Sharon
There were a lot of Sharon’s in my school in the 70’s and 80’s but this one in particular caused me so much hell.
I was teased and picked on daily at school throughout my school life.
Sharon was in a little gang of boys & girls and for some reason I was one of their targets, nothing physical apart from the regular ‘dead arm’, just continual pranks, remarks and teasing etc.
In the secondary school I’d hoped it would get better but not a chance, it was there that Sharon chose me as her ‘homework doer’.
“Oye Smiffy, this has got to be done tomorrow, don’t let me down” as she threw her sheaf of papers at me and the gang laughs.
Like a drip I pick them all up and put them in my bag.
I’d kind of get it if I was some sort of brain box but I’m anything but, I struggle to do my own homework let alone someone else’s.
I never fitted in a group, I wasn’t clever enough to join the geeks and I was too scared of my mum to cause trouble and risk the smacking most kids up to the end of the 80’s received on a regular basis to join any gangs.
That was probably the reason I was chosen to be picked on, no need to divide and conquer if I’m a loner anyway.
So I resigned myself to keep doing her homework for her for months if not years.
I left school with not many grades and the ones I had were middle of the road.
I didn’t hate school but I was glad to leave and start a new life in work and away from anyone that knew me at school.
20yrs later.
I’ve done ok for myself, not a millionaire by any means but I can pay the bills most of the time if sometimes a bit late.
All in all a happy adulthood when I look back over it so far.
I receive an invite via email for a school reunion, without a second thought I delete it.
Why on earth would I want to see any of those idiots that made my life so difficult.
A couple of days before the reunion event I get a reminder, I’ve deleted loads of these now, it’s relentless. I don’t even know how they found my contact details.
Stubborn as always I don’t give it another thought and that weekend disappears like most.
Opening my emails Monday morning I sift thru and delete the usual spam.
I see one I don’t recognise and tap on it.
“Missed you at the reunion on Saturday, did you even go to it, was hoping to catch up with you, see how your life has turned out”
No name or anything. The sender was SP71@hotmail.
I carry on with my work and forget all about it.
Logging on in the evening I see I have another from this mystery emailer.
“I do hope all is well with you and life is treating you kindly. Is there a chance we could meet? I feel I need to get something off my chest and move on with my life and hopefully will help you do the same, Sharon (I know you might not want to see me ever again)”
I thought about it for a long time before I replied “Dear Sharon, my life got a whole lot better for not seeing you or your gang of ‘friends’ all these years. I fail to see what I would get out of this. Surely you have some other victims to prey upon and pretend to feel bad about”.
No response that night, she’s got the message at last.
1st thing in the morning I’m searching my emails to see if she has replied, why hasn’t she replied. Was my email that hurtful to someone who regularly dished out that kind of behaviour?
My mind is troubled as I eat breakfast, maybe I should send another email and more kindly tell her I’m over it, it’s all in the distant past, let it go.
I open my emails and just about to write when I receive a reply from her.
“Dear Carl,
I have to be honest with you, I have been receiving therapy lately and one of the things my therapist told me I must do is revisit my past and if possible make right what was wrong to help me move forward.
I caused so much distress to others when I was younger and it had caught up with me and the trauma has brought me to this point.
Please spare me just a few minutes, I promise you will understand more when I explain”.
Reply
“Dear Sharon,
Ok let’s get this over with, I can do 11am today, how about a coffee somewhere. Are you still local?”
Reply
“Not that local anymore, I can only do 11am if you come to my address, its in this link”.
http//rtekcigkdifkdmsmdkck
Reply
“Ok, I can make it”.
Reply
“Thank you, see you then. Xxx”
Oh no, she’s putting kisses on the end, it’s not that kind of relationship lady.
I search her address thru the link.
Seems it’s in a secluded part on the outskirts of the next village over.
I make my way over, I cannot believe the size of the house as I pull up outside on the drive.
Did she win the lottery or something?
Probably fleeced a poor bloke and now it’s hers.
I knock the door and wait.
The door opens just enough for someone to peer out.
“Sharon?, it’s Carl”.
She opens the door wider and she waves me in pointing towards a kitchen.
I go thru and stand at the worktop nearest.
She follows me in and walks past switching on the kettle en route.
She stops opposite me across the worktop.
Looking down and not at me “I’m glad you could make it, this is such a difficult thing for me”.
Her shoulders start involuntarily shrugging, her eyes still looking down at the worktop.
Tears start to appear on her cheek.
I look at her awkwardly as her sobs are getting more audible.
She bursts into tears and I instinctively leap round the kitchen to her, pull her in and wrap my arms around her.
Holding her tight she looks up at me.
That’s when I notice those eyes. As though god had smashed sapphires and emeralds together and crafted eyes with them.
Suddenly it brought it all back, even tho she and her cronies picked on me constantly I still spent most of my mid to late teens masturbating to mental images of Sharon, well to be honest pretty much all the girls at school but mostly her.
I’m sure there is a word for someone who does that while thinking of his tormentor.
Was that why I did her homework because subconsciously I fancied her.
She was certainly a beauty but in the wrong crowd it tainted my feelings for her.
I look into her eyes, filled with tears, overflowing down her cheeks and dripping onto my shirt.
“Sharon, come on, it wasn’t that bad was it? Yes you were awful to me but I’ve put it behind me and to be honest if it wasn’t you it would have been someone else”
“Oh Carl, you never knew did you? You really didn’t know!”
“All I knew was I had to do your homework or else”
She bursts into tears again and I hold her close until she calms down. It takes a while and my arms are starting to ache.
“Why don’t you sit down for a bit, I’ll make the coffee, I can work out where everything is”.
She nods in my chest and walks out of the kitchen into the next room.
I seek and find all the coffee items and make 2 mugs.
I walk into the huge living room and place a mug at her side and sit next to her on the sofa.
“Ok let’s change the subject just a little and come back to your troubles in a bit.
What’s the story behind you being in a huge house like this” I ask.
She takes a deep breath in and wipes her cheek dry, “I left school with excellent grades, got an amazing job abroad, made a ton of money and came back last year and just bought this house outright”.
“Whoa, wait, you got excellent grades at school? But I did your work for you, how did you get good grades and I didn’t?”
“Oh Carl, your homework was awful, I never ever used any of it, I did my own work every evening”.
“But, but, what? I don’t understand!”
“The crowd I was with, all of us made others do our work, I didn’t need to but I had to go along with what they did or I’d be seen as a geek and they’d cut me loose. I was too weak to do my own thing”.
“But if my work was that bad, why get me to do it, or not do it as it’s turning out now?”
“Oh Carl, you really are clueless aren’t you? I loved you back then. I was totally in love with you, it was my only way to talk to you. Imagine if that got out back then with the gang I was in. I was hoping to get you in our gang somehow but you were such a loner and a stubborn one at that, you would never have joined us and you wouldn’t have fitted in either”.
“Sharon, fuck sake, so this is all, well I don’t know what it is but...”
“I’ve never stopped being in love with you Carl, I’ve been single all these years, never knowing
whether you hated me for all I’ve done.
All this success I’ve had in my career is all for nothing when you’re all alone with no one to share the experience with, if I could turn back the clock I would trade all this and the way I treated you, I’ve been secretly keeping tabs on you all these years”.
“Oh so have I been a source of enjoyment for you to watch from your castle?”
“NO!!! Oh god this isn’t how I thought this would go” tears welling in her eyes.
“I’m sorry Sharon, but you obviously can’t imagine it from my perspective, the crap I went through all through school, and then being unleashed into the big wide world with next to no confidence”.
“My mother said a few years ago she thought I would be the one out of me and my 2 brothers to go on and smoke, drink and get involved in drugs and go completely off the rails as I was so withdrawn a lot of the time, oddly as it turns out, I was the odd one out by not doing any of those things” I say, tears falling freely down her face now.
I stand and turn to her, “look, time is escaping me, if you don’t mind I’ll quickly use your loo and be on my way”, she nods as she finds some tissue for her face.
I wee for the longest ever time and make my way back to the living room.
Her back to me on the sofa, her upper body heaving as she sobs uncontrollably.
Taking pity I go to her, grab her hands and pull her up and pull her in for a hug.
Eventually the tears stop, I look down at her and tell her to just put all this behind her, get on with your life, I’m over it and was over it beforehand. There was never a need to dredge it all back up for me. Let’s put a line under it now and it’s finished.
She slowly nodded in my chest.
Letting her go she slumps a little in her stand, I walk to the door, as I open it I look back “get on with your life, I officially set you free, I wish you every success and happiness”, I leave, stride to my car and drive away.
Ten years later.
My birthday came and went yesterday as it always does just with more candles on the cake resembling a forest fire.
I had my usual family cards and gifts that they find increasingly hard to find.
I also had my “happy birthday” email from Sharon. It’s the only contact I allow for the last 10years. I always reply “thank you” and leave it at that.
The 1st year she sent that and tried to engage me in conversation but I kindly told her to leave it.
I’ve never known when her birthday was.
After a busy birthday with the folks I slept soundly that night as I do most nights.
Readied myself for work the next morning and drove to my appointment, a house in the nearby estate for a measure up and discuss options of the work they want me to do.
I ring the bell, I hear a child in the background “muuuuuuuuummmm, dooooooorrrrrr”.
A few quick thuds on the floor as someone approaches the door.
‘Mum’ answers the door.
I recognise her straight away but not sure where from.
She invites me in with the obligatory ‘please excuse the mess’ which is never evident wherever I turn up.
“Tea, coffee?”.
“Coffee please”.
“Bloomfield School wasn’t it? I recognise you, you’ve hardly changed”
“Yes it was, I did recognise you but wasn’t sure where from”.
“Ha ha you probably know my partner too, he’ll be in soon, he’s in the garden”.
“Oh, great. So, stairs, did you have plans drawn up for the loft conversion I could take a look at”? Changing the subject.
“Oh, er yes I’ll go and get them, they make no sense to me but I’m sure you’ll know what you’re looking at”.
Nodding yes into my coffee cup, she leaves the kitchen.
While she is out of the room in walks Darren, oh no, FUCKING DARREN!!!
“Allo mate!!!” He says as he walks through the door recognising me instantly.
‘Mate, MATE???’ I seethe in my head.
Poker face as usual “Darren isn’t it?” I ask in my professional manner.
“Yeah, bloody ‘ell, I didn’t realise you were the Carl that was coming over”.
“Oh mate, what memories aye? Oh it was so good back then, we all had a laugh didn’t we eh?”
Before I had chance to answer, which was probably a good thing, Tracey returns holding the technical drawings from the architect.
“Ere’ Trace look who it is, you remember him don’t ya!”
“Yeah, recognised him but didn’t really know him at school”.
Holding out my hand for the plans Tracey passes them over “thank you Tracey” I say.
“Right Carl, bring your coffee and I’ll show you what we’re up against” Darren excitedly shouts.
I follow him up the stairs and up a ladder into the loft.
He explains roughly what they are trying to do for the conversion and I nod in all the right places and jot down notes and take the occasional measurement for my note pad.
“Ok, got all that, I’ll see if I can make it work and come up with a price for you soon as I can” I say.
I turn to go down the ladder, he pats me on the shoulder like we were best buddies.
I turn back, he steps back in surprise slightly losing his balance.
“Mate are you alright, you seem a bit serious”, he asks.
“Yes all fine, I just remember things differently to you at school, they weren’t the best memories, but anyway don’t worry about that, I’ll sort some prices out and get back to you” I reply trying to get away.
“You know it was always only banter with all of us kids don’t ya!? Nothing serious, no one got harmed it was just a bit of fun” he said, defending himself and his gang.
I carried on down the ladder without answering. Stood on the landing looking around at where the new stairs are going to be situated making more notes.
He climbs down and silently stands by while I measure. Hovering around awkwardly.
“You remember Sharon?” He asks quietly.
Now why only mention Sharon and no one else, where are we going with this I think while trying to concentrate.
“Yes vaguely” I lie.
Rubbing his stubbled chin as though trying to decide whether to say something, “she did well for herself that one, always said it was thanks to you helping her with her homework, you know she fancied you like crazy right?”
“I don’t really remember that much to be honest Darren, it’s a time I’ve tried to forget”.
Closing my note pad I walk down the stairs put the empty cup on the table and stand by the front door.
He comes down in silence, his forehead creased heavily in some effort of thought.
Before he says anything else I open the door and walk out. “Will send the prices over in the next couple of days, thanks for the coffee”.
I turn and walk away, I don’t need the work that badly, I won’t bother pricing that up, they’ll get fed up with waiting and get someone else in, are my thoughts as I drive away.
A nice sunny warm day I decide to drive to the seafront and have my lunch. My usual fruit and yogurt in a bowl.
Parked up facing the sea, light waves rolling in catching the light of the sun reflecting as they break to a ripple on the shore.
I’m daydreaming now, staring at the waves, mind wandering all over the place. I do this a lot, enjoying my solitude at one with planet earth.
Sitting back in my seat, my head back against the headrest. I close my eyes, consciously letting my breath slow as I relax into my seat.
Somewhere in the depths of my mind I pick out a vision from 10years previous.
A pair of Sapphire and Emerald eyes looking up at me filled with tears.
As soon as they appear they’re gone and I flinch awake.
I start my car and drive home putting it out of my mind in an instant.
That evening, checking emails, I see I receive one from Tracey, “Jesus!, even if I was going to quote for the work, it wouldn’t be this quick”, I say out loud to no one.
I open the email:
Dear Carl,
After you left today, Darren was very troubled and once I forced it out of him he explained what had happened while you were surveying our house.
Firstly let me apologise for him ambushing you the way he did, he does tend to get over excited and just blurts out things without thinking 1st. I understand why you felt awkward, I did notice this as you left.
I will quite understand if you want nothing to do with our project. I do have another couple of quotes already so please don’t go out of your way to quote.
Secondly, and this is a hard one that may anger you but I have to bring up.
Ever since school I have been very close friends with Sharon.
Darren seems to think you don’t remember much or in particular, her.
Well I know that is not strictly true as I know she reached out to your 10years ago.
I see her every week, and believe me when I say this but she is broken and has been broken for years, in fact decades.
She puts on a front for anyone else that she has life under control especially career wise but she lets her guard down for me and I think that is the only thing keeping her alive.
She has clung on for years in the hope you will forgive her, life has sailed by and she has sacrificed her own happiness and, in my opinion her sanity.
There are things you obviously wouldn’t know about that have happened in her life which I would not indulge on her behalf but please know she is so consumed with shame, grief or sorrow, whatever you want to label it.
Every year on your birthday I have to go through the same process with her but each year it gets harder for both of us.
You and only you can bring her back from the brink.
Tracey.
I flump back in my chair and think about what I’ve just read.
Clicking ‘Compose’ on the screen and type in Sharon. Up comes her email address.
Subject: Hi
Message: Sharon, I forgive you, I really do.
Let’s make a new start. Would you like to meet and talk? Carl.
