A Ray of Hope

TW: Suicide (The last line only)

“Em?”

Her voice. It tortured me . It was like poison to my ears.

“Why are you here?” , I replied back in a stoic , gruff voice . I hadn’t heard her voice in days. In fact, I craved for it more than I could perhaps ever admit. Her voice was melodic, but now, they were full of pain.

Because she was guilty. And I didn’t feel like accepting. Accepting the fact I know how she felt. Emphasizing.

It was so peaceful , the way she stared at me . I knew she was getting wet , because the thundering black clouds hadn’t yet shifted out of sight. It was a day in mid July, a gloomy one possibly. My heart was beating as loud as it could and I felt disturbed. Ignorant. And later, guilty.

I could feel her presence, as she sat down beside me, her curly hair all over her face. Her caramel skin seemed to be in it’s full glory which was now cold. Extremely Cold. Her face was void of any emotion and I could only imagine mine. As cold as it was, I didn’t want to admit the fact she inspired me, more than anyone.

However, now might not be the best time to admit.

“Soooo..”

“Yeah?“,I whispered.

“I’m sorry.“, she put both of her hand up, in surrender. “I know it may seem strange, but I wasn’t the one who told her. I just didn’t realize she was tracking me. I’m sorry Em.”

“Don’t call me that!“, I screeched, like literally. I felt a pang in my chest, and it didn’t take me more than a few seconds to work out it was guilt.

Guilt that was burning me.

Guilt that was choking me.

Guilt that was killing me.

“I swear on your sake, she hadn’t found out about the engagement till then!“, Ava cried out, tears spilling out of her eyes. The scene was awful.

Ava was already drenched, and to make things much worse, she was also wearing her favourite clothes.

The one we both chose but she got it at the end.

I knew the mistake wasn’t hers that day, but I wanted to give her the blame. Only her.

Why?

Because I had a very big ego and a very conflicted mind.

When I was there , people had called me weak , for all that poor arrangement and when I wanted to run away , my guilt got a hold of me. It was torture. I didn’t know what to do anymore. I had to let go of it , I wanted to apologize , to let everyone know it was a simple misunderstanding, but I wasn’t able to . Because it was always comforting to have someone else to blame rather than ourselves . Even if it was a misunderstanding. It always had been one.

“Why are you so difficult to deal with? What have I ever done? I didn’t ruin your engagement for your sake! It’s not your fau-”

“Just shut up! You weren’t there for me the last few years! You weren’t the one to support me! Why don’t you apologize and just leave?“, I roared , as tears freely fell from my face. Finally.

“Were you there for me when my mom died? Or the times I was abandoned and living in streets ? did you see me when I was dying ? Physically and emotionally? Drained? Suffering? ” , I continued on , barely breathing or restraining myself . My inner voice kept on urging me to stop , but no. I had bottled up my emotions . Not any longer could I dare to keep them.

“I said I’m sor-”

“A simple ’sorry?’, I laughed like a maniac , fighting the urge to calm down. I just couldn’t. I couldn’t let them call me weak again.

Fighting with your ex best friend who isn’t guilty at all is being strong right?

“You wanted me to apologize! Now when I’m doing it , you’re not fucking paying attention!” , Ava snapped , making me glare at her. It wasn’t my mistake , right? I was gonna prove I’m not weak. I need to move on . Learn to cope . Cope with the situation when people leave you.

Always to better times . Forever and ever. No looking back.

We stood there in the uncomfortable silence for a while , the clouds that were once suspended in the sky above now seemed to be retreating. It was much peaceful now . But the pain that was in the air , was just ... deepening. Somehow , we both had managed to stand towards each other however our eyes just not meeting at all.

“You’re not my Em.”

Ava stared at with me with a mix of pain and disgust , before she walked away. My Ava. She walked away. Didn’t stop to look at me or the tears that had now dried. She left me like my mom , dad , friends , cousins and so much more. She was like my family. I wanted her to stand with me , Wanted to scream for her to not leave me . Cure me. Show me how much I meant to her. How much she meant to me. She still liked me right?

But before she could leave, she quickly turned around and whispered , her voice as soothing as a breeze but more torturing than it could have possible been. Because I knew I had hurt her badly. Where it usually hurt the most.

" You’re the most imperfectly perfect person I’ve ever met...Emma Alex Hart.”

I let out a blood curdling scream as she jumped off the roof in front of me.