I can’t breathe

I can’t breathe. My lungs are no longer filled with air, just your filthy words. I can’t see. My vision is blinded by self hate groomed to your satisfaction. I can’t think straight. My brain is no longer counting numbers but how many times you insulted me today. My body is not mine, but a slave to your intimidation. I can’t live like a normal person anymore. You broke me, and for what? Your entertainment? I pity those who face you every day, shaking in their skin, that you aim to remove with your fists. But your anger is no match for the strength of my hate of your despicable being.

Maybe I should have listened to my family. My mum knew something was wrong. A mother’s instinct is never wrong, right? There was so many red flags; the drinking, the drugs, and you know the big elephant in in the room, the first time he slammed my body into the wall. I knew they were there. I just refused to admit it. I loved him. Well I think I did, back then. Maybe I still do now?

Mum always said how happy I was as a child. Giggling and smiling every day, determined to find the best in people; the worst always falling to the triumph of my contagious virus of happiness. Exploring the big, bad world one step at a time. I guess the only thing I should have been scared it was you, but it’s too late now. I am a prisoner in my own home; an obedient servant in my marriage ; and a grain of dust to you, a person who should love and cherish me most in the world. This is probably what frightens me the most. You were that person you nurtured me, love to me, took care of me; until the day you didn’t. Yet, the more broken I become the larger my determination grows. As your anger grows, so does my grin. Like a Cheshire Cat, I smile because at this moment I know I will win. I will overcome you. One day, I will leave you for good.

And then I see your face when you walk through the door...

How can I be so delusional? Your actions, your words, your loving personality are heaven to my senses. I am so thankful you are the one who is here to care for me. I don’t know why I would ever want to leave your side. I deserve those bruises, the insults too. I was wrong and I’m so sorry my darling, I will try harder to fix my mistakes. I hope it will make you love me more. You make me a better person and I cherish you for it. Although I do the wrong thing and I hurt you, I will try my best to not mess up chances of having you by my side.

Without you, I

wouldn’t be able to live.

Without you, I can’t breathe

.