1. Who Is Eli James
"Eli, are you still taking what was prescribed?"
A forced smile made its way onto the males face. It was convincing, scarily so, even scarier that his therapist had believed it.
"Yes, Dr. Sean. I am still taking them as directed, I thought we already went over that?"
The lady, Dr. Sean had been Eli's therapist for as long as he could remember. A tall woman who was still rather young. Her eyes were a bright green and her hair was straightened as usual. The black strands falling in front of her face gracefully. In all honesty she could obviously be a model. Eli wondered why she had decided to be here- with him, talking about why we 'shouldn't' kill ourselves. It was a joke really, well a joke to Eli. To Mrs. Sean, it was... how had she put it? Oh yeah a "very serious matter" Eli thought she should really lighten up but then again to everyone else, suicidal jokes were very unnatural as well as worrisome.
"Ah yes, I must've forgotten. Your parents tell me you've been looking and seeming to be a lot better. Any reason for that?" She spoke so lightly and it made Eli want to fall asleep right then and there. Along with her voice, he had missed out on three hours of sleep last night. That could also be playing a role in his drowsiness but Eli would rather not tell her that he wasn't sleeping. With more problems came more pills. He's rather not be anymore of a walking pharmacy than he already was.
"Not that anything comes to mind. I mean I guess the antidepressants help in a way? I feel more open to doing my work, less like I need to cry which is always good. Oh and I've been going out more." Eli didn't need to look to feel her smile. With just those words she was already beaming with relief.
Ha, if only she knew
. "That's really good, I'm glad they're working, have you spoken to Dr. Kim yet?" Eli shook his head slightly looking over to her calmly. "Nope, I'm going to have an appointment with him tomorrow." The words seemed to be exactly what she had wanted to hear if her pleased hum was anything to go by.
"That's great, is there any concern or have we covered everything?" She seems more than willing to speak more but Eli was already up ready to leave the room. "No that's all, I would tell you if anything more serious happened but other than school drama there's not much to say." Mrs. Sean smiled happily, nodding him off.
As soon as he stepped out a deep sigh left his mouth. A smile falling into it's comfortable frown. If pretending to be fine was normally a challenge, one could only imagine what it was like when dealing with a paid professional, someone whose job was to tell when a person wasn’t fine.
Bidding a farewell to the familiar man at the front desk Eli made his way out to the parking lot. His mom was waiting in the car as normally, she hadn't really trusted him to drive anymore, apparently making a joke about driving off a cliff wasn't the best choice. Don't misunderstand, Eli loved his parents, there was a lot to love. His mom was a teacher. Thankfully not a highschool teacher (he'd rather not have to see her in school as well as home), she preferred working with smaller kids so being a preschool teacher was perfect for her. His dad was a smart man, an engineer, don't ask what kind, Eli doesn't know the answer either. Both of his parents came from well off families and that had trickled down to them.
As one could guess they weren't too familiar with mental health, or anything close to it. So when it came to their sons well being, they made sure to take extra precaution. It was annoying at times but Eli knew they meant well so he wasn't exactly one to complain.
“Hey, how was it?” Eli gave her a quick smile leaning back into the seat. “As usual, fine. How was work?” if there was one way to distract his mother, it was asking about her day. Apparently toddlers were a handful. Eli naturally didn't really know to what extent, he also really didn't care too much for children, but if it got his mom to leave him alone, well then listening to the tantrum stories was more than worth it.
It had not taken them long to get home, which Eli was more than grateful for, he was so tired already. If there was one thing he still hasn't got accustomed to, it was tiredness. No one talks about it much but depression isn't just a mentally tired thing, it's a physical thing too. When your body feels like it weighs a thousand bricks, moving can be a challenge.
Since no one else seemed to be home and before his mom could sucker him into mother-son bonding, Eli practically sprinted to his room. The blinds were all closed and his room was a lot more messier than it should be, normally he would have been ready to clean it up, but that meant work, and work meant to physically do things, and that sounded
dreadful
. So like any other day, Eli laid back in bed.
It wasn't smart, being alone in a quiet room when one's mind is constantly running a mile a minute, but it wasn't like the thoughts would quiet down if he were to be anywhere else. As strange as it sounded the quiet brought him comfort even if his mind refused to leave him be.
Death isn't something to be taken lightly, and yet it's so normalized that Eli can’t see why his thoughts are so wrong. It's such a simple solution. One that wouldn't take much thought. He knows it's wrong, a seventeen year old should not be so ready to end their life, especially when it hasn't even really begun. Maybe those people are right in a way, but maybe that's also because they don't understand. If someone was to ask him what he wanted to be, what his plans are, they would be met with silence.
Two more months.
He wanted to be dead.
