Steven's Book

“His vision was almost blurry now. With each dying breath he is running..running for his life which is about to end. This is it he is telling himself. Anthony’s legs finally gave in and he lay there lying on the field, covered in blood and clutching his chest. They say when you are dying you think about your life.. and he was, he was thinking about HER.”

The room which was dead silent a minute ago was now roaring in applause. I could see few teary eyed people looking at Steven with awe. Here I am again at another bookstore listening to Steven read his bestseller. I could see it in his eyes how wonderful he feels each time people praise him for his story. He is standing on a little stage as he turns sideways to smile at me. This takes me back to the first time we heard about it.

“What do you mean they are calling you?” I ask putting down my half drank coffee. It is too early for me to be cheerful in the day.

“They want me to come and read a chapter or two from my book to an audience”, says Steven smiling at me. I can’t believe this is finally happening. How long have I waited for this...this...“, .

" You sure are out of words for a writer. Oh I am just joking. I am so happy for you baby, you deserve this. You did well”, I said as I kissed him.

It is now our fifth bookstore visit or maybe sixth. I try to stand away from everyone’s view. Letting my man enjoy his moment. They always assume Steven has portrayed us as the couple in his book. When somebody asked him about it he smiled and looked away but answered that he was indeed talking about his wife. I just can’t shake the feeling that he is lying. I always talk myself out of it. He is a writer, it’s okay if he is picturing a made up women. And he may not like to admit it when I am standing right there. After this I have read his description of the woman in the story time and time again. Now I remember them by heart.

" When the sun shines in her eyes, her whole face becomes breath taking. Every kiss on her body, every touch makes Anthony feel truly alive. Her rosy lips...”

No. He won’t do that. I am reading too much into this or has my husband been writing about another woman? Someone very real.

When you start suspecting your partner you would take note of almost everything they do. Just like I started seeing the worry behind his smiles. He would jump up every time the phone rings. I thought it was excitement but now I sense it is not. Those sleepless nights before he finished his book, long hours spent shut in his work space. Late night drives where he said he just wants to clear his head for some fresh ideas. Can this really be happening? The time I went on vacation with my friends and he stayed here. Was he making the same mistake I did back then? I keep telling myself that I am a horrible person for doing that to Steven but in fact he could have done worse. I believe the magic does fade away.

We are sitting together watching TV, having dinner. I feel this heaviness in my chest. I should just say it out loud. Steven...what I did was a one-time thing and had never happened again but you wrote a fucking book about her! As if he heard it and turned to me asking if I am okay. Oh you have no idea! That night I joined the club of sleeplessness and surprisingly Steven was snoring peacefully beside me. The following morning, I woke up to a sad news.

" Oh no did you hear? Professor Hill passed away. It’s terrible he was not that old.” Steven didn’t answer me back. He must be in shock; Patrick Hill was like a mentor to him. Despite me being suspicious of him, I couldn’t help but feel sad for him. “We should go and pay our respects’, I continued.

“No” he responded almost immediately. “I can’t...”

’Steven I know it hurts but you would regret it if you didn’t see him one last time.” I tried to convince him and it took a lot. I don’t understand why doesn’t he want to go to the funeral? What is this behaviour that I am unable to put a label on? Some weird response to grief?

We went to the funeral anyway. So many people came, his students, fellow professors, neighbors. It was so moving to see one person respected by so many. I remember how he travelled for almost a whole day but made it to our wedding. Oh and that incredible speech he gave. It still makes me smile. I am looking around the crowded room for Steven but I can’t seem to find him. I am searching for him but I ended up finding someone else. Across the room I see her, she is holding Patrick’s picture in her hand, taking little sobs. I know her. I don’t know when I started walking towards her without moving my gaze.

‘Whenever I see her this empty heart seems to be beating again. I take her soft hands in mine and in that moment I feel that I could spend a lifetime loving her, kissing her, touching her...’

She came right out of Steven’s book and is now in front of me.

“Hello”, I managed to say somehow. “I am Ester. Steven Page’s wife. I am sorry for your loss”

She looked up at me and responded politely. “Thank you, I am Irene.”

“Irene. How did you know Patrick?” I asked still not removing my stare.

“We were neighbors but somehow we grew more than that. He was such a special soul and I can’t believe that he is gone..” Irene started sobbing again and now I feel truly awkward. Is this why Steven was so adamant of coming to the funeral, because he knows she lives here. But she seems more disturbed about the professor and she didn’t really give a reaction when I mentioned I am Steven’s wife. Is she not the woman from the book then? But she must be, I know it in my heart it’s her! All of this is just too much. This room is crowded, I can’t find Steven, I keep looking at Irene...I can’t breathe. I need to get out of here. I leave Irene crying alone and make my way to the car. Deep breaths Ester. I suddenly feel Steven’s hands on my shoulder, he is looking at me with concern.

“Take me home”

I could feel him looking at me again and again throughout the car ride but I don’t know what I am feeling. I feel guilty of cheating on Steven, I feel angry that he cheated on me, I am confused thinking about Irene, I just don’t know. We reach home and I quickly get out. I am in the kitchen drinking water trying to calm myself. Steven is coming behind me.

“Ester.. tell me what is happening to you?”

“Ester!!..”

He keeps repeating my name until I meet his eye and just blurt it out, “I know what you did Steven. I know what you did!”

Now I could truly see the horror on his face. He fell silent and collapsed into the sofa. He started speaking as though he is talking to himself. ” I...I didn’t know what I was doing. I never thought I will really take it this far.”

And there it is. I suddenly feel calm because that stress over my head is gone. I was right.

“I betrayed him Ester. You are right I did it”

Huh?

I sense that I should not say anything and just let him continue to talk.

“I went to see Patrick some time ago. He told me he was dying. He gave me his half written book. I spent hours studying those characters and trying to stay true to his words. He wanted me to finish it for him and put both our names in but I only put mine. What have I done Ester...it was his last wish and l...I was just so selfish.” He kept talking looking ahead with tears in his eyes.

“You know the worst part...he must have known the book came out with only my name on it, but he didn’t do anything about it. I could never talk to him again. He died knowing that I betrayed him. My mentor...”

Steven was now on his knees with his head in his arms, crying uncontrollably. Turns out my husband did cheat. But not the way I thought and not like I had. I kneel down next to him and put my arms around him. I finally understand everything. All that feelings from before are gone. I just see my man lying broken on the ground. And I will pick you up baby.

“He didn’t say anything because he forgave you”

Steven looked up at me. He buried his crying face in my arms and we sat there on the floor of our living room.

We were just sitting there soaking in guilt. But we had each other. When I look back at this moment I don’t think what brought us here. I just see my life... I see HIM.