Life and the moments in-between

-The universe... It’s so vast... and big... not to mention sparkly! We are just specks of dust! Hurling aimlessly through the void! Getting lost in the darkness of it! We humans wander aimlessly, so lost on this tiny irrelevant bit of space dust. -She laughed, proud of herself; probably thinking she’s clever, like this was the most original and quirky thing that she has ever said.

-What are you talking about? -I lightly tapped my foot, I wasn’t really nervous or anything, but there was restlessness in my bones and muscles. I was aching for a walk or something to shake off this energy and caffeine.

-I’m talking about space, silly! The stars, planets, solar systems, galaxies,the whole universe, really. Just think about how much is out there and we are all just stuck here! On this floating island in space...

-There’s a lot to be found on the floating island itself, you don’t need to explore space.

-You don’t get it -she let out a big exasperated sigh. -I thought you would be at least a bit interested in something other than... earthly problems. These problems you always bring up aren’t what’s important, they’re material and vain...

-Of course they’re important, babe - I raised my voice, but deep down I felt a twinge of shame. I knew I sounded lame at the moment and I wanted to be interesting for her, I really did, but she was daydreaming completely absorbed in her fantasies and I was left to deal with the convoluted messes of the mundane. It was starting to weigh on me, I couldn’t last any longer.

She looked at me with her doe eyes, full of hope and optimism. It made me feel even more sad, to see her commitment and resolve.

-Things around us... they’re stagnant. Same old people with the same old complaints and problems. There’s nothing here, no adventure, no nuance, no romanticism. In space it’ll be different...

-How do you know that?- I cut her off, I was so worried for her. It wasn’t my intention to enable her obsession. -There might be indeed nothing out there. Just cold dead planets, barely shined on by cold dying stars.

-Isn’t that part of the allure? Not knowing? -she squealed with excitement, getting fired up by the topic. - Here you know exactly what tomorrow brings, there you can’t be sure! Will it be a new life? Your demise? A new adventure perhaps? Misery, glory or abyss?

-Oh when you put it like that. -I rolled my eyes. -You think that I don’t want to be off gallivanting through space, going god knows where, doing god knows what? You think I want to constantly be stressed? Worrying about *our* future! We can’t just uproot and leave this place. Even if we could, we don’t have the means, we don’t stand a chance. The coldness and the rough climate of the quiet space waters... It already sends chills down my spine to just think about it.

-I’m telling you, I know you’re scared, but just give it a chance...

-No, you’re not listening! -I got way too angry and I knew it, but it was way too late to stop now. -You’re dreaming about a distant future, instead of planning for what’s in front of you.

-You’re the one in the wrong! Thinking too small, if you only could see the bigger picture! -she looked at me and I could see the annoyance in her look. The impending crash was now inevitable.

I hesitated for a moment, questioning whether to say something or not. If I didn’t tell her the truth the world would. Leave it to the cold universe to break her heart into pieces. I couldn’t let that happen, it didn’t feel right. Something had to be done and it had fallen upon me to break the news. It would have been too cruel not to.

-There is no bigger picture, darling... There is no space or starts, not for us... There’s an atmosphere around this planet for a reason: to keep our lungs full and to keep us safe from drowning in the infinite cosmos. It’s too large of a place, if we were to spread our wings into the infinity we would spread them too far and too thin. Here we are safe and sound. Grounded in reality. -I heard myself say those words, I felt myself conjure up what felt like the right words at the time. All the while I told myself I was doing her a favor, I was doing the best I could, although it sounded horrible. The most despicable thing was that I didn’t feel any guilt while saying it, I really did feel like I was doing the right thing.

-So we should let them clip our wings? Is that really the answer? Stay in this golden cage?! -She sounded angry, but her eyes were wet and her make up started to smear. -I know that I wasn’t meant to be in these chains and enslaved here! I hear the calls to adventure! The opportunity for something more!

-And I’m to be here and left to worry for the both of us? Is that fair to me?! To worry what will become of a space cadet and her naive fiance? For months! Months I have slaved away, trying to make this relationship work! How about you? Will you stop this selfish behavior?

-This is important to me, this is my dream. -she pleaded.

-You’re important to me! More than either mine or your dreams! -I said stoically.

I averted my gaze to look at the distant dead stars. We said all we wanted to say, all that there was to say. We just sat there, somewhat awkwardly, trying to figure out what to do next. We quietly decided to continue waiting, me looking at her with a worried look and her avoiding my eyes. I contemplated on whether I was too harsh with her. I kept coming to the same conclusion - I did what I thought was right and I did it the best way I knew how.

We continued not talking for what felt like hours, even the sky grew less dark. At some point or another, she leaned over and rested her head on my shoulder, but as she grew more comfortable, she rested on my chest. I embraced her, thinking how sweet she can be at times like these. If I could hold her like this forever, would she be content? Would she be happy enough to stay with me? Will I ever be enough?

The eerie quietness set, even the night critters had long passed out. I could feel her head start to fall limp and heavy and her breathing start to deepen. It felt lonely there, I couldn’t fall asleep no matter how much I tried. It drove me nuts, feeling so alone with my insomniac thoughts, when I could be sleeping the problems away. As if the problems would solve themselves, if I could only find my way to dreamland. When I closed my eyes I hardly felt tired, so I tortured myself and agonized over what would sooner or later come to pass, things I didn’t have control over.

***

-Hey, Mr Grumpy-pants! -I heard her voice beckon.

I immediately sprang to life, all excited to just see her face. I was left disappointed to find myself all alone on the very same bench. ‘I can’t believe I’m still dreaming about her after all this time.’

The sun was blinding and I could feel my joints stiffen and refuse to move. Like they were rusted shut, refusing to yield. It was my own fault for letting myself fall asleep on a bench. That kind of shaggy lifestyle was long past for me and I damn well knew it. All of my bad habits from the past were catching up with me. I can’t run, or drink, stay up late or quickly get up for that matter without suffering the consequences. And yet despite my better judgment I reached for a flask from my pocket. ‘This is a thing I do now’ I smirked at my own pathetic action. ‘You did this for a week straight now. If you do it today too, it’s official, it becomes a habit.’ I felt the alcohol slide down my throat and with it a bitter-sweet mixture of relief and guilt. ‘Am I now an alcoholic? Is that what I’m reduced to, now that she’s not here?’

As I stared down at the canyon beneath me, I could have sworn I felt myself getting pulled downwards. I felt my body fall, roll down the jagged cliff, but somehow I couldn’t reach the bottom, no matter how much time had passed. It felt like I spent an eternity in that trance-like state.

-Why are you torturing yourself? - I heard a man’s voice call out.

-How did you find me? -I asked, eyeing my friend suspiciously. He couldn’t have chosen a worse time to bug me.

-You’re too predictable. -He just shrugged and scratched his chin. He waited there, just standing, maybe waiting for me to get up and follow him back to town or at the very least he wanted me to say something. All I could do is ignore him and hope he just goes away, I didn’t have the energy to deal with him. Instead he sat beside me, just enjoying the view, looking roughly in the same direction as me.

-A word of advice, you should really pick more romantic sights for your dates. Look at this! You have a great view of the town’s garbage dump!

-I only ever brought Marie here and she didn’t care about the sightseeing and the views... She cared about what’s above.

-Bah, I’m telling you, that’s what you think. But women, they just think differently, you know’ Even if they tell you they don’t care, they do. They make mental notes of what you did or didn’t do, where you brought them to, what you said or didn’t say and how many times you said it. Then they use it all as ammunition later on in arguments.

He waited for my reaction, but I just nodded lethargically in hopes that that would shut him up. Unfortunately, he took it as a sign of encouragement and continued cheerfully on.

-But enough about politics, what about you? Are you seeing somebody, or at least trying to get your ass out there?

-No and I don’t plan to. -I sighed preemptively. I had a feeling that I knew where this line of questioning would lead us to.

-You have to get back on the dating scene, man. I know you loved her, but it’s been... what, three years?

-Two. -I tried to calm myself, but I couldn’t help but wish I could one punch K.O. the guy then and there. He always did think he had me all figured out and it drives me crazy.

-Still too long. Look at yourself, you’re torturing yourself. It’s time you forgive yourself and let yourself enjoy life. You’re a smart, cool dude and you deserve to be happy with somebody.

-I *was* happy... -I knew I shouldn’t have said that, I didn’t really want to play the asshole, it somehow just turned out that way.

-Whatever, man. Follow my advice or don’t, it’s your call. If you ever need to talk or whatever, you know where to find me.

Deep down I did know that I probably should already be moving on by now, but that didn’t change the fact that I still felt bad. At this point I was starting to worry that there was either something wrong with me or that I might be getting addicted to being sad. There was just something comforting in knowing that everything has gone to shit and it can’t get any worse than this. To top it off, everybody feels sympathy for you and it feels nice to relate to people who’re struggling with similar feelings or gone through similar things. It makes me feel like I’m part of some fucked up community. Which I guess is better than joining some wacko cult or being a part of an improv group.

I nervously tapped my foot and finally mustered up the strength to sound somewhat reassuring -I’m doing fine, I just don’t think I’ll ever love somebody the way I loved ... her. -I didn’t realize how much willpower it took me to squeeze the words out of me.

-You’re romanticizing her again...

-It’s the truth! My truth! My reality, how I saw her, how I saw the situation. You can think what you want, assess the situation in your “objective” way...

-You said once that she was making your life a living hell!

-I said nothing of the sort!

-Yes, you did. You would swing by the bar and come in for a drink and just bitch about how you’re gonna break up with her. You just forgot about it.

I racked my brain, but I really couldn’t remember, all I could remember was all the lovely evenings and beautiful sunsets we shared. The long talks and tender touches.

-Look what happened was a tragedy, but your relationship wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows like you remember.

-If you think this is helping me move on, it isn’t... -I imagined myself just kicking his teeth in. ‘Since when did I start imagining such gruesome scenes. Do I really have to worry about not becoming a violent psychopath now?’

-I’m just trying to say that you shouldn’t wallow in self pity. Don’t be too hard on yourself. There really wasn’t anything you could do.

The sun was already past zenith and was cheerfully making sure everybody was warm. There were so many little sheep up in the sky, the perfect day for cloud gazing. In front of me was a lamb and a fluffy sheep getting swallowed by a huge dragon. The wind obscured the pictures into a shape of a guitar. ‘Damn, I haven’t picked up the guitar since college. I wasn’t half bad at it either, but I guess life happens and you don’t have time for your hobbies.’ The loneliness and ineptitude I felt at that moment inspired me to go back home and pluck a few tunes. Soon I was practicing songs I thought I’d forgotten completely. After that I hardly put the guitar down.

-And now, well now Marie, I play it all the time. At least twice a week and more if I’m on tour. I made so many songs, most of them bad... Like I wouldn’t subject even my worst enemies to that shit, kind of bad... A lot of them were about you, you know? Especially at first. I’m sorry about it, most of the ones about you are god awful, but it helped me... It helped me get over you. I still do love you, but kind of differently, I guess. -I scratched my forehead. I felt weird sitting there on that bench, freezing my ass off. I wanted to come back and talk to her one last time, but now I just feel dumb talking to an apparition. I imagined her sitting on the bench, but it wasn’t really her, her face was different, it was all somewhat out of focus and blurred. No matter how much I tried to concentrate and bring her likeness to life, the features weren’t coming back to me. It made me feel more bummed out than before, it shouldn’t be happening to me, it made me feel like I wasn’t a good enough partner... Like I didn’t care... I felt like I erased her from this world even more.

I took out my wallet and shuffled a few small photos I carried with me, before I found hers. It all came back to me, immediately as I saw her I could picture her so vividly that it felt like I could almost sense her scent. The familiarity and warmth gashed into my heart.

-I don’t think I’ll ever be able to thank you properly. -I turned to her. She was somewhat clearer and more life-like, still it was hard for me to monologue. The second thoughts started to rush in and I wasn’t sure anymore that this whole ordeal would give me the closure that I wanted. -I just wish you were still here. Sometimes I wonder if you somehow still exist in some way, but the truth is I never did believe in life after death. We have this one life and it’s so precious because of that; now I know that that’s what you were trying to convey in your own way. I just wish you had told me, I’d never have stopped you or said the things I said, nor would I have done the things I did. If you were still here, you’d probably say something like: “that’s exactly why I didn’t want to tell you. If I told you, you would have made it all weird and all about me. I just didn’t want you to change your plans, because of me. I didn’t want you to be worried and scared.“. Well I’m still worried and scared and on top of that I’m hurt. I was supposed to be there for you! You were there for me and when it came down to it you refused to let me into your heart. You know how that makes me feel?! I know you never needed me, but sometimes I just wish I could have given back at least half the kindness you gave me. To feel at least a shred of your love... All I wanted was for you to let me into your life and when it came to it, you shut me out... Maybe I did something wrong or maybe you were crazy, I don’t know, but... -I inhaled. I felt even more like an ass. The argument would have been stupid if it was shared with another person, but it was even more pathetic when it’s all played out in my head. I looked at the apparition once more, her eyes were staring at me, waiting patiently and intently to hear the rest. I took a moment of reprieve, before I started again.

-My therapist told me that “this is all normal, people go through stuff like this all the time when dealing with loss and that it’s normal to feel anxious and depressed in physically and emotionally stressful situations.” It was somewhat because of his suggestions I started writing songs, he said that a healthy outlet for my thoughts and emotions might be good for me. My god Marie, you should have heard me, not even you could have pretended to like those ballads. “Oh love on death’s door/for what do I owe the pleasure/Stay with me a while longer,/For I have not the strength,/For which I face the future.“. I was really into depressing love songs, later I had a macabre theme, and felt like the next Edgar Allan Poe. I hope I made you laugh, wherever you are right now...

-I think I might be getting better at it. My shit isn’t as depressing and all... Don’t tell anybody, but I’m actually kind of proud. I pretend like it’s whatever to save face, if the whole thing blows up in my face, but I’m secretly very proud of myself. Because you promised not to tell anybody, you have to take that one to the grave, okay? -I smiled at the absurdity of it all. There was guilt in this whole ordeal, I was the one so absorbed with everyday life, with college and work and planning out our lives. All I ever wanted was a boring, predictable life, it almost wasn’t fair that I was the one to stay and live out the kind of life she always wanted.

-You were right, traveling, even though exhausting, can be fun and exciting. It doesn’t matter where you go, even the at first glance mundane places usually have something fun to offer. Just last week I ended up in this weird restaurant that sold this salad with, you wouldn’t believe it, frogs eyes! You’d think it would be disgusting, but it really was an eye opening experience... Really dead air? Anyway, I’ve visited kitschy shops, fancy theaters, tried exotic cuisine, went on extreme adrenaline rides... I’ve been here, there and everywhere... Just so I could experience it all for you, or on the off chance I do ever see you in the afterlife I can’t retell you everything or whatever... Anyway it keeps me going, gives me something to do, if nothing else.

‘Now the hard part, I’m sure she’s already suspicious that I’m buttering her up for some bad news.’

-I’ve... I’ve started dating again. Almost even started seeing somebody, but it fell through. It didn’t feel right, since I’m still not fully over you. But I think I might be ready soon... And that scares me. You’re probably murmuring to yourself that everything worries or scares me and that’s not far from the truth. For the longest time I felt like you were the one. You were my soulmate, the one that I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with... Part of me still believes that that is partly true, but I’m not so sure that there is just the one *one*. Like there are potentially a few people that you could truly happily spend the rest of your life with and the *one* is just the person you choose. It takes time to find that person, but with time and patience... We were lucky to have found each other so fast and I don’t regret a single thing. But it’s nice to share your life with somebody again; to share your joy and pain with. And you are... well only getting colder as time goes on. -for a brief moment it crossed my mind that if she were really listening, I wouldn’t be able to tell her half of this.

-It was the very same therapist that pushed me into writing music, that also recommended me to come here to talk to you for the last time. Well he suggested your grave, but that place doesn’t feel like it houses you, this is the place where your soul rests, the only place in town that isn’t polluted by light, so you can stargaze uninterrupted. I have to admit I was somewhat weirded out by the idea of talking to a dead person, but it is somewhat working. It would be better if there was a way to really tell you in person, don’t get me wrong, but I guess even just saying it out loud symbolically to you feels better than keeping it all bottled up. If I wanted you to take away anything from this conversation it’s that we’ve both hurt each-other in unimaginable ways, but I forgive you. I’m feeling good, I’m on the up and up, so please don’t worry about me. I just wish I could somehow fix the past and give you everything you wanted, I’d help you cross everything from your bucket list. I would have spent more time with you and loved you more deeply, I’d have spent our days more wisely. At least I learned not to take life for granted ever again. But most egregiously of all I beat myself up for not being able to say goodbye to you. So if there really isn’t an afterlife I’ll never be able to say it ever again, so I’ll somehow try now: Goodbye, Marie. I love you.

I took a deep breath, but one sob randomly ejected itself from my lungs. How weird it is to hear myself cry, it’s a vulnerable position that I don’t like to see myself in. And yet even despite my best control I find my emotions escape and bubble to the surface. There was a feeling of relief, a feeling like my message did come through, but there was a lot more sadness in the final parting that I didn’t expect. I thought I already mourned for her plenty, that I for the most part got used to her not being here. But at that moment it felt the exact same way it did the very first day when I got the news. The crushing feeling, all the confusion and oppressive sadness. Then the months of trying to adjust unsuccessfully...

I looked at the bench beside me, now her apparition was gone and I was alone again. It reminded me why I moved towns originally, there was nothing left here for me. It all just felt haunted and deserted. Now that I said my peace, the feeling is back again, but I felt like I was finally free. Now that I faced her and admitted to everything out loud I was free to move on. ‘It’s not just a bitter-sweet end, but a new beginning as well’ I thought to myself. Sounded really dumb and foolishly optimistic, but it did help me.

I got up and headed towards the car, taking one final look before I opened the door. The memories came rushing back once more, I could almost picture us snuggling on the bench, just laughing and chatting. It made me feel nostalgic and somewhat empty, knowing that I couldn’t go back to those memories. Before I left, I pictured her standing there on the ledge of the cliff, waving me goodbye, a sort of sad smile on her face. I promised myself that I was going to visit someday soon, to tell her all about my adventures. With one more lingering glance, I got into the car, taking a moment to figure out where I was heading next.