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"Hey you! Yes you! Doesn't work suck? Then you have to come home to a dirty house, empty fridge, and Samantha who left four years ago and you need to let go? Well worry not! The geniuses at Al Azif have done it again! Introducing: the Slimes! They do everything you want them to do: file those taxes you've evaded, go to the store, cook tv dinners, are better pets than a dog, will eat virtually anything, and even fix your broken marriage! Maybe! Specially manufactured with love, care, and the essence of a destructive deity, they can do everything a human can and more. Available in red, blue, purple, green, and the limited edition white! Pay an extra fee and you'll be the first in line to receive our prototype variants, like the illustrious Bubble Slime, for washing those dishes when the kids don't feel like it and your couch is just too comfy. This deal is only available for a limited time, so don't miss out! It's only three hundred dollars, yes that's right, less than an entire car! It's practically a steal that you won't get charged for, so what are you waiting for? Call the number down below or stay a schmuck! And remember Al Azif: Knowledge For a Better Tomorrow."

Ted leaned back in his chair after clicking the tv off. Better than a human, huh? It had been lonely since she left, and his house was bigger than what he needed. Maybe it was time to buy one of those animals? The ads played on practically every channel, and he was tired of being called a schmuck. Ted stood up, adjusted his plain white tee, and stretched. He paced around his kitchen while the phone dialed, and his fingers fidgeted against the case. Were the walls cleaned off? What if they forced an inspection and saw all the pizza boxes stacked up in his room? Wait, the entire point was for the slime to clean it up, so that just meant he was getting more bang for his buck.

"Hello? I wanted to place an order," Ted said while he fidgeted with his counter plants and drying dishes.

"Ah, another customer! Watched the ads did you? Well, everything you've heard is 100% true!" The voice said with a disturbing amount of cheerfulness. Ted hadn't even asked about the ads.

"Well, yeah actually. They seemed pretty convenient, and I'm allergic to dogs." Ted absentmindedly wandered around his house. Having a pet trained his brain to find loopholes that animals could abuse. Would the slime even be that smart?

"Let's see...all I need is the address and preference of color, then we can set you up for a wonderous new companion!"

"Color? Probably...blue. The address is 488 Sky Maple. When should I whip out the card?"

"No need, you'll pay on delivery, where a certified caretaker with at least an associate's degree will run you through the steps of your lovely little pal. Do mind that a tiny fee will be added. Any questions before your friend arrives?"

"A small one. On the website, it said you guys weren't responsible for any damages, loss of limbs, death of self or family. Is that...something to be concerned about?" He had some more questions, but it would be better to see them close up to gather thoughts.

"Oh no no no! No no, that's only legal mumbo-jumbo, you know how people are." A nervous chuckle followed, "Somebody spills coffee on themselves and they sue the company for not telling them. Leeches...anyways, nothing to worry about."

"I see." Ted leaned against the living room table.

"But we do offer several plans if case your little buddy isn't up to par. Just call this number and specify your issue and you'll be able to purchase another one, one-hundred percent free! Seems like your package will arrive in...twenty-seven minutes. Thank you for your purchase and remember Al Azif: Knowledge For a Better Tomorrow!"