What is your opinion?
Excellent Debut
"Science fiction stories have always been able to abstract the present through a possible future, one that has all the same problem though ever so slightly intensified. Such is the case with "What They Do To Reds," where a racially stratified world of Reds, Grays, etc, maintain an uneasy existence, particularly as our protagonist is near the bottom of the heap. While this story bears a strong resemblance to Divergent and other works of YA dystopian fiction, the sheer earnestness of this story rescues it from being too derivative. The author has a sharp ear for dialogue, and the pace of this work is relentless; even the relatively quieter scenes move quickly, and character is sketched briefly but tellingly throughout. This story reminds me, too, a little of the Star Trek episode (from the Original Series) "Let That Be Your Last Battlefield," which is also about beings of different colors--a clever way to talk about racial inequalities. Works like this are important for young reader to read and open up their minds to the differences in our society which, far from being a lofty abstraction, is disturbingly real. Whether or not the author has any experience with this, the story seems raw and personal: in many ways, I can see the main character's journey as a thinly autobiographical tale that is carefully presented in a dystopian frame. Even though I could tell where the story was headed, I was fascinated throughout, and honestly there was never a dull moment. If nothing else, this author understands pacing quite well, a sure sign of a true storyteller. My only critique would be a reliance on short sentences and quick bursts of information. This is how most YA are written, of course, but it can get a little monotonous and it leaves little room for development.. Everything moves quickly--which is great--but there's never a chance to slow down, either. A little more reflection would make a work like this sing, and help us understand the hidden depths of such a seemingly 'fantastic' world. There's so much thought and detail here, so make sure we can appreciate it. I look forward to seeing further works from you and possibly revisions of this work as well. Thanks for sharing it!"
Potential
"Hey, it's me! Just a couple (lot) of things I'm going to say about your story. Don't take this too much to heart since this is really just my opinion that I cultivated through logical analysis. Alright, I'll give you my constructive criticism now. Your writing style is alright. It's obvious you have some experience with writing and with the process of building a story. But if I were to be perfectly honest, it's very average. It felt like I was reading an essay, not a story. You had a great story line, filled with potential to expand into something greater but the execution was too average. I think the main problem was the lack of descriptions. It was all stated in a matter-of-fact kind of tone. This caused me to zone out a couple of times, forcing me to reread an entire paragraph. It didn't flow as well as I would have liked either. Not that I'm saying it didn't flow ALL the time, but there were moments where I felt like you were feeding me chunks of information. It didn't leave room for a lot of exploration and inferences for the reader to make. The beginning was very good in my opinion. It was a good chapter to start the story off and it started off with a bang. But then it slowly started to become a bit drained? A bit dull? It slowly started to lose its flare of thrill. And I think it's mostly because of the characters themselves. The characters played their role well. Although there were some characters who I think could have done more (like the nurse, the president, and Lucy), over all, the others had their foundation and their morals. The only problem I had with these characters was that they got boring too quickly. This connects with your lack of details that allows the readers to make inferences. Everything about these characters were handed to the reader block by block which made it very hard for them to find interest in Jamia and Livi. Jamia was very stubborn and a bit arrogant which kind of made me dislike her very quickly. There was a moment in the story when it was given to me that Jamia was mature for her age, however, I didn't feel any of that maturity. To me, she actually sounded and acted like a child rather than a mature teenager. Her stubbornness, arrogance, and quick demand that "she was in charge" made it very hard for me to feel any sense of sympathy or likability for her. And the relationship with her mother seemed rather awkward and not very child-mother like. To be more specific, I personally think her mother should have scolded her for punching those bullies instead of asking "And what did he do?" Her role as a mother seemed kind of off from there. Livi also didn't have that much of an impacting personality. It was stated a couple of times that she had a smug smile and a lazy kind of aura, but I personally didn't feel that. Again, this is mostly because of the lack details that allow the readers to imply something. I think she would have been a very fun character if you focused more on her character and her background. I think the only character I was sort of able to find some connection with was Julian. His bravery and determination to keep his sister safe was very noteworthy. So it was a pity that I wasn't able to see more of him outside of the prison cells in action. The president had a lot of potential to be the villain. But the great reveal of him being the president didn't excite me as much as I would have liked. He was a psychopath and an evil man but I think there should have been something more than just 'an evil man.' He felt flat and too typical. He was almost like the villain's henchman rather than the actual final boss. Relationships between characters was also kind of difficult to grasp. The romance between Jamia and Livi had a huge amount of potential. They were very cute, I admit. But there was not that many moments between them. Their relationship felt rushed and too straight to the point. When they kissed, I had to take a moment to comprehend what had just happened. There wasn't enough buildup. So when Livi gave Jamia the ring, I couldn't really feel happy for them. I was more indifferent towards it than anything else. This was also a problem when Julian died. He was a character who had the potential to be my favorite but there wasn't enough scenes or chapters that fully displayed his whole personality and relationship with his sister for me to care. When he died, I felt a bit upset for a good 7 seconds before moving on. I didn't sympathize or even pity Jamia when he died in her arms. It was very difficult for me to feel anything. The relationship that I think could've gone even further was Stephanie and Julian. I feel like they had a lot of potential. Your dialogue can get interesting at times, but most of the times, they seemed to drag on. Conversations between people, especially between Jamia and Livi, got boring too quickly. There were times when I started to skim rather than read their words just so I could quickly get back to the plot. Their dialogue felt forced and choppy - extremely average. There was no snarky comebacks or a good flow to the words that made me want to read more. I think there is a lot of potential in that area. I think when you write conversations, you should try to understand what the reader would want to hear. If you have something important to say then try to convey that information through interesting words and conversations. Try to morph the information into something more thrilling and fun. Your plot and conflict have the least amount of problems which is a good thing. There were some plot holes (like why couldn't they just dye their hair? Or get contacts to hide the color of their eyes?) but they were minor ones. I think the main problem regarding the plot itself would be the ending. The ending was filled with never ending conveniences for the heroes. The president gave up his power very easily instead of finding a way to strengthen security once Jamia spared him. For an evil man, I expected him to desperately cling onto his power for as long as he could. And also the system of government seemed a bit out of wack considering how a young girl was able to get the position of president so easily. There is a lack of details in the story's government system. Is it a democracy? If it is then wouldn't Jamia have to be voted in? Is it a dictatorship? Is that why the president can get away with so much corruption? But if its a dictatorship then why is he called president? Other than the government system and the ending, the general plot and conflict was very intriguing which sends a strong message to the readers. That aspect of the story is something I can admire. You're a writer and writing takes time and effort. Practice makes perfect. There is always room for improvement especially when it comes to writing. I'm a writer as well and I certainly don't see myself as the best one out there. I think, well I strongly believe that if you put in a lot more time and planning into this story, it would have been an amazing piece of work. You got the storyline down and you have a good idea of where it was going to go, but there were still some areas that were rough. But then again, you're not a professional where you write to make a living so that's understandable. Just add more descriptions, don't spoon-feed your audience information, and polish up on your flow of the story. If you do that, then I think you'll become even better. Good luck to you and to every writer out there."
Interesting
"Though the story seemed very Hunger Gameish, which is to be expected I did enjoy the idea of the plot; the ending was a little anti-climatic only because of my own bloodthirsty nature. I think the nurse Stephanie or whatever should have attempted to release Julian and help him escape, but then we would lose the catalyst for Jamia's decision in the end not to stoop to The Purge's level which I admire in the story. It was very well written and I wish you the best of luck in this novel contest :)"
