The Introduction
It is time to take my turn.
This phrase, I whispered to myself, as my fingers hit end on my former life. The life of titles and privilege in my ivory tower.
To describe how it felt in the moment to slam the door on all my hard work. I would say that my fingers felt, like toes hanging off the edge of the waterfall. This waterfall was only in my mind, but the intense feeling was the same. Moments before, I had to make the call of my life. End stable income to my home and my family. The cost was only my entire soul. The alternative route would be to say, no more.
Raise my chin to the sky.
All I need is love and sunglasses because my future is bright.
This moment in my life, there are battles far greater, that I need my attention. My family needs my strength to fight for my mothers life.
Her life matters more than that job.
At the end of the day, that is all that was. A job.
Not my dream. My living nightmare.
This decision was by far the hardest I had to make up until this point in my life. My head looking over at the water rushing over the cliff. Knowing that jumping off this ledge could kill me but staying were I stood was certain death. I was swimming in a rapid river, surrounded by sharks. In this water, I was bare naked and emotionally raw.
The sharks smelt blood in the water up ahead. They arrived and exploited my pure skin covering my heart. That day in my waking life, I hung up that phone with a person, whom I loved.
A maternal love.
In her arms, I felt safe. The safety was necessary for my survival in that river. My spirt is a wild animal, that cannot be tamed.
One cold day in December, her safety blanket could no longer cover me. My howl had got too loud, the sharks have found me. They had sniffed me out. In this moment, we cried. My faint was shown. All I wanted was my mom or a mom. Some sort of maternal guidance in this bed I made. That woman could have never been my mother. I had a mother. However, she a million miles away. Fighting her own battle. Her battle was far greater than mine. She was battling against Cancer. Cancer does not care, that her daughter is suffering from what could be seen a major failure, in some eyes.
Although my mother loves me, and wishes she could wipe this slate clean, she cannot. I must clean the spilled blood on this cold floor, where I stood.
This trusted person, whom I just spoke too. Never wanted to hear the words, goodbye from me. This time she knew that I would never be coming back, like I have always done years prior. Year after year, I lined up like a whipping post for whatever my job duty was for that day. My back was bruised, and I could not take it anymore. Then the wind filled my lungs, with God Graces on my shoulders. I closed my eyes. Threw my body off the cliff into clear abundant waters below. Where I go, is none of their certain. My talents will be spent elsewhere.
Then I stood up from the chair of despair I had been sitting. This chair was my cliff. Gathered my pride. Stopped my shaking hands from disbelief of what I did. Closing a chapter on a book, I did not want to read any longer.
In that moment, my son looked up and smiled. My health melted back into my physical body, knowing I had made the right decision.
“Don’t cry, Mommy. Its over.”- Danny (My only child)
Then I walked my heavy head into the bathroom. Wet a rag, washed the panic attack from my face. After quitting a job, I gave my entire soul too. That job had me sign in a book of a beast. With wishes and hopes of green grasses. Climbing the hills of that mountain had some of the worst treacherous terrain, my feet have felt. Searching for green fields. Hill after hill. River after river. The greener pasture never appeared. Just smoked filled colonies of chemicals and cheap thrills.
Getting high from the gases exhaled from praises being sung from the helicopter above. That helicopter overhead, was filled with clean smooth sharks. Sheltered from the heat of the war below. My hands were worn ragged, from the fight of my life.
These little hands I have, were split and bleeding. My face is swagging from crying in my car for years for people and places that never mattered. The problems, I have carried for years, uphill. In that moment standing on the cliff when I jumped. I let all those problems, fly from my broken and bloody back. When I crawled with my weaken frame of a body to the bathroom mirror. When I stood in front of the mirror, where I used to be met with my smiling face. Paired with my sunny disposition on life.
Now I seen eyes red for worrying about my mental and physical health. My insides were now cynical and bitter. My beaten heart was seen on my face for the world. I was dying of disease in my mind. Day by day my soul was fading.
My legs shake on the tightrope, I was walking. The tightrope is starting to feel like there is a weakness ahead. My iron gun is loaded and ready in my shaky hand. The river is flowing fast beneath my worn feet. Yet, I kept walking uphill on a tightrope. Then the sounds of a long black train, lingering in the hills in the lower part of this mountain. Worry waves in my mind like a dark spirit. Then the fires in the distance, cried out. Screaming like whistles in the wind.
“Keep Going”, was the message.
That ghost that wonders the woods I walk, continued to whisper into my fogging mind.
That morning, of the first day of my new life. When I took a big deep breath of new life. I got dressed and made my plans. Each step in the plan, will need to be taken very carefully. This road is untraveled, and danger appears ahead. Now we move onward in faith. A spirit held my hand cosign me not to darkness. The dark force had a hold of me. Seeing the glory of the climbing that mountain was still gripping my heart. Thoughts of failing was sinking me into the ground. Each step forward, felt like I am stepping into wet mud, after a winter thaw. My biggest strength was now sinking me. My choices sealing my faint. Unable to hold my tongue. Caused me to give back my broken crown.
When I got to the peak, I found that that mountain I had been climbing, was not what I thought. It was a Volcano. A big scary Volcano. Not, the utopia, that was listed in the job description. Beautiful greenbacks jump in the distance, showing glimpses into between the dust clouds. Close enough to imagine how you would spend the earned rewards. My dark journey in the woods uphill, was starting to open into beautiful fields of abundance. I can smell the sweet fruits of a labored climb.
They promised me abundance, to stay. Like, Eve in the garden. I knew this story, I seen the ending. No, I will not speak of your sins. I will be safe at home and tucked in. Warm. Happy. My heart was flawed, I knew my weakness. You cannot tempt me. Your values are all shot. I am simply just standing up from the that table.
With every power, comes with a cost. My dream of financial freedom was started to pull out its hard branches from this magic forest. The greenbacks turned into evil mushrooms in the dark grasses, surrounding my feet. If I do not run to safety, they will get a hold me. Catch me if you can. The world at the top of this volcano, was reaching a pressure point. This mountain is rumbling. The rivers are rushing, and the dams are weakening. My senses, are pulling me to run, jump, or pray for safety. Sirens were ringing from the ground below.
Unfortunately, I have been climbing this far, I need to see the eye of this fire deep into the core. I am not a quitter, but if I do not leave now. It will cost me more than my scrapes on the knees. A cost so high, that I simply do not have the funds to pay. As I leaped pass the opening of the beast, I threw the pink slip. A slip, I signed when I ran my mouth, for that last time. Tossing that paper into the opening of the volcano.
You can bare your beast of burden on someone else. My life is annotated by his grace and will not pay your cost. My life is more valuable that any amount of money. Even if my value in your eyes, can not be seen. The light inside of me, will be seen in due time. This smile will beam on you. My heat will rise from the ashes, where you left me.
My eyes connecting to my divine purpose, went up to the clouds. I began to scream from my lungs to the winds plying for guidance of what my next move should be.
Prior to that call, I wondered if I should, keep playing with fire. My heart longs to feel the heat on my face, daring me to lean in. I knew what I needed to do. It was going to hurt, in a different way. The kind of heartache, that can shake the earth. Every fiber of my being begged me to stay on the edge. My toes tapping for the moment of greatness.
That life was not the greatest God had for me. In one swift movement, I turned my back on the fire. Took a deep swallow to hold my tears, as I felt the fire flooding behind me. Then I started tumbling back down the hill. Hearing my ghost screaming, “RUN!”
I let my body go limb and roll down that hill. With no worry, that I was going to get hurt. Letting the cold wilderness, use my body for its desire. Leaving not a trace, but warnings that linger in your mind. The spirits that have crossed me, will wonder if they should run too. Think of me as your ghost in your mind, Listen to my warnings. Worry not for me, I will be okay. Always here.
My hope is that my people will only speak of the good memories of me. Remember my warnings. You will have to save yourself. My morning yearning will be filled with love. Those spirits that crossed me in my escape from that nightmare, will always live in my heart and motivate me to carry on.
This will be my last fall from grace. I promise you that. My future has a divine purpose, that I will not give up on. Up until this moment in my life. I have been lying to everyone. My happiness was fake. My smile forced. However, my words of encouragement I used to help strengthen my fatigue heart, were real. My love for you was not an illusion or fake. I will always be rooting for you.
Every relationship both professional and personal is real and pure. This is something, I cannot change in a swift movement. My loyalty could never be bought, traded, or stolen. My conscious has to be clear, for it to function.
I Am Free.
Friends, carry onward and upward.
It took a lot of sacrifices to get to that point in my journey.
That climb on that mountain, took pieces of soul, peeling off my skin like paint in an old house. Much like this old house on a hill, that I sit in to write down how I found myself, again. After taking such a tumble in 2020. The volcano was the den of devilish sharks. That were shape shifted into my demons holding my keys to success, I longed for. These sharks were greasing me up for years. They feed their belly full of my labors for too long.
Despite the efforts of those sharks in that climb. They will go hungry. They may have been trying to prep me for a feast, but I never showed up to dinner. My server tipped me off that sharks were hungry.
The eyes of someone I used to know starred at me.
My friend’s thoughts lingered in my mind and soul, with words of “you should properly leave”.
Words that only lifted into my heart. From the heart of the person on the other side of my device
Friend, I will do just that. Just as you trained me to do.
Stand Up and Take my Bow.
“Don’t concern yourself with this mess you’ve left for me. .....You are going to break my heart anyway. So just leave the pieces when you go. “
– The Wreckers
Song: Leave The Pieces
