Prologue
“Life begins at the end of our comfort zone.”
“We” idolized love stories that overestimate the reality of relationships. It made us believe that after all the struggles and pain ‘you still have each other in the end.’ Now, I don’t believe that “all we need is love,” call me brutal but that’s how I see it. Sometimes love can’t reciprocate the truest things we need; respect and commitment to people we value. You can fall in love with people who are good for you and who are bad for you. But, even it’s impossible (I hope you find who’s worthy to risk with and willing to go through’ death and life.) Who will choose you, always.
I am not capable of handling intimate relationship not until I’ve met you. Who would have thought I could be with you? Way back then I cringed at people who were very sweet to each other. I wasn’t even sure of what I felt when I said, “yes” to you. I was torn between infatuation or love because it was new. I didn’t expect I would love you. To the extent where I loved you more than myself, which was unhealthy. Sounds so silly, right? The feelings were foreign because that was the very first time I felt it, it was very different. You’ve treated me like I was the only one. You gave me high hopes that we could end up together, but I couldn’t blame you because it was me who expected, though I know it could change (easily.)
I hope you are feeling I loved you enough. I had hoped you saw my worth more than anything you’d wanted. I hope you see me more than something passes the time. I wish you could see how much you mean to me.
I hope you know how much I wanted to be with you. I hope you feel it. I wish you looked at me like you also see our future, like I did. Our life of being tied together. I wish you could see how my eyes glistened when I’m with you. I wish you see me more than who fulfills your needs. I thought I was important just as much as your friends. I thought...
I was blindsided by the “love” I believed. I don’t know what half love was, but I do, now. And, I don’t want to feel it again. I don’t deserve it. I don’t want the love that was coming from your guilt.
The chaos came that we both couldn’t control the situation itself. I couldn’t take anymore seeing myself heart broken again that we can’t at least talk over the phone. I couldn’t just sit there and relax without over thinking, you’re with her again. I can’t sleep when I know you’re not sleeping alone. I couldn’t keep hoping you’ll change.
Did I love you enough? Other people might say it was enough and others wouldn’t. I was stupid enough when I chased you before, though I know you had passed time ‘thingy.’ And I couldn’t be as martyr enough as what you see in the movies. I can’t accept ‘sorry’ anymore when I know you’re not sorry for what you did. “You’re sorry because you just caught.” I know I loved you enough but I couldn’t trust again like before. I know I loved you enough not how others might wanna see it, but how I know should make you feel loved. I think “we” had enough time to know if the relationship would work. I loved you the way I wanted to be loved; I hope it was enough because I think of you more than myself. Enough to keep hoping you’ll see that I was the best thing that happened to you.
Maybe it was different from other relationships but I know what I’ve done was enough to prove that I loved you. I decided to pull myself through it because if I let those pain get deeper then I couldn’t even know what could’ve happened to me. Everything feels nostalgic. I was not someone who could have pleaded with you to stay with me when I knew you really wanted to go. I know you have her already when everything falls apart. I had to backup my life because staying could mean destroying me more.
And, I think that loving someone isn’t just enough. Enough of hoping if my needs are equal in importance to yours. Enough of hoping if you want to know me more... the real me.
It’s been five years since I went away. Myself has been my worst enemy. Who would have thought I could go back after I went through. I moved out with just myself and I went back with my little angel. I had missed out everything. I walked on the streets alone but now I have a hand to hold on. The place, the people I’ve been very close to before I wrecked apart. Things had changed. A lot. I am better now, I guess. I’ve been missing my life before but there were things I never wanted to go back to. I want to stay where it should always stay. In the first place, I’ve never been a part of his life. He didn’t consider me as his half.
“Mom,” as she starts kissing my cheeks. I know it’s already morning and I have to move. Even though my heart ached everytime she asked me about her father and I had to hide everything. I lied about her father. Making her believe her father was dead is better than telling her he couldn’t accept a child. He does not want to have a child.
“Yes baby Allie?” I asked. She hugs me tightly. “Momma would get up now,” I kissed her head. “What does my baby want for breakfast?” I asked.
“I want to see this,” she quickly let go of me and pulled the magazine on our bedside table. She giggles, “Mom I wanna meet him today,” she pouts.
“Mom is kind of busy. You know my schedule, right?” I alibi. Allie is intelligent and I have to lie. I don’t want her to see him. I don’t want her to meet him. It’s the only choice I have.
“When did you start watching that?” I pointed to the magazine. She frowns.
“He’s the man I talked about,” she baby talked.
“Where’d my baby first see that man?” I asked.
“He’s Christopher mom,” she introduced. I was looking at her the whole time she was telling about him. Oh God! Why on earth does she admire that man? Everytime I look at her I remember him. Her attitude and the way she stares it’s something she gets from her dad and I couldn’t change that. When I bore Ally, I started to accept things between me and her father. A part of me forgives him but I could not forget about it. I just can’t. As time passed by, I was scared more seeing her. She’s independent and hardly believes she gets my personality.
“Let’s forget him for a while,” I said. “We have to prepare for your enrollment,” I tickled her neck. She fondly laughs.
“We’re staying here, mom?” She asked. At a five year old daughter she’s opinionated. I picked her up from the bed and settled her on the sofa. Pulling the blankets from the mattress and changing the pillows we used for a week.
“Baby I’m sending you to school while we’re staying here,” I said. “But as soon as mom finished the business we would move into the States,” I explained. I lifted her and carried to the lanai. I never thought I would stay in an apartment. Staying in an apartment is never a good choice especially if you have a child. It’s costly.
“Mom, when are we going to visit dad in the cemetery?” I stiffened. “You said before I would visit him,” she squeaked. “Mommy,” she called out.
“Allie we talked about it, right?” I turned to her holding the spatula. “As long as mom isn’t yet done with the business we’re not going there,” I said.
“Okay,” she pouts.
“Mad now?” I asked.
“Kind of,” she frowns.
I leaned on the kitchen stool and kissed her forehead. “We’re going to the grocery store later. I’ll buy you an ice cream.”
“Really?” She chuckled.
“But you have to sleep this afternoon,” I recalled. After our breakfast I cleaned up the files of clothes and cleaned the kitchen. Twelve in the afternoon I tucked her to bed. I was busily typing the emails I have to send when Allie hugs me from behind.
“Good afternoon, baby!” I kiss her. “Do you want to eat or milk?” I asked.
“I want an oreo and chocolate milk, mom,” she yawns.
“Let me send this first then,” I settled her on another swivel chair. I changed her into comfortable clothes; white tights red underneath a floral red dress and paired it with her favourite white sneakers. I braided her hair then, I put a floral sorbet hat pair on her dress. I think I could call myself a pro in hair styling. That’s what I learned when I already have my baby Allie.
“Allie,” I called.
“Yes, I’m not forgetting it mommy,” she chuckles. “Allie won’t be out of your sight. Allie won’t pick anything she does not need. Allie will behave,” she says then walks closer to me and hugs my legs. I kissed her forehead and lifted her up on my arms all the way to the elevator. When we reach the nearest supermarket Allie holds my left hand intertwined with our fingers. I pulled the basket cart. Firstly, we go to the fruits and vegetables area. After I filled up the basket with our needs in one week we walked to the fresh food area. I picked fresh milk, beef and chicken. While I was busily looking at the fridge for the flavours of ice cream.
“Allie what flavour you want this time?” I asked. I look at my side when I bring back to my senses. “Baby,” I called out. “Allie.” I left the basket cart and quickly searched around the area. I went to the pastry area but she’s not there. I wandered around the place until I was inside the bookshop. I was about to freak out when I suddenly heard her voices from the magazine area.
“Christopher,” I heard her. I hurriedly walked to her and she’s talking to the man slightly sitting on his legs just to keep up with my daughter’s height. His back was on me. He’s on a casual white t-shirt and yeezy shoes. A smile plastered on her face that reaches up to her eyes. She’s really happy. Allie does not even feel my presence at all.
“Allie,” I called out. She looked in my direction and then ran fast. “Mommy,” she smiles. The man stood and slowly turned around. I gulped when I saw his face. That one particular person.
“We have to go,” I said firmly.
“Wait mommy,” she whined.
“What is it?” I ask, perplexed.
“He is Christopher,” she said innocently.
“Trixie,” he uttered. Allie glanced up at us still curious.
“Do you know each other?” She asks.
“Allie,” I said firmly. She pouted.
“Bye Mr. Christopher,” she turned to him and smiled widely. I quickly lifted her to my arms and pulled the cart where it had our weekly budget. I headed straight to the counter area and paid for it.
