Time

Warning: Suicidal thoughts mentioned

It has been almost a year. She thought Harold’s favorite holiday would help her find her way without him. The church choir was dull in her ears without his baritone voice. She saw pieces of Harold in each of the grandchildren’s faces she visited for their lists, and shopping for presents was a constant reminder he was not there.

Lula looks at the pink dress laid out on her bed. Every time she wore it, Harold would say the same thing, “Damn woman, you make me want to be a dress.”

She sits on his side of the bed and opens the six bottles on his nightstand. She has a glass of water already waiting. Someone is banging on her front door.

When she opens the door, her granddaughter Nakisha is standing in her doorway looking at her with concern not meant for a child. Lula turns and sees Nakisha’s mother, her son-in-law, and her grandson walking up the path. Behind them are Lula’s other two children and their families.

“Sorry, Ma,” her daughter said, out of breath. “I know you wanted this weekend before Christmas to yourself, but she wouldn’t take no for an answer. I don’t know what’s wrong with her.”

Nakisha’s mother bumps her and says, “Well, hug her! You made us all come over here!”

Nakisha puts down the bag she is holding and hugs her grandmother tight. She lingers longer than a hello. She lets go but keeps her eyes on her grandmother. Lula moves to the side to let everyone in the house.

They file into the kitchen and begin unpacking the food, opening cabinets, and setting the table. Everyone but Nakisha. She puts down her bag and continues to stare at her grandmother.

Lula does not notice her granddaughter as she is thinking about her room, “You guys get everything set and I’ll be right back,” Lula says.

Lula puts her dress back in the closet, puts the caps back on the bottles, and lays them in the nightstand drawer. She sits on the bed she shared with Harold and can almost see him lying in bed in those ratty camouflage pajamas. She smiles and tears up at the same time. Nakisha appears in her peripheral vision and looks over at her granddaughter.

Nakisha comes in and closes the bedroom door. She sits next to her grandmother on the bed and holds her hand. They both sit quietly for a few seconds. Then Lula turns and her granddaughter is watching her. Nakisha puts her hand to her grandmother’s face.

“Papa says it’s not time yet.”