My Deepest Thoughts

"That's what a person do. Constant lying. Unbelievable lies... inside their eyes, inside their minds, inside their hearts . . . because it needs to be that way. What a twisted story."

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You see, I don't just write things without it crossing my mind. I don't write things just because, it was as if it was whispered to me from unknown source, surely it wasn't only from me. I don't own me, we don't own us actually.

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I was afraid to fail, I failed.

I was afraid of mistakes, filled with mistakes.

You see, how fate could play, along with the world, along with God. It's ironic and awful.

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as long as I can

I make my words warm.

because it's been dropping to zero degree celsius.

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I know someday my heart will stop beating.

I wished, for only good memories to stay close with the wind, just there. So that it can flow with it, wherever it might go, wherever I must go.

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"I don't believe that those who remain themselves in this world were only the strong ones. One thing's for sure, we don't know anyone's story, or what they are behind their own close doors. We don't know what a smile can hide. Everyone's brave in their own way. In silence, or in boldness."

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I do hate rain. But whenever I couldn't take the heat from the sun rays anymore and it definitely would hurt my eyes, I less hate the rain. I miss it.

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"Maybe you see them still staying because they still hope for something we call tomorrow."

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I could not fathom

how insane and doomed

right here, inside.

maybe silence was really my home.

It's where I could still comprehend how it's like to feel.

I just want to feel because if I don't

I just won't anymore.

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"I do not think it unfair that this life was meant to be short. When I met you and spent time with you, those memories are with me. I do not think it unfair. However... Regrets... Painful regrets I take with me. That I could not love you more...

That I could not rescue you from this cruel world...

These things I regret. I hope that... You won't shed too many tears for me. I do not wish for you to cry. Rather, let me cry over your loneliness. Since I am now going to a place where I can watch over you always, the tears that I shed will never be a burden to you. I hope... that the love that you have given me does not burden you too much. And pray that you will be happy... "

- Kim Eun-ho

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sometimes it would be hard to understand why we are destined to lose ourselves, lose our minds, our honor and dignity before we find our very own shadow, the real one. It sometimes doesn't make sense, it will ripped you apart entirely to the point of forgetting what and who you are. It's terrible. I would smile bitterly whenever I hear compliments from my mother that I'm such an honest, and also not a materialistic person.

Honesty? Before I had that, I've went through horror I wished I never encountered. But we are not God's ways and hands. We might question why me, why it should be me. I don't have anything left. I was such a tarnished piece of crap. A jigsaw puzzle for everyone. I may care about their perception, or I may not because I'm way too exhausted. I'll just find God and let Him find me too instead. Because if I rely on people who loves to swim to other's business, that's a total brutality.

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When there's no more life, find it the other way around. Grab some chips and see new episodes unfolds

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People were struggling everywhere.

This world has become emptier and emptier.

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Maybe repressed emotions are true.

Those moments when you can fully recall things, but not the emotion you had during that time.

You just can't, or was forgotten not in the mind, for the reason that it could break you into shreds, much worser than the evolution of before.

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suppressed emotions

will falsely remind you at some time that you're it's own debtor, just because you want to be numb and would

want your memories be categorized to word, repressed when it was not/couldn't.

Just like nightmares that lurks in your blank and eerie thoughts.

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I was afraid

of losing someone

before my eyes.

God, I'm so scared

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I genuinely give comfort and understanding to people. Does the heaven knows that I need some too? Is it bad to wish the same too? Just a little.

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"I'm so ill and broken. I dunno anymore... I was just pretending I am okay that I could be okay. That's what a person do... lying. "

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Maybe I'm always frustrated, even by staying

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sometimes they would point out that you are cold, when it's the other way around.

It's like they're holding their own inverted page.

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Why would you say I'm good for nothing, I ain't good, equals I am nothing. Really nothing.