Not all who wander are lost....

"Then I look in my heart

There's a light in the dark

Still a flicker of hope that you first gave me That I wanna keepPlease don't leave"

It was all I could ever remember, her being there for me whenever I needed her, however big or small. My Grandma, to some that is all they would have seen but to me she was so much more. Now here she was my Grandma tough as I had always remembered her, yet her frail existence now lay here in front of me. A mask it had become for so many paths that she had ventured and experienced throughout her life, a story she could tell me for every single one of them too.....

I could only every wish to lead such a life in my current time, no such adventures for me or risk taking, I was the opposite i could have been to her shy, quiet and many would call me the doormouse keeping to myself very much to myself, she would often say to me 'stop existing and live'. The thing is i would never be able to be a bold as to experience half the things she has i mean to me that could just be a day dream or me with my head stuck in a new book released in the book store where i worked.

Grandma lived her life to the max and right up until this current moment where I sat at her bedside, she lived her life the way she wanted to with literally 'no fucks' given to how and what others thought about her, she really was a rule to herself. I mean had she always had this ethos of life, id often wondered if there would be hope for me to break my current lifestyle and live like she did, carefree, happy and for the moment.

Now here I am, sat next to her bedside in the hospital, tracing my fingers across the back of her hands, feeling her aged skin that has lived and been loved. Watching as her life is slowly being fought for, leaving her, still she holds on and battles even letting me know that shes still here for me by the very slightest of gentle movements of her hand next to mine.

The room is filled with my thoughts and recalling memories running through my mind quietly, what will i do when this inspirational woman in my life is no longer here with me, with us? Who am i going to go to when i cant reason with myself, even if it was just for one of her many life quotes that she would use or google to that matter or even how she loved to get through hard times finding a song that would reflect a moment or we would dance ourselves out of the issue that i first had, yet by the end of us dancing to a Fleetwood Mac song or songs by an array of artists we end up dancing back a smile and finish with a room full of laughter.

Crying breaks my thoughts as i lift my eyes away from the gaze i have on Grandma, as i meet the blue eyes of my mothers, her eyes filled with the painful tears. Was i being selfish? after all was her mother, this great woman who to me seemed like my everything was my mum's world all she had known now for many years certainly the past 18 years since 'Pops' had passed.

" She was so proud of you, i hope you realise just how much?" Mum breaks through her tears. Mum was a little taller than me brown hair which she usually would tie up in a messy bun, she was young in appearance , i mean she was only 38 another inspiration in my life, all these strong independent women and i could only feel inside like i was a disappointment to them in my shy ways and timidness. It had only ever been me, mum and Grandma until mum met Mitch 10 years ago and i'm glad she had him and i'm glad i did too.

" She was? why i mean i could only ever dream to be anything like her, all she has lived through and experienced, my life could not be any more opposite to hers if i tried"

" Oh Aoibhe, she may have had her adventures and lets face it we all know how she definitely lived life to the fullest she could possibly manage, however she didn't have positives all the time, she just chose to share the positives and kept all those times where she was sad, frightened and confused. You don't get to live all these memory making moments that she shared with you without having experienced some dark times and heartache. Times where her heart felt like crumbling but she pieced that heart back together with sheer stubborn determination".

I sat there listening, realising Mum was so right, she had shared so many years with this lady and i'm sure has been part of many of her memories too. I'm here thinking of all the stories that she had spoken so fondly of yet, Mums words were right it was almost too much of a happy ever after without the sadness thrown in.

" I just need to go and speak to the doctor, i wont be long" mum placed her hand on my shoulder as she went to exit Grandmas room. I look at her giving a slight smile and nod before returning my gaze to Grandma, feeling her fingers moving slightly under mine as the sound of the door closing echoed in the room.

I close my eyes lost in the thoughts of our conversation, " she is right my dear" I open my eyes quickly looking at her lips barely moving, yet i swear i am not imagining that i heard her speak out to me. " Grandma, hey, i mean do you need anything? a sip of water?" Grandmas eye flutter open and a frail smile peeks upon her face. " I would rather have a Gin or half a Guinness, purely medicinal of course" a smile now lighting up her face. "I'm sure if you close you eyes and imagine it will taste just as you imagine" I give out a giggle holding the bottle of water with the paper straw towards her lips for her to take a sip.

Grandma was probably a similar height to myself id say about 5'7 and actually had a similar build too, she would always joke that our curves were always right in the places they should be. Her hair was now grey and short she decided a few year ago that it was time to cut off her medium length hair to not age her even more than she was. Now here she lay propped up slightly with her emerald green nightdress in this hospital bed.

" My girl, you must promise me, that no matter what happens, however hard your life feels or gets for that matter, there is always a new path that you can take, new doors that will open and bring new opportunities. Remember what i used to say 'think of how a butterfly takes risks, yet they live for only a short time' No chance is worth missing out on, all you will miss out on is time, its so precious"

I listen to her how her wise tongue speak with such care yet seems so quiet and weak. " I'll try Grandma"

"You'll do no such thing, you will live and you need to know that no matter what happens i will always be here for you, there will always be a song, a memory or something that makes you know, i'm always going to be there with you Aoibhe in this form or in my next"

Grandma was always the one to tell me that no matter how your emotions made you feel there was always the a song that in just that brief moment of time took you back to the first time you ever heard it.

" Can you just pass me that leather pouch in the top of the bag please" Grandma lifts her left hand slightly pointing to her very well loved yet surprisingly tough looking green backpack, this bag literally went where ever she was, i had never known her without it if i was honest. I let go of her hand reluctantly, stand and walk the short distance to the opposite side of the bad where she lies. On reaching the bag, there it a a worn looking old leather pouch again clearly that has lived as much as Grandma.

" That's it dear, bring it to me, over here" a small smile lit up on her face again. As i reach the bed Grandma almost with a tone of excitement in her voice " open it , open it" a light fills her eyes one that i don't recall seeing for days now since we've been in here " take it out " I open up the leather pouch focusing on Grandmas expression in awe of the spark in her eyes that now fill them. Reaching in with two fingers i pull out two necklaces chains on each two pendants. The Chains were long in length i imagine they would fall mid chest in length. I hold them in my hand " This one, she points to the circular pendant, that one the other can go back in there for now, its this one i want to show you" I place the one pendant back in the pouch like she asks and keep hold of the circular one , which i notice by now is a beautiful compass.

Grandma holds her left hand open and i place the pendant in her open hand, she looks fondly at it in awe of it "Read this to me please....." I watch her replaying in my head how she looks full of life in her eyes, they look longingly at the inscription with a fondness I have never seen in her before this moment. I lean forward and notice the details on the compass elegant around the perimeter of it are 7 words. Six all together and one positioned at the very top above the north marker, separated by two engraved hearts.

Not All Who Wander Are Lost *Home*

" Not all who wander are lost, Grandma you've always said these words to me"

" Turn it over dear, keep reading" her eyes locked on mine, full of happiness yet at the same time filled to the brim with tears like she is stopping them falling. I turn over the Compass and on the back is an inscription it reads:

' Always know, love will always find its way

My heart is a compass and you'll always be my home'

x C x

I look at her as a tear falls down her cheek. Just the one which she smiles at as she wipes it away thinking i hadn't noticed. "Its true a compass will always guide you, yet without your heart as well you will never find your way. Life is for living, come closer here to me" I step closer to her, she lifts up her hand holding the locket and places it on my heart " Feel that? That's called purpose, You are alive for a reason, never give up" I lean into her embracing her into a hug sliding my arms around her frame. I let my silent tears fall onto her shoulder " You promise me one thing, you'll chase the dreams, you will grab any opportunity that you are offered and you live" she whispers this sentence into my ear i can her how heartfelt the words are and i know she has tears too, i don't look though as i know that this is a moment of purity and for us to remember.

Mum returns to the room as as she enters she looks at us both with happy eyes locking in the image that she is witnessing, almost making sure that brief moment is captured like a mental photo to treasure.

" Oh hey, right i just need to pop to the bathroom, erm I'll just pop this back in here Grandma" I pick up the leather pouch

"No, its yours now, you put it on and hold it next to your heart, it will guide you, it worked for me, remember what you promised and i'll keep my part " she quietly laughs to herself. A little shocked i place the necklace around my neck, i lean forward and hug her like i know this was her way of giving me a piece of her, that this was what she wanted, me to keep the promise that she asked of me. " I promise Grandma, I will try to for you" i whisper into her ear as i lean into her. " No, my dear, for US, first for yourself and then for me" She speaks strongly definitely as though to make a point of me ensuring i will stand by my word. With these words being said i smile to her as i walk away from her bedside to exit the room. I meet mums gaze at the end of the bed and she places her hand on my shoulder and smiles at me " All part of her plan Aoibhe" Mum says her words spoken gently. I exit the room.

I walk down the corridor until i don't know whether physically or emotionally i stop and turn so my back falls slowly down the wall, i bring my knees up to my chest as i break into an uncontrollable cry. This was so hard, I cannot keep going not without her, not yet and as for a promise how, i mean i don't even know what to do, how can I keep my words when i live the life i do. I'm not brave and bold like she is and was, i'm 19 year old Aoibhe, part time book shop worker, no friends just living, existing in a simple life.

Before i know it my cries are interrupted by the movement of people all rushing into her room, Whats happening? I get up off the floor my face still wet with the tears I've cried, i run to her room, until i get to the open doorway, i meet my mums eyes her tears falling like a waterfall like mine. My eyes dart to Grandma in the bed, now laying flat on the bed the machine lets out a flat bleep that is continuous, the green line on the machine now a flat line, the doctors pulling up her sheet over her entire frame. "NO, NO not yet, it isn't her time yet , it can't be, we haven't finished " I fall to my knees, placing my hands over my face. Reality was my most feared thought, the thing I feared the most had happened right here in front of me and was now a reality. My best of friend, the oracle of my life was gone, i still had so many questions, i still had so many stories to hear, i still needed her.

All that i could here now was my aching heart, my Mums lost tears and mine as i felt mums arms wrap around me into an embrace........

"She really will always be there for you Aoibhe, she'll guide you, she was so proud of you she told me about your promise, that really made her proud, it filled her heart again and was one of the last things she heard just think how happy that made her. Knowing the journey you will take will be her last wish and one that she will be with you all the way"

As I listen to Mums words as we sit on that floor hugging everything just hits me how was i going to keep such a promise, a promise to someone who held on to them words until she past, knowing that i feel more lost now than i ever have done before in my entire life...........

It was all i could ever remember, her being there for me whenever i needed her, however big or small. My Grandma, to some that is all they would have seen but to me she was so much more. Now here she was my Grandma tough as i had always remembered her, yet her frail existence now lay here in front of me. A mask it had become for so many paths that she had ventured and experienced throughout her life, a story she could tell me for every single one of them too.....

I could only every wish to lead such a life in my current time, no such adventures for me or risk taking, I was the opposite i could have been to her shy, quiet and many would call me the doormouse keeping to myself very much to myself, she would often say to me 'stop existing and live'. The thing is i would never be able to be a bold as to experience half the things she has i mean to me that could just be a day dream or me with my head stuck in a new book released in the book store where i worked.

Grandma lived her life to the max and right up until this current moment where I sat at her bedside, she lived her life the way she wanted to with literally 'no fucks' given to how and what others thought about her, she really was a rule to herself. I mean had she always had this ethos of life, id often wondered if there would be hope for me to break my current lifestyle and live like she did, carefree, happy and for the moment.

Now here I am, sat next to her bedside in the hospital, tracing my fingers across the back of her hands, feeling her aged skin that has lived and been loved. Watching as her life is slowly being fought for, leaving her, still she holds on and battles even letting me know that shes still here for me by the very slightest of gentle movements of her hand next to mine.

The room is filled with my thoughts and recalling memories running through my mind quietly, what will i do when this inspirational woman in my life is no longer here with me, with us? Who am i going to go to when i cant reason with myself, even if it was just for one of her many life quotes that she would use or google to that matter or even how she loved to get through hard times finding a song that would reflect a moment or we would dance ourselves out of the issue that i first had, yet by the end of us dancing to a Fleetwood Mac song or songs by an array of artists we end up dancing back a smile and finish with a room full of laughter.

Crying breaks my thoughts as i lift my eyes away from the gaze i have on Grandma, as i meet the blue eyes of my mothers, her eyes filled with the painful tears. Was i being selfish? after all was her mother, this great woman who to me seemed like my everything was my mum's world all she had known now for many years certainly the past 18 years since 'Pops' had passed.

" She was so proud of you, i hope you realise just how much?" Mum breaks through her tears. Mum was a little taller than me brown hair which she usually would tie up in a messy bun, she was young in appearance , i mean she was only 38 another inspiration in my life, all these strong independent women and i could only feel inside like i was a disappointment to them in my shy ways and timidness. It had only ever been me, mum and Grandma until mum met Mitch 10 years ago and i'm glad she had him and i'm glad i did too.

" She was? why i mean i could only ever dream to be anything like her, all she has lived through and experienced, my life could not be any more opposite to hers if i tried"

" Oh Aoibhe, she may have had her adventures and lets face it we all know how she definitely lived life to the fullest she could possibly manage, however she didn't have positives all the time, she just chose to share the positives and kept all those times where she was sad, frightened and confused. You don't get to live all these memory making moments that she shared with you without having experienced some dark times and heartache. Times where her heart felt like crumbling but she pieced that heart back together with sheer stubborn determination".

I sat there listening, realising Mum was so right, she had shared so many years with this lady and i'm sure has been part of many of her memories too. I'm here thinking of all the stories that she had spoken so fondly of yet, Mums words were right it was almost too much of a happy ever after without the sadness thrown in.

" I just need to go and speak to the doctor, i wont be long" mum placed her hand on my shoulder as she went to exit Grandmas room. I look at her giving a slight smile and nod before returning my gaze to Grandma, feeling her fingers moving slightly under mine as the sound of the door closing echoed in the room.

I close my eyes lost in the thoughts of our conversation, " she is right my dear" I open my eyes quickly looking at her lips barely moving, yet i swear i am not imagining that i heard her speak out to me. " Grandma, hey, i mean do you need anything? a sip of water?" Grandmas eye flutter open and a frail smile peeks upon her face. " I would rather have a Gin or half a Guinness, purely medicinal of course" a smile now lighting up her face. "I'm sure if you close you eyes and imagine it will taste just as you imagine" I give out a giggle holding the bottle of water with the paper straw towards her lips for her to take a sip.

Grandma was probably a similar height to myself id say about 5'7 and actually had a similar build too, she would always joke that our curves were always right in the places they should be. Her hair was now grey and short she decided a few year ago that it was time to cut off her medium length hair to not age her even more than she was. Now here she lay propped up slightly with her emerald green nightdress in this hospital bed.

" My girl, you must promise me, that no matter what happens, however hard your life feels or gets for that matter, there is always a new path that you can take, new doors that will open and bring new opportunities. Remember what i used to say 'think of how a butterfly takes risks, yet they live for only a short time' No chance is worth missing out on, all you will miss out on is time, its so precious"

I listen to her how her wise tongue speak with such care yet seems so quiet and weak. " I'll try Grandma"

"You'll do no such thing, you will live and you need to know that no matter what happens i will always be here for you, there will always be a song, a memory or something that makes you know, i'm always going to be there with you Aoibhe in this form or in my next"

Grandma was always the one to tell me that no matter how your emotions made you feel there was always the a song that in just that brief moment of time took you back to the first time you ever heard it.

" Can you just pass me that leather pouch in the top of the bag please" Grandma lifts her left hand slightly pointing to her very well loved yet surprisingly tough looking green backpack, this bag literally went where ever she was, i had never known her without it if i was honest. I let go of her hand reluctantly, stand and walk the short distance to the opposite side of the bad where she lies. On reaching the bag, there it a a worn looking old leather pouch again clearly that has lived as much as Grandma.

" That's it dear, bring it to me, over here" a small smile lit up on her face again. As i reach the bed Grandma almost with a tone of excitement in her voice " open it , open it" a light fills her eyes one that i don't recall seeing for days now since we've been in here " take it out " I open up the leather pouch focusing on Grandmas expression in awe of the spark in her eyes that now fill them. Reaching in with two fingers i pull out two necklaces chains on each two pendants. The Chains were long in length i imagine they would fall mid chest in length. I hold them in my hand " This one, she points to the circular pendant, that one the other can go back in there for now, its this one i want to show you" I place the one pendant back in the pouch like she asks and keep hold of the circular one , which i notice by now is a beautiful compass.

Grandma holds her left hand open and i place the pendant in her open hand, she looks fondly at it in awe of it "Read this to me please....." I watch her replaying in my head how she looks full of life in her eyes, they look longingly at the inscription with a fondness I have never seen in her before this moment. I lean forward and notice the details on the compass elegant around the perimeter of it are 7 words. Six all together and one positioned at the very top above the north marker, separated by two engraved hearts.

Not All Who Wander Are Lost *Home*

" Not all who wander are lost, Grandma you've always said these words to me"

" Turn it over dear, keep reading" her eyes locked on mine, full of happiness yet at the same time filled to the brim with tears like she is stopping them falling. I turn over the Compass and on the back is an inscription it reads:

' Always know, love will always find its way

My heart is a compass and you'll always be my home'

x C x

I look at her as a tear falls down her cheek. Just the one which she smiles at as she wipes it away thinking i hadn't noticed. "Its true a compass will always guide you, yet without your heart as well you will never find your way. Life is for living, come closer here to me" I step closer to her, she lifts up her hand holding the locket and places it on my heart " Feel that? That's called purpose, You are alive for a reason, never give up" I lean into her embracing her into a hug sliding my arms around her frame. I let my silent tears fall onto her shoulder " You promise me one thing, you'll chase the dreams, you will grab any opportunity that you are offered and you live" she whispers this sentence into my ear i can her how heartfelt the words are and i know she has tears too, i don't look though as i know that this is a moment of purity and for us to remember.

Mum returns to the room as as she enters she looks at us both with happy eyes locking in the image that she is witnessing, almost making sure that brief moment is captured like a mental photo to treasure.

" Oh hey, right i just need to pop to the bathroom, erm I'll just pop this back in here Grandma" I pick up the leather pouch

"No, its yours now, you put it on and hold it next to your heart, it will guide you, it worked for me, remember what you promised and i'll keep my part " she quietly laughs to herself. A little shocked i place the necklace around my neck, i lean forward and hug her like i know this was her way of giving me a piece of her, that this was what she wanted, me to keep the promise that she asked of me. " I promise Grandma, I will try to for you" i whisper into her ear as i lean into her. " No, my dear, for US, first for yourself and then for me" She speaks strongly definitely as though to make a point of me ensuring i will stand by my word. With these words being said i smile to her as i walk away from her bedside to exit the room. I meet mums gaze at the end of the bed and she places her hand on my shoulder and smiles at me " All part of her plan Aoibhe" Mum says her words spoken gently. I exit the room.

I walk down the corridor until i don't know whether physically or emotionally i stop and turn so my back falls slowly down the wall, i bring my knees up to my chest as i break into an uncontrollable cry. This was so hard, I cannot keep going not without her, not yet and as for a promise how, i mean i don't even know what to do, how can I keep my words when i live the life i do. I'm not brave and bold like she is and was, i'm 19 year old Aoibhe, part time book shop worker, no friends just living, existing in a simple life.

Before i know it my cries are interrupted by the movement of people all rushing into her room, Whats happening? I get up off the floor my face still wet with the tears I've cried, i run to her room, until i get to the open doorway, i meet my mums eyes her tears falling like a waterfall like mine. My eyes dart to Grandma in the bed, now laying flat on the bed the machine lets out a flat bleep that is continuous, the green line on the machine now a flat line, the doctors pulling up her sheet over her entire frame. "NO, NO not yet, it isn't her time yet , it can't be, we haven't finished " I fall to my knees, placing my hands over my face. Reality was my most feared thought, the thing I feared the most had happened right here in front of me and was now a reality. My best of friend, the oracle of my life was gone, i still had so many questions, i still had so many stories to hear, i still needed her.

All that i could here now was my aching heart, my Mums lost tears and mine as i felt mums arms wrap around me into an embrace........

"She really will always be there for you Aoibhe, she'll guide you, she was so proud of you she told me about your promise, that really made her proud, it filled her heart again and was one of the last things she heard just think how happy that made her. Knowing the journey you will take will be her last wish and one that she will be with you all the way"

As I listen to Mums words as we sit on that floor hugging everything just hits me how was i going to keep such a promise, a promise to someone who held on to them words until she past, knowing that i feel more lost now than i ever have done before in my entire life...........