I love you

No...

Allow me to elaborate.

Love can happen when you least expect it. When it is least expected, it’s the best thing that could have ever happened. It’s a big whirlwind of emotions but it’s a gentle experience. You feel safe in that whirlwind and alongside you is your partner. You’re both experiencing it in your own way, but you share that experience.

The way I shared mine? Well...

Me and my boyfriend immediately became a couple from the moment we first met.

It was a late night on Omegle and suddenly we were in a chatroom with eachother. As the conversation went on, we just clicked. But there was a dificulty, I was in the middle of a Paradigm shift. My world view got challenged and was about to change forever. And I was in the middle of processing that. He didn’t really notice but when I compare my relationship him now, it is wayyy better then back then. I was experiencing the shift from being a child to becoming an adult. I was a little hard to handle and some views were not right. Some of those views are still being worked on to this day, but some have already shifted for the better thanks to my boyfriend. We both helped eachother in one way or another to become a better person. It was quite healthy, but it could’ve been healthier.

After we met on Omegle and continued talking on Instagram, it was more me giving and not recieving. Ok, I was a bit rushy back then because I was head over heels with this stranger, but even when we knew eachother better, it felt like I was giving more then I should. I talked about it with him and he did ask me what I could do to fix it. The answer was easy, I wanted more quality time. He gave me all the sparse time he got, but it wasn’t quality. I don’t really remember much from back then. Of course we had plans and our own lives, but I wanted to share mine with his. It felt like I wasn’t experiencing the whirlwind with him. Soon I came to find out why.

He found another whirlwind. With someone else.

But let me explain the whole situation.

He and I are quite the opposite from eachother. He was the nice guy who likes parties, I was the crazy girl that was an introvert. It’s eaier for him to socialize with others, I get major social anxiety. He studies sciences, I study art. We do have common interests like music and games, but with life goals, it’s another story. Currently we support eachother to the fullest and try to help eachother succed. But before that we were a bit sceptical about the goals. He had no interest in art and if I would talk about that, he would be bored. If he talked about science, I wouldn’t be able to get any of it because I was never really good at studying science. I have basic knowledge but not enough to understand what he goes through.

Because of this, there was some kind of rift between us in the beginning, and I felt it growing bigger when he noticed another whirlwind and wanted to join that one. The other whirlwind was the typical girl of his tastes. Long hair, smart, kind and sweet. Pretty and cares about looks. And all the same intrests as him. He was drawn to her and she was drawn to him.

In the end, he cheated on me. Trying to get a relationship with that girl and slowly break things off with me.

I grieved alot because I loved him. As grieve is a result of losing something you loved.

The worst thing was he wanted to keep me as a friend because I meant alot to him. I didn’t believe him at first but then, I suddenly did. And I grabbed onto that silver string of hope he gave me. Hope that he would come back to me. If it was a mistake, I don’t know... it did cause alot of heartbreak. But oh how Karma came back to slap him in the face, I was able to get some revenge.

The girl apparently broke up with him 2 weeks after we broke things off. He was heartbroken and looked for comfort here with me. I first of all gave him a good preach. I lashed out at him and was able to share all of my pain with him and pretty much spit in his face. He was torn by it. He felt horrible. After lashing out, I did help him out with his breakup because as a girl with 2 exes and a terrible toxic breakup with the first ex, I knew how much support someone neededin those times. I wanted to support him because I don’t wish the pain he experienced to anyone. Again, I loved him and I still felt love for him. So I started helping him and supporting him. Soon he wanted to go back to me again and tried to convince me over and over again. Yea, he sexually harassed me while I was still trying to recover from the pain he caused me. But he did all that because he was mentally declining. He started having suicidal thoughts.

I think it was then, I gave him a true chance to earn my love again.

We were both very wounded soldiers on the battlefield of love and I tried to help him but forgot to put my needs first. I had to leave him, block him, and give him advice on everything before I left him. I also told him if he ever felt suicidal again, to call my personal number immediately and tell me everything that’s going on. Luckely he never had to do that. But he did save my number.

Few weeks pass by, I tried my best moving on, but I was so worried about him. I decided to unblock him for a bit just to check up on him. He was doing ok because he knew the reason why the girl broke up. He found it stupid and didn’t spend further time with her. I was happy to hear all that and that silver string of hope where he could come back to me, was there again. I was glad he was doing ok and I was glad that the little string was back. Even though I was crushing on someone else, he knows me best. And soon, he only wanted the best for me.

We continued talking as good friends for a solid month. It was enough time to reconnect and to heal from that. He helped me and I helped him. Soon my crush shifted back to him and he was finally giving love to me back.

The moment he explained how much he missed me and rather was with me was the drop that made me go back to him.

Was it a good decicion?

What do you think? We’re better then ever and been a great couple for 5 months already. We always give eachother something. Our relationship is very 50/50. Even though it’s sometimes a bit off, the other always does something to compensate. Our communication is better, the trust we have in eachother is off the charts, the romance and passion for eachother is everywhere. And when we first met eachother in real life, I knew it was the best thing that could ever happen to me. We both said “I love you” to eachother and have shown that we love eahother many times.

Will people say I made the wrong choice? Yea.

Do I regret the choice of going back to him? Hell no.

I love him so much. So much I am ready to say yes when he proposes to me whenever he wants! I want to support him as much as he supports me, I want to be there for him just as much as he’s there for me, I want to share my life with him just like he’s sharing his with me. Say what you want about us, you’re just jealous that you don’t have this healthy dynamic of mutual trust and love in your relationship!