Saudade | tk

I was never fond of winters. I was never good with dealing with cold. And somehow today felt colder than ever. I was standing, in front of the guy I loved to death, but unlike the other times, his presence wasn't warm. It couldn't be.

“So y-you're leaving?” Jungkook's voice almost cracked as he managed to choke out the words.

“Of course, don't make it seem as if I hadn't told you already. You were the first person I told about this,” I shifted my gaze to the ground, unable to maintain an eye contact with him. I possibly could not. I didn't have the heart to.

He grabbed my hand, “You know that's not the kind of leaving I'm taking about.”

I stare at him. I couldn't look at him for long. He just looked so hurt. And it hurt me even more knowing that I'm the reason behind it.

“Taehyung, why? Why?”

“You know we can't do this. It isn't that I'm moving a few cities away. We're going to be countries apart. How can we possibly carry this on?” I was scared really. Speaking to him like this was completely shattering me.

“We'd be on phones, we'd send each other voice notes, and if that isn't possible, I'd wait until you write me letters, but just please. Atleast don't give up on this that easily! Don't....give up on me.”

I hated this. I hate it when I hear his hurtful voice. I hate myself for doing it. I absolutely hate myself.

“Jungkook, you know how much this means to me. I-I can't possibly go knowing that you'd be waiting for me all the damn time. I wouldn't be able to concentrate carrying this guilt. Please, understand. I don't wanna do this, for both of our sakes!” I managed, barely.

He looked a little away from me, “You have never been this selfish before.”

I swallowed hard.

Selfish. This is the first time he's ever used a degrading word for me. It was my fault. Not his.

“Yes, I know. But whatever you say, I can't change the circumstances. I have to leave tomorrow and I want to have a fresh start. I really want us... To be free. And I want you leave me, if you keep saying things like these, I won't be able to go.”

I was perplexed. Did I want this? Absolutely not. But was it necessary?

I hope it is. I don't want to have any regrets later.

He stayed there still and every passing second seemed to me an hour long. I have spent hours with him that have gone by in seconds. But this silence between us? It seemed longer than ever.

Please, Jungkook. Don't make it harder than it already is.

“If you've decided already, I don't think I can change it now.” What else could I expect? It was in fact me, who pressured him to do this.

“We're breaking up.”

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