"The red on my jeans!"

“21st October, 2018” He began writing. His hands shivering. He continued. “This is the first time I am writing this, and I hope this will not be the last. Lately, I have been very disturbed and confused, unable to express anything to anyone. Sometimes I feel like I don’t belong where I am right now. I hate what people think of me!” He exhaled deeply thinking how lame his writing is. This was Vivian’s personal diary which had been useless until Juhi, his best friend suggested him to write away his thoughts. “Paper has more patience and understanding than people!” she had said. Vivian had thought it to be a good idea because, as less expressive as he was, he was afraid to admit the transformation that has taken place in his body. On verge of tears, he continued writing, “Since, six months I have been realising that…” he hesitated, “I hate to admit but I don’t like it that I am a guy!” he throws away the pen. Anger flushing his mind. He shuts the diary close and falls down backwards on his bed. Tears roll down his cheeks.

Sunset light was flushing in the room and painted the walls, saffron. Vivian was slouched against the wall around his window looking aimlessly at the sky. His face was pale and his dark black curly hair swayed against the evening breeze. His tired face and dark circles, and by dark, I mean really dark, black, had been screaming for help but now, they were, blank. It had been six months since he realised that he was gay. He started to find more interest in guys specially his co-worker Arjun. The more he tried to ward off the feeling, the more it haunted him. Although as simple as it looks but what does happen if all of a sudden you find yourself becoming something which you don’t want to. You find people questioning your identity. For Vivian, gone are the days when he was ‘normal’ and fitted in his friend circle. He had become very conservative in nature and very rarely talked to anyone, spent most of his time in his room. None of his friend bothered about it but there was one, Juhi. Juhi is that typical enthusiastic and lively person you have in every friend group. It would not have been less than a thousand times she had asked what was wrong with him. She just wanted to help him out as a true friend which indeed they were to each other. Sitting over there, his mind was flooded, “I am devastated! No one excepts someone like me!” “it’s a shame!”

The huge glass door of his office, slid open and Vivian entered with a pile of files. He was wearing an oversized grey t- shirt over his worn-out blue denim. He looked tired as always, thanks to all the sleepless nights full of suicidal thoughts. It was 2 pm. All of sudden, Juhi came from behind and pulled his hair in a friendly manner, he turned back and seeing him, she laughed.

“take a break dude!” she said cheerfully.

“nah… I am good” he replied. His eyes fixed on the monitor.

“you want some coffee?”

“nope, thanks!”

“did you start your diary, I told you to?”

“nope! I didn’t…. I didn’t get time” he replied awkwardly.

Juhi’s face suddenly turned red, totally disgusted with his reply “what do you mean ‘I didn’t get time’!” her voice got higher while Vivian kept glaring at his monitor. She continued, “listen Vivian, believe it or not, I know that you are struggling with something and no one can help you if you don’t help yourself!” She had been so loud that everyone in the office had started looking at them.

She took a deep breath, “we don’t want to lose you Viv, consider that!” she touched him on his shoulder and left.

Vivian doesn’t even flinch. This was not the first time Juhi had become enraged upon him. Her words echoed in his mind. It’s not that he didn’t care about her but he wasn’t sure if he should let her know. The entire day, he spent musing about it until it was time to go home. He came to the public parking but after a moment realised that there was no petrol in his bike. “Screwed again!” he thought to himself. Life is like that, when you are not right, nothing goes right! But he had to take it home anyways, so he started off, dragging it along with himself. He was only halfway until he saw Juhi dragging her scooter too along the way.

“What’s wrong?” he asked politely.

“No petrol” she smiled. “yours’s too? I guess?” saying that, she raised her eyebrows in a sassy manner.

“yes!” he smiled.

Then there was an awkward silence while they moved. After whatever that had happened at the office, both of them were too preoccupied to talk.

“so, I think I should go first” she said as if she had read his mind. “I think I became too rude to you at the office, I should not have become so...” she hesitated, “so bossy...” she finished hastily.

Vivian smiled looking her up and down, then replied “when did you become so polite?”

“The day you refused to answer my questions!” she said looking in his eyes. Dead serious. He didn’t say anything and paused for a brief moment. Suddenly, his mind started racing and he could not keep shut anymore.

“I want to tell you something!”

“what?” she said as unimpressed as forever.

“not here of course, somewhere else!” he looked here and there. The roads were empty although it was just 8 pm.

“where else? On the moon?” she asked in a sassy tone making a hand gesture of ‘what’.

They settled on a small seat in a café. The environment over there was warm and cosy. Vivian took a deep breath and started.

“In the mid-summer, I realised a strange change in my…my psychology and started to feel differently about Arjun” he brushed his hair back with his hands while she kept looking at him with a confused face.

“it had been there since day one but it was only that day, I realised it when Arjun had got drunk at your house party and I was compelled to let him stay at my place for that night!” he glanced up to catch Juhi’s reaction. She was looking up, trying to remember. His hands had already started shaking remembering that major turn in his life. He continued.

“I had, all of a sudden became very uncomfortable. That night, he had been too drunk to even walk. I had to support him as he walked, and that way I took him to my bed where he fell…”

“then?”

“then I went to bring some orange juice for him…” he stopped abruptly.

“then?” she said raising her eyebrows.

“I came in and found that he had slept, he…looked really…I..” he became hesitant, looking here and there. Trying to clear his throat, he kept mumbling with his words.

“come on, say it” she asked.

“I tried to kiss him...” saying that, he facepalmed himself. Regret, visible on his face. He became emotional.

“It was…it was a totally friendly kiss, I guess…” he clearly was, trying to contemplate everything.

Juhi smiled, she clearly had understood what his story was. His face was buried in his hands on the table. She touched him on his shoulder.

“listen, listen Viv, its okay!” she said politely trying to calm him down. His emotions exploded out.

“I couldn’t hold back. Since that day, I had already started feeling things for him and have been avoiding him ever since. I…I have become a gay!” He said in shocking tone, with a heavy voice. “I literally feel so guilty for it and how I cannot change anything about it!” he kept his head lowered. He always thought that everybody used to feel the same about trans, at least in India. He could never forget the treatment trans got. But things were different for Juhi, she was understanding.

After thinking for a moment, she tapped on his head gently, “so THIS is what you were thinking about for freaking 1 year!” she said rolling her eyes. He looked up in amazement or maybe in shock. “what? Does this not seem a problem to you?” he asked, totally cross over her reaction.

“No!” she shook her head back and forth. Her expression still not flickering.

“This does not seem a problem to me because, this, is not a problem”

“are you drunk Juhi?”

“this is normal…completely normal!”

“how? Do you know how everybody will treat me when they know? do you have any idea how badly I want to change and go back to… to the ‘normal’ me?”

“but Viv, you don’t need to change anything!”

“I knew you will not understand!” he brushed his hair back and looked away, shaking his head in annoyance,

“okay, then go. Go back to your past. Become ‘normal’” she said laughing while he sat there like a baby as if he has just realised the greatest truth about ‘origin of life and the universe’.

“you know this is impossible, right?” she asked.

“yeah!”

“you are absolutely perfect and you can love anybody in this whole freaking world!”

He smiled and nodded.

“there is more work for people than worrying about, boys kissing boys and girls kissing girls, seriously! I am pissed!” she said rolling her eyes.

“Thanks for being there. You really think that I am okay?”

“yup! I do, and I also think that you should tell everything to Arjun”

He pressed his lips together and nodded his head as if pondering about something.

“it will take me some time, you know…” he said looking at her.

She smiled in agreement. They high fived.

A sweet, elegant music was in the air. It was the New years’ party. This place was really luxurious and it was adorned with golden colour, from walls, curtains to decorations. It looked gorgeous. Everyone from the office was present over there. Vivian settled on a small seat in front of the liquor table. He ordered some wine and as he turned back, his eyes caught Arjun. He clearly was rocking the all-black dress code. Vivian had never thought that a black suit with a black shirt can look so good until then. He kept glaring at Arjun. Arjun had been talking to some other guy until he saw Vivian. He waved, “heyy Viv!” he came and sat beside him. “Two wines please!” he ordered and then turned to Vivian, “so I was thinking about the new project that had come up last week, I just wanted to tell you that I am the leader of the project…” he laughed. “yeah, I know that, I guess…” saying, Vivian scrunched his eyebrows. “oh, you know that? Good then!” “okay…” Vivian replied awkwardly. They sat silently for a minute with Vivian becoming more awkward with every passing second. As he was about to leave, the conversation started,

“what do you think of my new suit?”

“its…it is just perfect; I mean it suits you!”

“better be; it is Gucci!”

“Gucci suits you!” Vivian said smiling and tapped his shoulder. He came out of the hall, in the balcony, almost 40 ft above the ground. Cool breeze was blowing and he felt as if he had never been so calm and blissful in his entire life.

“He likes you!” a voice from behind, made him jump.

He turned back. It was Juhi.

“oh, you freaked me out!” he laughed. She came and stood beside him.

“I think you should tell him!”

“I am waiting for the right moment,”

“and when is your ‘right moment’ coming?”

“he thinks me only as a friend now,”

“he is not going to propose you anyway, you know that, right?” she raised her eyebrows.

“why are you so brutally honest all the time!” he moaned.

She laughed and hugged him. “I just want you to know the facts” she said grinning.

“agreed!” he nodded, pressing both his lips together, looking down.

The night finished with lots of hustle bustle. Vivian entered his room and back kicked to shut the door behind him. He dragged himself to the bed and fell like a dead body on it. He was looking at the fan on his ceiling. Something was in his mind. Someone. His personal diary was lying on the bed next to him. He turned over his back and took out his pen meanwhile turning its pages. Scribbled down, “I think, everything is getting better every day. The more attention he gives me, the better I feel. He has assigned all of his works to me as usual but I will do it in the best way I can. I don’t want to give him any reason to dislike me. We met at the party tonight. He seemed a gentleman as usual. His looks, killer as usual,” he thought for a second, then wrote, “he makes me happy without doing anything!”

Smiling, he closed his eyes to sleep.

The tap of the wash basin turned open with a 'creek', as warm water washed Vivian's hands. The office toilet was quite luxurious, he was glad that at least they got better toilets than their salaries. He looked at the mirror, suddenly admiring the curls which had fallen all over his face, he brushed it away with his fingers. Suddenly a familiar smell caught his attention, “Bottega Veneta” he whispered to himself.

Arjun came in. He was on his phone.