The Monster within me

I know what they say behind my back, I know they don’t like me, because none can love someone as hideous as me. They feed me lies, they put on a charade to make me feel better, but in truth it just makes me worse, it makes me realise just how much of a freak I am, it makes me realise that I’ll never fit in, I’ll never find someone who will love and take care of me, I’ll never grow old with someone and have kids, because it’s simple none can love a monster like me, it’s impossible. Just tell me the truth, just tell me things I already know like,

You’re a failure to everyone.

Your mum and dad don’t love you.

Everyone hates you for who you really are.

We laugh and make fun of you because you deserve this pain.

I know I’m different, I know I’m messed up in the head and on the body, I have the scars to prove it, the pain and sorrow, the never ending nightmares, the never ending thoughts about suicide. I just wish it could end, I wish the pain would stop.

It feels as if I’m drowning, it feels as if none’s going to help me, but I know that’s true, none can help me because none can help a monster like me, it’s a simple statement. I know I’m the reason for my family’s misery, I know I fail everyone around me, I know I don’t live up to my parents expectations.

I hate feeling like this all the time, I hate putting on a mask and faking who I really am, because I know if I take off the mask they’ll scream, they’ll run, they’ll cry, because none can stand to be with a freak and a failure like me. They hate me.

I hate feeling like I’m drowning all the time, that’s why I hurt myself, it makes me feel better, it makes me feel accomplished, like I can finally let go of my worries and stress, like I can feel….safe. Like I can get away from it all. I know people that love me hate me hurting myself, but the physical pain it puts me through isn’t as bad as the emotional pain that I have.

Really the only thing that’s preventing me from killing myself is my Aunty Juneta. She’s my hero in every way. She makes me feel loved, cherished and that I can finally fit in this world. When I’m with her I can be myself without worry, or pain of being bullied, she makes me lift the mask I have over myself, she makes me feel good in every way shape and form, she makes me feel okay with myself, and for that I will forever love her and I will never stop loving her, like she will never stop loving me. I love you Juneta, forever and always.