Prologue
I’ve needed to share my story for too long now. People ask me why I am sometimes distant & often in solitude. Every tale has a prologue - the story before the story.
A letter to the person I’ll never know
who changed my life forever.
•🖤•
They say to be grateful for the struggle, the tailspin will land you exactly where you need to be. The struggles that have been forced on us over the last few years, however, are things that I can never be grateful for. For they are tailspins we didn’t send ourselves into, plot twists we never deserved and story lines we were never meant to live. A life that ever since, continues to be molded by fairytales we lived in - nightmares we endured and the never-ending dream of finding ‘happily ever after’.
In order to survive the battlefields that this world, seems all to often to leave outside my door, I have grown accustomed over the years to creating different versions of myself. A different soldier for every war. Each one holding a piece of the person that exists inside of me. The being I truly am. Years of waging wars may have tattered the edges of my soul - but they have imparted me with the strength I have been searching for for years to find. The strength to finally share my story to any one that will listen. The story that, until now, I have never allowed the world to know.
Allow me to set the scene - to walk you down the path I wandered down, that led me to the cross roads I am about my life and the person I’ll never meet who changed it forever.
It started almost 10 years ago - when my loving soul mate and I chose to surrender a life of wanderlust to move back to the place we once knew as home. After a beautiful life together we had spent traveling the country - we agreed to dig our heals back into the soil we had both left behind, one last time. A journey we began with the belief of this ‘short-term’ commitment would allow prosperity to flourish in the future we both hoped to share with one another someday. This decision was made for the simple goal of allowing me to complete the Cosmetology degree I had only just set my sights on. One of the first destinations and promises to myself - that I have ever been able to offer to myself, and to my partner.
After caring for me and loving me in more cities and lives than I had imagined I would ever be loved in - after providing me the temporary stability and happiness my mind so desperately needed while I re-learned how to love myself again - and after aiding me in healing the wounds that others before had left to scar the soul that lived inside of that 22 year-old body of mine. I had finally fueled a passion that would allow me to provide my life partner with the promise of - life became financially tight, but my fiancé and I knew we were going to be okay. We were young, optimistic, happy and looking forward to starting a new life. My fiancé quit his job that offered him a stable 100K yearly pay but required him to travel thousands of miles away, and went into the service industry making quick cash to keep us afloat through this transition period.
Over a span of 2 years while I finished school and my fiancé worked multiple jobs full-time, we placed the trust of our livelihood for the first time into the hands of numerous people we would come to know as lessons learned. Employers who always left us empty handed, landlords who nearly landed us homeless more times than I can count, and friends who clung around when money was flowing but left us alone when we were unable to make it out to the party. We went through our struggles, as everyone does, and we made it to the other side.
A few years ago we had finally earned our come up. Everything was finally going to be okay, and money was no longer going to be an issue, which meant that we could finally start planning our future. Of course after having dealt with so many people over a number of years who repeatedly thrust knives into our backs, we naturally developed trust issues with anyone when it came to our financial life. Employers, landlords and friends had forced us to make choices through out this time period that put our credit in the dumpster and had collections at our backs. So we never allowed ourselves to keep a bank account in fear of someone attempting to drink from it, just a hidden stash of everything that we had worked so hard to gain amongst the sinkholes that seemed to appear around our life prior.
Then it happened.
We come home one night from what we thought to be just another day at work to see our front door had been kicked in. We walk in to find my 3 sweet innocent kittens terrorized and in a full panic, my home flipped upside down and inside out, my dressers slammed into the ground, the drawers scattered throughout with everything inside of them now thrown amongst piles of items that were shattered all around, the ground littered with what had once been items decorating the home we fought for years to create. Every single item we owned had been touched by someone I’ll never know the name of. They stole what we had tired our bodies for years saving, the sunshine we had hidden to pull ourselves out of the storm. Priceless items we had spent the past years since moving back holding onto and our stash collective of more money than we had ever managed to save in our lives combined. The money that was soon to be tripled in a deal in order to give us a foothold into the future we wanted. We were once again shoved face first into the mud.
The feeling of being violated in itself was overwhelming. Every night left home alone, I was forced to sit on my couch with a butchers knife by my side. Jumping at every sound, every headlight that shined through my blinds, scared that whatever vile human came into my home that terrible night was going to come back.
We lost everything. Our financial stability, our peace of mind, any chance of having the life we dreamed of any time soon.
Eventually because someone had taken everything from us that was keeping our world afloat, we lost our home.
Soon to follow, my fiancé lost his job.
We were left once again with nothing, and no one by our side.
After that day it seemed to be a constant battle of doing good for others and repeatedly learning the lesson that others will not always do good unto you.
Eventually we were off our knees and freshly on our feet, no money saved up but we were making it through the months. My fiancé found a job that he loved and employers that he looked up to in an industry he adores. We found a home to rent from landlords that appeared to be a god send. Life was still a struggle, but we were making it through. Month by month we were slowly clawing our way out of this hole we had been shoved into. At this point we were simply trying to be okay in the present, but no longer able to truly plan our future.
A year passed and then a blessing came our way, and we were suddenly set to inherit a home of our own but it came with the risk of putting ourselves in yet another financial situation first, having to pay our way through a legal battle in order to secure the inheritance but would concurrently secure a home for our future. We sat and discussed every aspect of this until we finally agreed that life was handing us an opportunity and we needed to take it. With me working at the salon and my better half managing a high volume establishment on the edge of downtown, we believed we could tackle this head on and come out of this on top.
Then it happened.
We had opened up to finally trusting someone again, and the employers of my fiancé whom we had placed our fragile lives in the hands of after previously having everything taken from us, thrust yet another knife into our already full backs. After a night of finally standing up to some problems that were arising amongst his employees there, the behavior of the employers themselves, and the unfair financial offerings they were giving to their employed son and no one else as promised who worked equally as hard and were equally deserving of, they fired my fiancé. The man who had given them every piece of himself for so long. They threw him to the curb like a bag of trash without warning, all while knowing full well the financial obligations of this inheritance that we had just taken on and the rough life we had previously lived.
We did the only the only thing we could do and began telling ourselves everything was going to be okay, that this was the universe simply telling us we were meant to be pushed in another direction. My other half scurried for a month to find new employment as we began the process of completing the move out of our old home and into the new one. All the while still making financial payments on the rather large remaining mortgage left on the home we inherited.
Then it happened again, betrayal.
Our old landlords smiled and wished us well to our faces as we moved out, and within months sent us a bill in the mail for thousands of dollars in damages that anyone who has ever been to my home can tell you never existed. These private landlords, slum lords, who allow people in bad situations like we had previously been in, to move into their homes only to turn around and prey on their financials when they move out. The “god sends” who offered a helping hand in a dire situation someone had forced us into, slapped us right in the face when we were no longer going to be filling their pockets every month.
Now we sit in this home. This “blessing”. Having been beat down by every person we have trusted in this life. My fiancé once again starting a new job, having to work his way from the bottom. Being truly grateful for the few people left in our life that have stuck by our side. All the meanwhile remembering those who once again disappeared when our wallets tightened. One I considered even to be of my closest friends justifying their absence in our life with a text message stating “I haven’t been around because I know you guys are in a financial situation and I was worried you would ask for money.” When all we ever needed was a friend to sit with us as we take care of ourselves until the sun comes out again.
While I know we are not perfect, these terrible things that have happened to us have caused us to walk the paths we did. We’re on the edge of a second chance. These months to follow are going to be what finally fills our life with the financial stability and loving household that we have so desperately been searching for all these years since having everything shattered before us. These holes we were forced into was done to us by people disguised as a light at end of a tunnel, that in turn only sent us into a deeper darker cavern. And while I harbor so much resentment towards the pile of bodies that have left these knives in our backs, my mind can only bring me back to one time period where this tailspin began. That night when our lives were broken into and stolen from.
My mind constantly searches over the timeline of our life and series of events we have been through, searching for the moment where things led me to where I am. My mind always coming back to one conclusion.
What I would give to sit in a room with the person who broke into my home and stole my future.
What I would give to tell them that they didn’t simply steal sentimental items or the cash that we had saved. They stole years from me, years that I will never have. They stole from me what we were so close to using as our payment towards a future with a home and a family. Had they simply left us alone, I would have never walked down this path, I would have never met these people that have since continued to tear my life apart. I would have never lost my home, my trusting ways of loving people, my peaceful mind.
If I could sit down with the person who ransacked my life and destroyed everything I owned I would tell them, by now I would living in a home of my own choosing, with my loving and beautiful fiancé, almost fully financially prepared for the family I so desperately dream of. Today my life would be my own, but you stole that from me. When you shattered the glass on my front door, you thought you hit the jackpot, but when you left with everything I had you forced me to walk a road I was never supposed to be down. A road I’ve been walking down lost and confused every year since. A road filled with people who have hurt me more times than I care to count, a road that made me lose my home, a road that at times forced me into food banks, piling my sweet kittens and all the clothes I could carry into my car to go sleep in motels because I had no place to call my own, a road that has introduced people into my world that I was so eager to call friend and who were so quick to turn around and add another dagger to my back.
None of this was supposed to be my life, my road was clear. My destination in sight. You never broke into my home and simply stole my money, you stole every plan I ever had, you stole my future.
You stole where I would be right now.
Where I should be right now.
The family I would be so close to having by now.
You stole my kindness, my trusting heart, my belief of good in the world.
You stole the loving person I was supposed to be.
You stole my path and left me on a road that was not mine to walk. Leaving me cold, lost and at times heartless.
For that, I can never forgive you; but if you allow me the opportunity, I will share the tales I have since lived while wandering this world - lost. Offer me your patience, hear my story, and allow my words to paint for you the chaos that now resides in what had once been known as - This Beautiful Life of Mine.
Over a span of 2 years while I finished school and my fiancé worked multiple jobs full-time, we placed the trust of our livelihood for the first time into the hands of numerous people we would come to know as lessons learned. Employers who always left us empty handed, landlords who nearly landed us homeless more times than I can count, and friends who clung around when money was flowing but left us alone when we were unable to make it out to the party. We went through our struggles, as everyone does, and we made it to the other side.
A few years ago we had finally earned our come up. Everything was finally going to be okay, and money was no longer going to be an issue, which meant that we could finally start planning our future. Of course after having dealt with so many people over a number of years who repeatedly thrust knives into our backs, we naturally developed trust issues with anyone when it came to our financial life. Employers, landlords and friends had forced us to make choices through out this time period that put our credit in the dumpster and had collections at our backs. So we never allowed ourselves to keep a bank account in fear of someone attempting to drink from it, just a hidden stash of everything that we had worked so hard to gain amongst the sinkholes that seemed to appear around our life prior.
Then it happened.
We come home one night from what we thought to be just another day at work to see our front door had been kicked in. We walk in to find my 3 sweet innocent kittens terrorized and in a full panic, my home flipped upside down and inside out, my dressers slammed into the ground, the drawers scattered throughout with everything inside of them now thrown amongst piles of items that were shattered all around, the ground littered with what had once been items decorating the home we fought for years to create. Every single item we owned had been touched by someone I’ll never know the name of. They stole what we had tired our bodies for years saving, the sunshine we had hidden to pull ourselves out of the storm. Priceless items we had spent the past years since moving back holding onto and our stash collective of more money than we had ever managed to save in our lives combined. The money that was soon to be tripled in a deal in order to give us a foothold into the future we wanted. We were once again shoved face first into the mud.
The feeling of being violated in itself was overwhelming. Every night left home alone, I was forced to sit on my couch with a butchers knife by my side. Jumping at every sound, every headlight that shined through my blinds, scared that whatever vile human came into my home that terrible night was going to come back.
We lost everything. Our financial stability, our peace of mind, any chance of having the life we dreamed of any time soon.
Eventually because someone had taken everything from us that was keeping our world afloat, we lost our home.
Soon to follow, my fiancé lost his job.
We were left once again with nothing, and no one by our side.
After that day it seemed to be a constant battle of doing good for others and repeatedly learning the lesson that others will not always do good unto you.
Eventually we were off our knees and freshly on our feet, no money saved up but we were making it through the months. My fiancé found a job that he loved and employers that he looked up to in an industry he adores. We found a home to rent from landlords that appeared to be a god send. Life was still a struggle, but we were making it through. Month by month we were slowly clawing our way out of this hole we had been shoved into. At this point we were simply trying to be okay in the present, but no longer able to truly plan our future.
A year passed and then a blessing came our way, and we were suddenly set to inherit a home of our own but it came with the risk of putting ourselves in yet another financial situation first, having to pay our way through a legal battle in order to secure the inheritance but would concurrently secure a home for our future. We sat and discussed every aspect of this until we finally agreed that life was handing us an opportunity and we needed to take it. With me working at the salon and my better half managing a high volume establishment on the edge of downtown, we believed we could tackle this head on and come out of this on top.
Then it happened.
We had opened up to finally trusting someone again, and the employers of my fiancé whom we had placed our fragile lives in the hands of after previously having everything taken from us, thrust yet another knife into our already full backs. After a night of finally standing up to some problems that were arising amongst his employees there, the behavior of the employers themselves, and the unfair financial offerings they were giving to their employed son and no one else as promised who worked equally as hard and were equally deserving of, they fired my fiancé. The man who had given them every piece of himself for so long. They threw him to the curb like a bag of trash without warning, all while knowing full well the financial obligations of this inheritance that we had just taken on and the rough life we had previously lived.
We did the only the only thing we could do and began telling ourselves everything was going to be okay, that this was the universe simply telling us we were meant to be pushed in another direction. My other half scurried for a month to find new employment as we began the process of completing the move out of our old home and into the new one. All the while still making financial payments on the rather large remaining mortgage left on the home we inherited.
Then it happened again, betrayal.
Our old landlords smiled and wished us well to our faces as we moved out, and within months sent us a bill in the mail for thousands of dollars in damages that anyone who has ever been to my home can tell you never existed. These private landlords, slum lords, who allow people in bad situations like we had previously been in, to move into their homes only to turn around and prey on their financials when they move out. The “god sends” who offered a helping hand in a dire situation someone had forced us into, slapped us right in the face when we were no longer going to be filling their pockets every month.
Now we sit in this home. This “blessing”. Having been beat down by every person we have trusted in this life. My fiancé once again starting a new job, having to work his way from the bottom. Being truly grateful for the few people left in our life that have stuck by our side. All the meanwhile remembering those who once again disappeared when our wallets tightened. One I considered even to be of my closest friends justifying their absence in our life with a text message stating “I haven’t been around because I know you guys are in a financial situation and I was worried you would ask for money.” When all we ever needed was a friend to sit with us as we take care of ourselves until the sun comes out again.
While I know we are not perfect, these terrible things that have happened to us have caused us to walk the paths we did. We’re on the edge of a second chance. These months to follow are going to be what finally fills our life with the financial stability and loving household that we have so desperately been searching for all these years since having everything shattered before us. These holes we were forced into was done to us by people disguised as a light at end of a tunnel, that in turn only sent us into a deeper darker cavern. And while I harbor so much resentment towards the pile of bodies that have left these knives in our backs, my mind can only bring me back to one time period where this tailspin began. That night when our lives were broken into and stolen from.
My mind constantly searches over the timeline of our life and series of events we have been through, searching for the moment where things led me to where I am. My mind always coming back to one conclusion.
What I would give to sit in a room with the person who broke into my home and stole my future.
What I would give to tell them that they didn’t simply steal sentimental items or the cash that we had saved. They stole years from me, years that I will never have. They stole from me what we were so close to using as our payment towards a future with a home and a family. Had they simply left us alone, I would have never walked down this path, I would have never met these people that have since continued to tear my life apart. I would have never lost my home, my trusting ways of loving people, my peaceful mind.
If I could sit down with the person who ransacked my life and destroyed everything I owned I would tell them, by now I would living in a home of my own choosing, with my loving and beautiful fiancé, almost fully financially prepared for the family I so desperately dream of. Today my life would be my own, but you stole that from me. When you shattered the glass on my front door, you thought you hit the jackpot, but when you left with everything I had you forced me to walk a road I was never supposed to be down. A road I’ve been walking down lost and confused every year since. A road filled with people who have hurt me more times than I care to count, a road that made me lose my home, a road that at times forced me into food banks, piling my sweet kittens and all the clothes I could carry into my car to go sleep in motels because I had no place to call my own, a road that has introduced people into my world that I was so eager to call friend and who were so quick to turn around and add another dagger to my back.
None of this was supposed to be my life, my road was clear. My destination in sight. You never broke into my home and simply stole my money, you stole every plan I ever had, you stole my future.
You stole where I would be right now.
Where I should be right now.
The family I would be so close to having by now.
You stole my kindness, my trusting heart, my belief of good in the world.
You stole the loving person I was supposed to be.
You stole my path and left me on a road that was not mine to walk. Leaving me cold, lost and at times heartless.
For that, I can never forgive you; but if you allow me the opportunity, I will share the tales I have since lived while wandering this world - lost. Offer me your patience, hear my story, and allow my words to paint for you the chaos that now resides in what had once been known as - This Beautiful Life of Mine.
