Radiant
Nothing in the world could feel oh so light as I did in this moment.
If a gust, no, a breeze slipped through the cracked open, white cased window, I might just float away with the dust. That is, if I wasn’t held down by his strong arms. There was no weight on my shoulders, my chest, my mind. I felt radiant, like the sun would appear more like a low-watt bulb in a dim room. Later, perhaps, I would sing and dance and shout my blessings into the divine universe- but right now, I couldn’t fathom being anywhere but in this bed with my soulmate sleeping soundly beside me.
I knew deep in my bones to the very center of my marrow that that was what Nick was to me. There was no other possible explanation for the way my entire being shook when he was near. No other person who made me feel as though mountains were anthills, that the sea was as terrifying as a shallow puddle, that the expanse of sky could fit into a small frame. It was him.
We lay as a tangle of bare limbs in his queen sized bed, the cramped room barely lit by the shy sun. The moments leading up to our current position could only be described as uncontainable bliss. We had been building to this scene for months since we had met at the local bookstore. I knew the minute our hands brushed reaching towards the same book, that that little storybook moment of mine would grow into so much more. We had both pulled away and flushed, apologizing profusely and then laughing together at our shared embarrassment. Soon after, our first date at a Parisian café where I knew I had to have him once he told me about his dreams of exploring the world with his golden retriever, Mina. Our second date, a picnic in the park where our first kiss was ruined by the strong winds blowing my hair into my face (we often laugh about how the romantic gesture ended with a mouthful of my strands). On and on, these past months, he was everything I had imagined, providing me with memories that rivaled all of the romantic stories I has binged in my young life. Maybe it was the exciting feelings of a honeymoon phase, but it felt practically perfect. To ask for anymore than this would be a sin of greed.
And then? Last night. By god, last night. I have to bite my lip to keep from squealing so I don’t disturb his rest. We were sat on his rugged blue couch, leaning into each other the best we could with Mina’s furry form rested in between our laps. It happened so suddenly, I thought it was a day dream. We were halfway through the movie “Castaway” when an “I love you” penetrated my ear. My head whipped towards him so fast, he probably wondered if I had broken my own neck for second. The feeling that appeared was unlike anything I felt before. I could feel every nerve, every blood cell, every microscopic atom that made up my being become overcharged, like I was about to transcend into another world entirely. A normal response may have been to respond with an “I love you too”, but my body reacted to him before my mind could. I won’t lie, because I am most definitely not ashamed, he could describe what happened after his confession as a mauling with the way that I lunged at him in animalistic passion. My arms and legs wrapped around his body as my lips devoured his and he was quick to respond. He practically jogged us into his bedroom, leaving Mina probably a bit confused, but she didn’t follow, opting to stay in her cozy spot. We shed our clothes and glued our bodies together in our familiar way. We had, of course, been through this kind of dance before and yet, with his confession rushing through my veins, I knew it wouldn’t be the same. Unfortunately, we didn’t get so far. He had grown extremely tired minutes after our bodies were bared. It was unusual, but we chalked it up to a long day, and settled for falling asleep in each others arms.
Now, I’m here. Exactly where I’m meant to be with the person I was meant to be with. I had never lost hope that a day like this would come, a perfectly perfect day where my kind, handsome, sweeter than life soulmate sweeps me off of my feet.
I remember how my mother had tried to instill her cynical nature in me when I was young. Perhaps she was always that way, or perhaps it was because my father had left before I had the chance to memorize his face. Well, left or died she wouldn’t say. Either way, it could have practically be her slogan when she told me not to connect with others- that feeling any kind of emotion would only hurt me and those around me. I didn’t listen, of course. I never stopped being the doe-eyed romantic kind of dreamer the books inspired me to be. It was foolish to think of her in this lovely moment less I try to ruin it. And yet, I can’t help it. It almost hurts to think of how wrong she was and that she didn’t have the luxury of this kind of overwhelming love to teach her so before the day she died. It could be sad that the thought of her death didn’t hurt quite so much as the thought of not being able to say “I told you so”. She may not have gotten through to me, but she certainly took her own advice and didn’t allow us to connect as mother and daughter. She did as was required of her, feeding, clothing, housing me until the day she went. But she didn’t love me, and I had long since stopped caring about loving her back. Instead, I wore my heart on my sleeve and tried to experience the joys this world had to offer. Successfully, I may add, if the gorgeous boy wrapped around me was any indication.
I turn towards him, my body tangling even further into the sheets like a skin tight strapless dress. My hand moves naturally towards his jaw, wanting to caress the soft lines the same way I had done with my lips last night. Natural. Yes, loving him was as easy and natural as blinking, no matter how scared I was to blink in the event that he disappear from my view. My breath catches as his hand rises slowly to cup mine to his face. He was so warm... maybe even too much so.
“Vila.” Nick rasps quietly, his throat not yet ready to be used. If he says my name like that again, I’ll make him finish what he started last night.
After a couple moments, the loveliest forest eyes turn to meet my own ocean blues.
“Good morning, darling,” I whisper dreamily. He doesn’t respond, just allows a sleepy grin to grace my vision, “Are you feeling any better?” I have to ask because his temperature was seemingly feverish. His hand slips from my face and moves to rub against his own.
“I’ll be alright.”
“Are you sure? I can go to the pharmacy and-” he cuts me off with a nip at the lips. I press against him, my worry melting away with me.
“I’m sure.” He smiles lazily once his lips leave mine, “though I wouldn’t mind if you got us some breakfast so we could eat in bed and do absolutely nothing today.”
The laugh flowed from me effortlessly. “A man after my own heart!”
I sit up and move to roll out of his bed, but he catches my arm. For second, he says nothing, just looks from my arm to my face and then all around the room.
“Can I just say something before you go?” Nick murmurs. My heart squeezes a little as my mind immediately thinks of the worst. I give him time to come out and say what he has to say, but it looks like his mind wandered somewhere else. With his current level of shyness, it’s not too hard to guess where he wanted the conversation to lead. I lean down to where his head still rests on his pillow and press a light kiss against his forehead.
With my lips hovering above him, I finally say, “I love you too.” He doesn’t make a single move, maybe even holding his breath. “I meant to say it back last night, I just couldn’t hold myself back very well. But I do. I love you, Nick.” My head rises back into position just in time to see a tear slide down his cheek. If it were anyone else in the world, I may have been shocked. But this is Nick, my Nick, and he has the sweetest, gentlest heart.
We stay in locked in that air, those spoken words lingering around us, taking their time to settle. Once they have, he sits up and then kisses me... and kisses me and kisses me. Our hands want to cherish the other’s body but they soon give that up for a more frenzied pace. Skin to skin, lips to lips, fingertips to, well, everywhere. The buzzing feeling of euphoria I felt last night returns with a fierceness. We can’t get enough of each other. I end up straddling his waist, gripping his wrists to securing them above his head. He doesn’t fight me, just lets me take control of the movement. My mouth moves frantically down his throat, needing to nip and suck at my love’s skin. The energy under my skin drives me. I’ve never felt so alive, so empowered by my urges. I’m tingling everywhere, like I’ve taken a feather against every nerve ending on my skin. He could be calling my name right now, but I’m so lost in the sensation I can’t hear clearly or think properly. Thoughts sprint through my mind chaotically. This feeling is a crescendo and I can feel myself reaching fortissimo. I love him and he loves me and everything in this world is right as it should be. I don’t care about anything else. If this passion can burn like a wildfire, then let me burn.
I’ll go up in ecstasy.
My hands let go of his wrists as they shift to touch the lines of his torso, and my lips return to his to continue their assault. Nick’s hands don’t move to adjust or to touch me. Actually, he doesn’t make a move to kiss me back either. My body straightens, still straddling him as my chest heaves for air. Noticing his eyes have closed, I pat his chest.
“Babe?”
No response. I shift off of him and go to shake his shoulders. I can’t believe he fell asleep while we were in the middle of making out.
“Babe, seriously, if you’re that tired you could have said so,” but now that I’m returning to my senses, my hands still on his shoulders. He’s not burning up anymore. In fact, he’s the opposite.
He’s ice cold.
“Nick?” I whisper, my heart plummeting to the floor. He’s not responding. “Nick, please, this isn’t funny.” This couldn’t be happening. My shaking hands glide towards the crook of his neck, praying to whatever in the universe might be listening. My fingers stop to feel for his heartbeat.
One second, then two and three and...
There isn’t one.
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Hi! I have never once in my life attempted to write a story before, but as an avid reader, I really wanted to give it a shot. Let me know what you think :) I’m on this journey as much as you are!
