thoughts of a girl with too many thoughts

sometimes I stay up late thinking.

i think about time. we always live in the present, and the past fades away. how important is the past if it’s never the present, and how important is the future if the present is the future?

i think about people. every person has a story to tell, but we all feel so insignificant. what is our real importance in a world where size is relative?

i think about myself. how my brain works, and how science has told us again and again we are just clumps of cells. but I keep thinking i am something more. maybe i have a soul, or maybe i am more. what am i worth if life is just an illusion?

i think about life. everyone stays here, not able to know or control anything. we live our lives, not knowing what happens at the finish line. i wonder if life is worth living, when hurt and sorrow and happiness and hope go head to head every day.

i think about what i can’t control. sometimes, i feel like i am hardly in control of myself. other times, i think i can rule the world. but nothing in this world is sure. even my life isn’t under my control.

but every day, i use my thoughts to drown myself to sleep. and every day, i wake up the next morning. and damn, i remember everything good in this world.

i remember ice cream sandwiches, small frogs, a “good job” from a teacher on an assignment, number neighbors, lemonade on a hot day, hugs, days where the date looks cool and everyone gets excited, elegant suits, cute drinks, milk alternatives, finding pants that are just the right size, getting a text back, people with rock collections, stuffed animals, and cats.

it’s 11:11 right now, and i’m writing this to wash away the anxiety. nobody will see this, but i’m glad i have.

- cindy