Tapes to Blake.

—Look at that house, it has a fountain in the shape of a dolphin! —Shay murmured as she noticed I was struck by the scenery—. Imagine having so much space but not knowing what to fill it with. Or having it full but feeling empty. That's my only fear, you know? To have everything but nothing at the same time.

—It's fucked up, isn't it? —I reply, settling into the seat, I was starting to get dizzy from the swaying of the car and so many lights—. There is no middle ground in life. It's either black or white.

—We're not even drunk and we're already philosophizing —Shay laughs as she swallows the bite of oatmeal she's put in her mouth—. It's your fault, Lynn. All the books you read are killing your youthful spirit.

—It's better to be aware than to ignore it all —I defend myself, infected by his good humor—. Hey, I can still do stupid things like the typical inexperienced young woman I am. Don't challenge me.

She makes a bun out of her diet bar wrapper and puts it in her jacket pocket.

—Sure, Saddy. You're such a rule breaker.

—Where am I going now, ladies? —asks the cab driver, looking at us in the rearview mirror.

Shay gives him directions and he drives about five more blocks until he pulls up in front of the fanciest house in this upscale, wealthy neighborhood. You would expect nothing less from one of the most influential families in town. If this were Harry Potter, they would be the Malfoy's, but without the platinum blonde hair.

I didn't want her to bear the entire cost of the cab, the mileage meter was high and we still had to get back, so I paid half the amount, to lighten up a bit. The cab driver gladly received the money. Of course, I would be happy too if I saw so much green in one day.

—Thank you. Have a good night —I tell to the man, Shay rolls his eyes with a smile.

Once in front of the oak door, we ring the doorbell, although Shay proposed to text Nate to open the door, I didn't think it was very feasible, they probably aren't even aware of the cell phone.

We took advantage of those seconds to check our appearance. We looked at each other's faces in front of the door that was vibrating because of how loud the music was inside, I fixed Shay's lipstick while she straightened the crescent pin in my hair, it had come off a little after eating my only bar I saved from the cupboard at home in case I got hungry and there was only alcohol at the party.

—I think I'm going to throw up —I mutter under my breath, feeling as if the front door of that house became gigantic and I shrank to the size of an ant—. Can we go back home? There's still time to run.

—Saddie —Shay shook her head, tightening the strap of her heels, leaning against me—. I'll be by your side the whole time, it's not the first time you've accompanied me to a party, this one is no different than the others. Relax.

At that a shirtless guy appears on the other side of the threshold, the music reaches our ears loudly and the continuous bass makes us barely hear our own greetings.

The doorman —who is really just someone who happened to be nearby— was wearing a green mask that alluded to the movie starring Jim Carrey. He opened his arms to receive my friend with excessive enthusiasm, I could perceive the smell of alcohol emanating from him when he approached to greet me in the same way, but he only let out an "Ehh!", followed by unintelligible words, because as expected he did not know my name and was completely drunk.

After all that protocol greeting, he let us pass inside the house, Shay gave me a reassuring smile when she noticed me so tense. It wasn't for nothing, the whole school was there, among the lights and the smoke that didn't exactly smell like tobacco, there were red glasses scattered in the corners and on the tables accompanying the expensive sculptures.

A group of girls in short skirts were taking a selfie with what appeared to be a maintenance guy, the grayish jumpsuit and mustache clashed with the whole youthful air of the party, but you could tell he couldn't care less about his appearance and was delighted with so much female attention, even if they're just goofing around with him for fun.

—Party! Woohoo! —he shouted with elation, as his long haired companions laughed uproariously and a group of boys high-fived him.

—Who's that guy? —Shay muttered next to me, taking my hand so I wouldn't get lost in the crowd. The height difference between me and her right now was quite a bit.

—I don't know, this is out of control. We'll probably find your grandmother at the bar —I joked, trying to hold in my laughter.

She didn't hold back as she imagined conservative grandmother Corina Wilson drinking a couple of mojitos at a "sinful" party of young people.

We headed towards what would probably be the most eccentric room in the house, neon lights, long oak countertop surrounding a shelf full of all kinds of drinks, it was like stepping out of a palace and into a nightclub.

There were couples over-drinking, making out on the white corner sofas, and others just talking at the bar while the bar manager prepared the drinks and took the money she was given. And sure enough, my best friend knows her and I do too.

—Shay, what a nice surprise! I thought you were going to Utah this weekend, what can I get you? —greets Lisa, still not noticing me. She is a girl of medium height, short hair, who has hit on me several times, after discovering the profile my dear friend had made for me, on a lesbian dating site in one of her attempts to get me back into the world of love—. Vodka, whiskey, wine?

It was super obvious her presence at the senior party, Lisa Martinez is an alcohol genius, according to Shay she knows how to do wonders with little, I've never tried anything she does but I heard she always attends all kinds of parties in her role as bartender, I see her move the glasses together with the ices resonating between them to the rhythm of the music. Her tattoos cast dark shadows on her pale arm.

—Vodka is fine, I'll go slow this time —my friend replied, I raised an eyebrow in her direction. If that's slow, I can't imagine what the heavy level of drunkenness will be like—. Good thing you're here, Lizzy. I don't trust the guy with the beard who winks too much.

—Maybe he has a nervous twitch and you took him for a pervert —I opined.

Lisa took her dark eyes in my direction from one moment to the next and blinked a couple of times, as if she couldn't believe I was standing there in front of her. She adjusted her uniform bun and straightened her posture to look taller. I admit it makes me kind of adorable to see her fidget.

I hesitate not knowing exactly what I should ask. I'm the cautious friend and the one who knows the least about getting drunk, so I play it safe.

—I just want water —I tell her confidently.

The girl smiled sideways and then turned to the empty glasses.

—Water? Really, Sadd? —my best friend mumbles after drinking from her glass with a smirk—. I guess there is a grandma at the bar after all.

—If I don't drink water, no one will hold your hair back while you throw up at the end of the night —I defend myself, as the bartender sets a glass of weird strawberry drink with lots of ice cubes in front of me.

I frown, but after a while I remember that Shay had put in the profile description on the dating app, that I liked strawberries and I understand everything. She's one of those girls who holds back those little details and then surprises you to try to impress but I really hate strawberries. I pull a bill out of my pocket with a grimace that tried to be a smile and pay for the drink.

—No, it's on me —she denies, passing the bill back to me on the bar—. Welcome to the popular side. It's good to see you here, Saddie.

I don't say anything when I see her dimpled smile fill her face illuminated by the blue lights. Nor when I notice she's written her phone number on a piece of paper taped to the bottom of the cup.

Once we walk away from the venue with our drinks and back out into the palace, I see Shay grinning from ear to ear and I elbow him, because I know he's noticed the same thing I have. I never agreed to subscribe to the apps, so she created them without my consent, so the information they have are her inventions to make me look interesting to the public, because if we go for the truth, it would look like the profile of someone in their eighties.

—Lizzy has a serious crush on you, why don't you give her a chance? She's asked me about you a thousand times. She's a real catch, plays bass in The Lighters and was in the Academic Decathlon three times in a row.

I roll my eyes.

—Can you stop trying to set me up with any girl? I'm serious when I say I want absolutely nothing to do with love.

I don't want to sound blunt because I love her dearly, I know she only cares about me and is trying to fix me in her own way, but all I want is time to digest that the relationship I've tried to fix for the thousandth time has failed again because I'm not enough. Even though it's been several months since the event, I can't forget about it, nor get out of that self-pity loop I've sunk into and as you can already tell, stuck in.

But I know you understand that relationships things is fucked up.

—Hey, I'm just asking. I come in peace, put down your weapons —she says, raising her arms as if I were the police.

—You almost rubbed her resume in my face, that's not in the spirit of peace with this fallen soldier —I counteract, as we walk out into the courtyard where the sound of laughter and splashing enters our ears over the music—. Why did you put that I like strawberries in your fake profile on Les?

—I read in a magazine that strawberries are an aphrodisiac and thought it would look sexy. You know —she replied nonchalantly, as we stepped out of the way of some guys chasing each other with huge Nerfs—. Now you're referring to yourself in the third person?

—You know I don't like strawberries —I mutter, approaching her, who's a little ahead of me on the walk to where Erika and Thiago are—. But Lisa thinks I do and has put a whole orchard in my glass.

Shay laughs and shrugs.

—Well, at least now I know someone has taken a good look at it and is interested.

We arrive at the table where our friends are chatting while pointing towards Samantha Weiss and her tiny bikini. Erika immediately stands up and comes over to examine me with exaggeration, cupping my face with both hands, while Thiago waits to greet me.

—I had to make sure it was you and not a hologram. Why do you have a strawberry smoothie in your hand? I thought that was the only fruit you hated.

I look at Shay accusingly.

—Uh-oh! I told her it was a bad idea, but she wouldn't listen —Thiago defended himself, giving me a kiss on the forehead. So the cupido girl had an accomplice. —How's the atmosphere agreeing with you, my dear Saddie Dickinson?

I catch his arm and glance at the clock. It's barely nine o'clock, it's still a long time before we leave here and I don't feel much like staying. But I wouldn't spoil the party for my friends because of my problem with socializing.

—I'm starving, Shay ate my oatmeal snack in the cab —I said, watching a guy put a slice of pizza in his mouth.

—I already ordered a pizza, but Erika's glutton ate all the peperonni, does it matter? —reported Thiago, opening the box that immediately gave off a delicious aroma that made my stomach growl—. Hey, Sadd. If you don't want that shake, I'll drink it. It looks great, but not as good as Dylan Thompson. Have you seen him yet? He's over there.

I look where he's pointing with his varnished fingernail, spotting the black-haired boy sitting on the edge of the pool. Thiago's impossible love. And since I know how to drool over impossible loves, I give him the glass without a second thought, since I know I won't drink it, he starts drinking in big gulps through the swirling pipote.

—I like your new style —Erika compliments me, giving me a twirl in the middle of a whistle—. That's a real bitch-dress.

Thiago spits out some of the juice and coughs trying to laugh.

The fact that Erika always says everything she thinks can be relaxing and uncomfortable in equal measure. I can see Shay in the distance talking to a group of girls touching her hair and she shows off one end of her dress, probably showing off that it's satin and brand name. She loves anything to do with fashion.

She insisted that I wear a dress too, we spent a long time in the store trying to find "the one" until she came across this one and forced me to try it on. My dark secret is that I liked seeing myself in it through the mirror, it didn't look like me, but it made me feel pretty.

—Shay picked it out for me. I would have come in jeans and a T-shirt if he hadn't intervened —I say, holding the fabric of the "bitch-dress" between my fingers. It was very silky.

—I'm glad you gave her a chance to metamorphose you, sweetheart —Thiago says, touching my ironed and looped hair—. Oh, you look stunning. How come you don't have a partner?

—Because she's going to become a nun —Erika answers for me with her hands clasped on her chest. I guffaw helplessly. I miss spending time with my friends, every moment with them renews me. Somehow I can forget everything and just enjoy the company—. Seriously, if Nathalie saw you now, she would die.

I shake in my place at the mention of my ex-girlfriend, my smile completely erased.

—Stop stalking with my Saddie and come eat the pizza, it's getting cold —Shay's voice bursts the bubble and leads us to the table.

—I'm sorry, honey. You know how Eri is, she doesn't measure the weight of her comments but she doesn't mean any harm —Thiago whispers close to me, rubbing my arm tenderly.

I smile faintly and that seems to reassure him. Everything goes smoothly for the next two hours that pass, Bea Santander invites everyone to play Yo Nunca and Erika runs off to join in, Shay decides to stay by my side and Thiago is talking to a girl I can't remember the name of but who sat with me in Chemistry.

The first game ends and everyone is a little more drunk than before, my ass feels numb, so I get up from the chair for a moment, with a glass of pineapple juice that Lisa brought me after Thiago went to ask for it and she apologized unnecessarily for her mistake. She stayed for a while to talk, the way she looked at me was a bit over the top, my bare thighs caught her attention at times and his tattooed arms brushed mine when I said I was cold.

She left when Heather Thompson —Dylan's twin sister— called her because a group of idiots had taken two bottles of rum for the game when they saw the empty booth. I was internally grateful for that, Lisa seemed to want to swallow me with her eyes and I wasn't feeling very comfortable.

—Let's go to the bathroom, I need to touch up my makeup —Shay tells me as she takes my arm to lift me out of the chair.

We walk along the edge of the pool getting a few drops of water on our legs. A boy looks at me from head to toe as I walk past him, I lower my head to the ground, I wish the walk was shorter.

—I saw you talking to Lizzy —she says. Running mascara across her eyelashes. I sigh.

—Yes, but it was nothing extraordinary. She seemed content to undress me with her eyes.

She pulls a lipstick from her glossy pencil case and looks at me through the mirror with a proud smile.

—Who wouldn't, Sadd? With what you're wearing everyone stopped to look, only you didn't notice because you were too indignant about the strawberry milkshake.

They all looked at me? I don't know how to digest that information. Where does that leave me? I don't want you to create any kind of absurd rumor or new nickname.

—I wish I had come in jeans —I say, looking at my bare back in the reflection. She shakes her head, totally disagreeing.

—Oh, shut up. You're too beautiful to cover up, show all your attributes plus your nerdy side and leave Nath behind, she's not worth it.

—Hello, anyone there? I need to pee! —A pleading voice, followed by loud knocking on the door startles us.

—Busy! —Shay replies. Applying more perfume to her neck—. Fuck.

—You've got a long way to go! -the voice insisted.

—There's like ten bathrooms in this house! —replies my friend, snorting. She opens the door to find a red-haired boy with a contorted face bumping into me before rushing inside and slamming the door.

Well, all the alcohol had to come out somewhere.

At that, I see a tall girl come through the front door where we entered a few hours ago. She's wearing her hair down and a t-shirt from some band I don't know, with jeans and a jean jacket that fits her very well. The way she looks around suspiciously gives me to understand that it's not her environment at all and the guy next to her, quite the opposite, seems to be in his element.

My stomach starts to tingle strangely as she laughs at something the boy says to her and then gets lost in the crowd, escaping my gaze that hasn't been satiated with the seconds I've had her in front of me.

—I thought you were going to run after her —Shay mutters, barefoot. Locking her arm in mine. I open my mouth looking for an excuse but nothing comes out—. Let's hurry over there, you might run into her again.

I smiled, because she seemed to understand even more than I did.