Acceptance

"I can't take this anymore," My bags are at the door, "This isn't the life I want to live anymore, Jay." I race around the bedroom, picking up the rest of my other things.

I don't look at Jay. His eyes are burning in the back of my skull. "Ruth, stop fucking walking around. Tell me what is going on. Why are you packing up your shit?" He doesn't understand why I need to leave. "Living like this is shit, I don't want to get married anymore, I don't want to wake every fucking morning to workout, and I don't want to wear this stupid fucking wig anymore!"

My breathing is heavy.

I look at him, I think about how he was the man I loved before and now the man I needed to leave. I push past him grabbing my bags, "Ruth, please, we can talk about this," He follows me into the living room, "If you don't want to do any of those things, we don't have to. Just calm down and let's talk."

Everything I said would be an irrefutable reason why I need to leave. We've talked about these things before. It ended up with us having sex and sleeping it off.

Jay doesn't make me feel like the woman I want to be, not empowered, smart, sexy, and dominant. I want, no, need to be like that. I shake my head and turn towards the door, "I can't settle for this life. I want to explore the world and be the best I can be. You're holding me back."I leave and go to my car, packing everything in and leaving. I don't look back at all. I feel free. All I needed to do now was change these god-ugly clothes and take this fucking wig off. My phone goes off. Jay, he needs to leave the fuck alone, hitting ignore and driving the phone goes off again.

He keeps calling me. It's starting to infuriate and irritate me making me want to throw my phone out the window.

I grab the phone and block the number. I need to call my mom and tell her what's happened. I don't need her worrying about what is going on. If jay calls her acting like a little bitch, what would even happen? Will she tell me to go back to him and pretend that everything fine? That it's just me having cold feet before the wedding?

The phone begins to ring, "Hello, Ruth?" I feel comfort from hearing her voice again, "Mom, don't be angry with me. I left Jay. I'm going to start a new life and journey. I know you wanted me to get married and to start life. I don't want that life anymore. I need to explore myself and find out who I am as a person. I don't feel happy with Jay. He doesn't make me feel like a natural woman." There's silence throughout the car. It's almost ominous, "Mom, are you there?"

I hear clattering through the phone, "Ruth, are you telling me that the wedding we've been planning for months is off?" I didn't know how to answer that question. Her breathing starts to get hefty, "Well, all I have to say is, thank you, Jesus! I hated that boy with all my soul."I gasped at the reaction she gave me. I didn't think my mom would be happy for me to leave him, especially when we planned for this wedding for months. "Mom, you're not mad at me? I thought you would be disappointed in me."

She chuckles over the phone.

Besides Jay, my mom is the only person I ever talk to nowadays. I stopped communicating with any of my college friends. I had my colleagues but, I never formed any bond with them. My mom is my best friend, the only person besides Jay that I communicate with is her. "Baby, I am not angry with you. That man is toxic. He doesn't show you the love that you want. He has you working out a body that is beautiful and doesn't need fixing."

My eyes filled with tears, "Thank you, mom. I just don' want to do this anymore. It's hards to pretend to smile and laugh. After we got engaged, his attitude has changed."I feel the anxiety leave me out of my mind and soul. "Come on home to your mother. I just made some carnitas." She hung up the phone. Tears fall from my face. It's happy tears though, my body and my mind are going to be mine again. The life I want is something I will achieve. I need to learn to love myself once more and to learn about who I am as a person.