Unscarred

I can't remember what I was doing when I heard ths news that my sister died. All I know is that I was desperate to wrap my head around the situation once I processed it. I was confused and lost especially because my sister was the closest to me, she was a part of me. I started wondering why she decided to make such a selfish choice.

I knew how to handle abandonment. After all, when I was six my father decided he was tired of living with us and he left. Two years later, the separation became official. I hated him, and kept hating him, and I always got annoyed anytime he called my mother to ask if my sister and I could stay with him for the holidays.

But I can't handle death. I just couldn't. For three months I had nightmares and I couldn't do anything I used to love. And then my mother started to ask people for help because she was desperate for me to be normal again.

At a point I started wondering what gave people the audacity to move on, people who called themselves my sister's friends. I wanted them to mope and cry the same way I was doing, because moving on like she was never around shouldn't have been an option.

I didn't go to school till after her funeral, and I kept getting a variety of looks from people. People who are looking for the perfect words to tell someone who heard that her sister killed herself.

After a week at school I quit volleyball and when I got back home I heard my mother talking about it to her best friend Lauren.

"Her physical education teacher called me earlier today, " she paused to stroke her teacup, "and said that she quit from the team..."

I didn't think they saw me, because they kept talking about me. I found it hypocritical though, because my mum converted her business to a fully online one just so that she won't go out much and breakdown in public.

"Mummy good afternoon ma, " I greeted her, slightly bending my knees as a sign of respect. I turned to greet Lauren too, "Aunt Laur, good afternoon ma."

"Darasimi," My mum nodded to acknowledge my greeting then continued, "Welcome, There's some rice in the pot in the kitchen for your lunch." She said, then she gave me a concerned look.

"Thank you ma." I said, truly out of appreciation but I went straight to my room. Even though I was starting to get used to the stares it was still awkward for me.

Later in the evening after I did my homework, my mother knocked on my door.

"Darasimi, you didn't eat the food I left for you." She said, instead of asking why I didn't eat, partly because she knew I had been eating only water and random leftovers ever since my sister Derin died.

"I'll eat later mummy, I'm not hungry now." I said into my pillow, hoping she wouldn't come out and ask me to eat.

There was a little silence before she said: "Anyways, Temi and Joseph are here to see you. Should I let them in?"

Temi and Joseph were my best friends. I knew Temi since we were both old enough to get our hair braided by professional hairstylists. And ever since I was old enough to go out on my own, we always went together and waited till both our hair was done before going back home together.

Meanwhile, Joseph and I met when their family moved here about six years ago. He's biracial, his father was black and his mum was white. Apparently my mum and his mum Lauren knew each other, and before we knew we were always at each other's house. Temi was roped into the friendship and before the three of us even realized it we were all best friends.

"Yes please." I replied my mother, then sat up so that they wouldn't see me at my most vulnerable. As if they hadn't before.

I remember the funeral, They both cried as much as I did. Derin was as much their sister as she was mine. And one time, when we were 12, I found out Joseph had a little crush on Derin and she was 16.

"Big head." Temi said and flopped on the bed. Joseph shook his head and relaxed on my chair opposite the bed.

"How are you doing?" Joseph asked me with concern in his voice. I told him I was doing okay, that my heart felt a little bit less torn into several pieces.

"Hey guys, do you ever get mad that nobody is still grieving Derin?" I asked them out of nowhere.

"Of course I do. Derin was the best, and then she left and one month later it's like she didn't exist at all to people." Temi said and I nodded because that was what I wanted to hear.

"Like for example I saw that girl she was always hanging out with at the mall with another girl and I was asking myself if Derin didn't exist to her." Joseph said and Temi and I agreed immediately.

I wondered if that's how death was supposed to be. Physically they were gone, and slowly they disappeared from everyone's memory. I told myself I would never let Derin leave my memories though. At least I owed her that much.