Damage Control

Ever felt like despite everything you do, you could never change your life? , or let’s call it destiny. You’ll get trapped in the loop that makes you everything you hate, you’ll keep doing the things that makes you despise yourself, and you can’t stop, you’ll keep messing with that zit on your face until your face will look like it has been hit by an asteroid, you’ll keep snoozing your alarm until you miss all the things you were supposed to do, you just can’t help it, no matter how good things you do, it’s the little bad thing that runs your life, and you find yourself sitting in a dinner asking for a breakfast at lunch time wondering “what the hell went wrong? I used to be a decent man, how did I fucked up so hard?” you have no discipline”, I kept hearing my father’s words in my head, “man up! You should have done this or that instead», always dissatisfied with my course of actions.

Today, despite waking up at noon, I cleaned up good, something I haven’t done in a while, showered, shaved and put on clean clothes, in a desperate attempt to shake off the unworthiness I was doling in, I sat by the window in a diner, ordered a full breakfast from the menu , got a dirty look from the middle aged waitress, and I was ready to start my self petty party when Ben showed up from nowhere, my buddy Ben, despite all his efforts to make me feel better I still feel like shit, looking better though.

“I see you are coming out to the sun, at last!” Ben said.

“I need a decent meal” said it without looking up,

“I wish you’d stop being so hard on yourself, it has been eight months now, it’s over”" I think Rio - god rest his soul - will never stop fucking my life”, Ben slid on the seat across with grin and said to me whispering “I heard they are closing the case, it was a cold lead,” he laid back and said ” Relax my friend, we’re off the hook”,

I actually started feeling some relief, I was hunted by that evidence for six months, that and the fact that Rio sold the boat a week before his “accident “, and now we are back to where we started, broke and free.

I enjoyed my brunch, tasted like freedom, and the world got colorful again, I looked through the big window, and I saw HER, hey beautiful! , that’s a look we don’t see every day, pushed back hair and a mid-calf dress and pumps, very polished girl, she looks like a modern princess, standing out from the rest of this little town ladies, the little town that I grew up in, in the mid-west of the mid-west, I bet she will not stay long, the girls that looks like that never stick around in places like this, I know that because I was raised by one of them, my late mother resented this town to the point that it killed her, and all I was left with is a bitter father and a lot of inherent hate.

So I spent the rest of the day hanging out with Ben, l even let him drag me to a party, since I was dressed up and didn’t want it to go to waste, I hoped the lights and the bass will keep my subconscious occupied so I finally get to have some fun.

Then it was her again, she was standing with Emily - Ben’s friend-, amazing posture wearing a blue sheer dress, more coverage than transparent, just that right amount of skin to keep you interested and feed your imagination, her golden brown slick hair is down and she probably smells like vanilla, delicious, I should go and talk to her but a felt like I was frozen, how I’m going to introduce myself? Hi I’m Dave, a 32 years old fuck up looser, I have no job, no money and my rent is almost over, and I should tell you that I’m a murderer, by accident or intentionally it doesn’t matter, So how are you?. Not the most impressive pick up line but it should do!

“yeh she looks hot!” Ben startled me, it’s like he was reading my mind - not too deep I hope - I was a little embarrassed by my lack of action, “hey Emily, over here!“, oh shit it’s too late to bail now, put on a charming smile, play cool, HERE SHE COMES.