Surprise
The sky is the limit.
There was a limit. You put a limit on me.
The possibilities are endless.
Why did you find a way to end them?
Every phrase I repeat to myself seems duller and duller as they pass through my mind. Each phrase means nothing to me right now. I am too depressed for motivation at the moment and the harder I try to uplift myself, the more my heart aches. When I am at a broken part in my life, my mind takes anything motivational and reverses the meaning or I dissect it and wonder why it is not having any truth in my life. I often find myself asking: why me?
Why me? What's wrong with me?
Obviously there is something wrong with me.. or he would still be here for me.
Sassafras nickers and sways her head, the saddle shifted underneath me with her movements and had caught me off guard. To keep myself from sliding off, I grasped onto the reins and readjusted myself, the saddle seemed to be sliding too much. I must have tacked up wrong.
I need to get out of this grieving state I am in. That is why I chose to take a trail ride through the trails in our woods behind my house. I tugged on the reins and she halted obediently, her ears flickering behind her as she listened to me praising her and rambling to myself. I desperately needed to ride.
Riding a horse is like what cruising down a dirt road with the windows rolled down to some people feel. It is natural to me, and makes me forget everything and everyone. My only chance to unwind.
It's just me and Sassafras.
"Sass," I started, calling her by her nickname. "I don't understand how we could have spent five years together and now he is gone."
We were high school sweethearts, until graduation of this year.
We had a life planned together but her plans were better than mine.
Part of me didn't want to blame her. It wasn't Callie's fault that she got dragged in the middle of this. Callie was too sweet and innocent for his tricks, she didn't know.
What if she is lying to you?
She would never. I retorted to the voice that sneered inside my mind.
Pushing the thoughts that had dreaded my mind since graduation, I re-tack up Sassafras, this time correctly, and saddle up once more.
By the time we had made it out of the woods, I noticed the air was slightly warmer and that the sun was now shining brightly above my head.
"It must be around twelve," I say aloud, using my not-so-great sun dialing trick.
Sass pawed at the earth a little anxiously, and I understood what she was wanting. Sliding off, I quickly un-tacked her in the middle of the field and let her go. She pranced around for a little while, her salt and peppery coat gleamed in the sunshine. Then without warning she drops on her knees and begins to roll around in a pile of dirt, a smile forming on my face at her foal like antics. My body eases and I lean back on the white horse fence, watching her and forgetting about everything that has been suffocating my mind for the past few days.
But today, for the first time in a long time, I felt like me again. I felt free.
An engine humming and the sound of tires crackling gravel underneath them, disrupted me from my thoughts. Granny must be here. I left my horse to act like a fool to herself and felt like a child as I sprinted towards my house.
I knew Granny was coming sometime this week, she lives in California, and told us she would be making a trip down here as soon as she heard from my mom about my mental state.
I assured her I was fine, but nobody believed me. Granted, I had stayed locked away inside of my room for a week straight, my friends, all except for Callie, have not seen or heard from me since the summer pool party. (Where it all started.)
Anyways, Mom had called Granny over here knowing that if anyone were able to cheer me up it would be her. As much as I wanted to see Granny, I was not ready to be asked a thousand questions. Not yet at least. When I am down, all I want to do is keep to myself. I am not the type of person to confide in anyone, I just want space.
Why is that so hard for everybody to get?
I picked up my pace when I neared the large carport that was built beside the house.
My house is no mansion, but it is still pretty spacey. It has to be for six people. My two parents, two older twin brother, one younger sister and I. Plus our dog Bailey and our cat Ginger, if you count them.
I was surprised to see an old battered red truck parked in the port instead of the black SUV Granny drives. "Can I help you?" I asked even though I couldn't see or hear anyone. There was no answer so I stepped inside and let them alone.
I heard Mom talking animatedly about college and football. Which is weird she doesn't like football. Neither do I, after him. Brushing the painful thought away, I mosied into the kitchen not paying attention to the conversation in the living room, that is until I heard my name mentioned, but it wasn't by my mother. The voice was deeper. So familiar. I knew the voice. Oh God I never wanted to hear it again.
My heart jumped inside of my throat, the same feeling you get when the rollercoaster stops on a steep bend and it just drops down unexpectedly, even of at one point you were expecting it but it still takes you by surprise.
I was expecting him to show up, but not so soon.
I was acting like a broken teenager, which I still am a teenager, nineteen this August, but I am not the same high schooler I was this past May. I have changed for the better I feel.
I can't be dependent on anyone anymore. I can't hand over my heart to anyone.
The trusting side of me has been shattered.
It's about to be shattered again.
"Faith," Trevor said slowly, he approached me cautiously as if I would run away. He was still him. The same tall muscular six foot, blonde haired, blue eyed boy from high school. He looked the same, sounded the same and dressed the same, but it felt different.
He wasn't mine anymore.
"Please let me talk."
He was pleading for me to stay. My heart was pleading for me to go.
"Trevor, give her some space. She is hurt," my mom said quietly, trying to coax him away.
Hurt? Your damn right I am hurt. He destroyed me, for three months he left me alone to mourn and he did not at all try to comfort me then he dragged my best friend in the middle of all of this.
My face was red, not from embarrassment but from anger. I was funing and literally felt my blood boiling. I wanted to punch him right now but my mom is againsy violence.
I would have to save the fist for later.
Without uttering a word, I took off towards my room, not giving him a chance to talk.
He doesn't need a chance to talk, he needs to be left alone and hurt.
The same state he left me in..
