 10am. I’ll send you an email with the address and driving directions. The house is in the middle of the woods so I’ll have someone meet you at a gas station to show you the way. I hope you have a great evening.” A little odd.

“Sounds good. Thank you Kelly. I’ll see you tomorrow.” I hung up and tossed my phone on the floor squealing like a child who just received the most amazing gift. I was so fucking happy! I sunk back under the water and screamed as loud as I could, hoping to relieve some of the built up emotions that threatened to explode.

“Okay...Okay I got it all out.” I grinned as I popped back out of the water. I thought about laying back and soaking for a few but I was way to excited to just sit there. Getting up I drained the water and turned the shower on quickly bathing, washing my face and hair. Once done I practically flew out of the bathroom and grabbed the first comfy outfit I could find, towel dried my hair then threw the wet material in the laundry basket before walking out of our room and heading downstairs. I was super excited to tell Shawn.

“Shawn!!” I yelled as my foot met the last step. I waited a moment for for his response but I never came. Rolling my eyes I made my way throughout the house but I couldn’t find him anywhere. “God this place is a mess. What the hell is he doing down here?!” I could feel my irritation starting to rise and that was the last thing I wanted. I was in such a good mood and this mans mess wasn’t going to change that. I averted my eyes from the kitchen and caught a glimpse of movement out back. “Finally!” I smiled brightly as pulled the sliding glass door open and walked out. I went to open my mouth but the sound of his voice stopped me.

“I thought I told you that I don’t want to talk about this! It’s done and over with, so lets move on! I can’t do this anymore.” He sounded mad. I wondered who he was talking to. By the sound of the conversation, If I had to guess I’d say it was our friend and ex-business partner Ralph. I stayed quite, continuing to listen, but he sensed my presence, halting the conversation. “I have to go.” Was all he said to the person on the other end and hung up.

“Who was that?” I shouldn’t have asked, I really didn’t want to open this can of worms. It was sore subject for everyone involved.

“Ralph. He’s trying to say sorry for what he did.” Ralph had nothing to apologize about. It was Shawn who was in the wrong, but god forbid he ever admit it.

“Don’t you think it’s time for you to apologize too?” He narrowed his eyes at me. A warm breeze caressed my skin, pulling my attention away from the death glare I was receiving.

“I’m not playing this fucking game with you Alethia! Why do you always choose his side? What kind of marriage do we have if we can’t support each other. Weren’t you going to bed?” I wanted to laugh but I knew he’d blow up. Support...This guy didn’t know the definition on the word SUPPORT.

“Uh huh...I was just coming down to tell you that I have an interview tomorrow morning at ten. A person chef position.” His mood shifted as eyes lit up at the chance of changing the subject.

“That’s great babe!” He smiled as he walked over and hugged me tightly. I stood stiff as a board waiting for him to release me, and after a few seconds he did so, backing way looking to the ground rubbing the back of his neck.

“Yea it’s great. Whelp that’s all I had to say. Have fun doing whatever it is your doing.” I spoke in a flat tone.

“Awesome! Well you should go get a good nights rest for your interview.” He beamed. He wanted me to leave before I brought up the phone call again. It’s okay, I wanted to leave too.

I gave a fake smile before heading back into the house and upstairs into our room. Once the door was shut I plopped down on the bed and starred at the ceiling. So many thoughts ran through my mind but one in particular stuck out. Shawn and the phone call. It brought back some bad memories. Memories we were all trying to forget. Who knew owning a business could end so badly. Shawn royal fucked everything up, and it really took a toll on our relationship. Don’t get me wrong. I had love for Shawn, but too much had happened between us for me to feel the way I once did. Part of me wanted out of this marriage so bad, but I just couldn’t bring myself to leave him. To leave him alone with his demons. He talked about suicide quite often, maybe not as much as he used to but he still, on his bad days; which happened almost weekly the thoughts seem to resurface. I was afraid of what he’d do if I ever left. Plus, did I really want to give up on all that we had built? Give up, when we’d been through so much together. He and his family were my only family. They were all I had. Was I really ready to give that all up? Too live a life of loneliness. No, I couldn’t do that, I wouldn’t do that.

10 years ago, Shawn had found me on the street dirty and scared. I’d lost everything...Every. Fucking. Thing. I had no memory of who I was, where I came from, who my family was...Nothing. The only reason I knew my name was because of a tattoo of a heart I had on my inner thigh with two names in the middle...Rylan & Alethia. I couldn’t for the life of me tell you who Rylan was. In ten years since I was rescued, this man Rylan and I had never crossed paths. I had no idea if he was looking for me or if he was dead, or maybe...maybe he didn’t want me, so I moved on, which wasn’t that hard when I had no memories to hold me back. It used to bother me so much in the beginning, but now I barely ever thought about it. Shawn had become had become a distraction, a welcoming one, but now that so much time had come and gone, the thoughts of my past didn’t plague me, I didn’t need a distraction anymore. The rose color glasses I once wore were broken, shattered, never to be repaired again. I saw Shawn for who he was, I could no longer ignore it, but I would have to suffer through it. I owed him for everything he’d done for me. Maybe that was why I really couldn’t bring myself to leave. Fuck! Who the hell knows, I sure as shit didn’t.

“Ugh!!! Why can’t I just grow some balls and pull the fucking cord!” I whisper yelled as I punched the mattress.

I sighed as I rubbed my temples. My head was starting to hurt. I just wanted to sleep, and that’s what I was going to do. Turning on my side I fluffed my pillow, got under the covers and closed my eyes. I thought about happy things and soon enough I drifted into a dreamless slumber.