Chapter 1
Everyday is getting harder for me. I go through episodes of all sorts of feelings, then I get unrested. I’m not even sure if I want to die right now or really want to try to finish my college degree. I get irritated when multiple people are talking at once and sometimes I wish people just shut the fuck up, or just wait for their turn to talk, or go somewhere else to have their conversation privately instead of a bunch of noises that make me want to slap everyone in the face. I cant concentrate, I cant memorize and I think I’m doomed. Final exams are getting closer along with my appointments of psychiatrist meetup, which I really don’t want to go. I have to learn how to find time to just finish the shit that I need to get done. At this point I’m just saying fuck it. My deadline was 7 hours ago and I definitely missed it. I have not even done writing my 2000 word essays or even know how to find my sources. I am so fucking tired. I wish everything just stops and I could just take a nap, wake up, get high, go to bed and dream about somewhere nicer than here. I get bored of places quickly, and I think I really need to move to another country and get fascinated about all the things I have never seen before. I just want to have a normal life. I would never know how it could be like if I were not depressed, or being in a hypomanic episode. And I’ll never know. Medications do help to ease the symptoms until it doesn’t do much anymore. My mood is such a fucking bitch and I just want to fucking end myself.
I don’t know how to chill out. My life is not even that interesting, I have only fucked 5 people. I don’t even have sex that often thanks a lot to covid. I just wanna get fucked and fuck them until I decide I don’t ever wanna see them again. I hate relationships, it triggers my anxiety. Try to date someone with bipolar, you’re either gonna run for the hills, or never wanna leave. I hate the idea of commitment, but I also kinda love it. I don’t even know what the fuck I want. I’m having feelings that I just hate when it ends. Then I get sad. Because it just ended. The feelings, I mean. I do really like them, but my moodswings say FUCK NAH BITCH. I cant believe I was in monogamous relationships. Now I don’t even remember most of the people I dated. I was so needy back then, and now as well but I know I will be anxious as shit if I ever commit to only one person. I love attention, I love casual sex, and I love being on my own. I can be so good on my own, until a girl come and ruin it. But the thing is I love that shit, I love girls and non cis guys who look like they’re gonna ruin my life. Remember the one who did me dirty back in 2019? Yea, we’re gonna fuck again when im back to Singapore. I know, I’m just a horny stupid bitch. I get so addicted to sex with women that I just wanna quit everything and come to their place at 11pm with my backpack filled with things u know what. I miss the thrill of living alone. I really do miss it.
