Selfish

“His mom died”. At that moment my heart dropped, my stomach turned. All at once, I felt the pain of a thousand deaths in my heart. I have never met his mom, nor have I ever spoken to her. My brain was traveling at a thousand thoughts per hour. How to tell him, what to say to him. I felt tears start to stream down from my eyes. His mom, the one that gave birth to him, the one that he has been with his who life. Gone. Taken from him. As I lay in my bed, I don’t know how to feel anymore, how I should feel. If I feel sad, is that selfish of me? My mother is still here and alive, but why do I feel guilty? Like there was something I could of don’t to save her. I keep imagining,

what if I was there? Could I, would I have saved her?

All hope of normalcy was gone, I knew he would never be the same. My heart ached for him. I knew he didn’t know yet. And when he did, I didn’t see his reaction. And yet I could still feel his pain, even though I have never experienced the death of a loved one.

Stop feeling this way, you are acting selfish

. The words my brain was spitting out into my thoughts only made things worse. I wanted to be there for him, but I didn’t know how. I wanted to call him, but he said that he couldn’t. Even if he were to call, what would I say? Would I ask how he was, risking the memories of his mother to come back? My head swirled with painfully pictures of how she passed. Thoughts that I would normally never think of kept creeping up inside me. Painful ones.