The One that Got Away.
**KAT’S NOTE**
It all started when I went to a party with my cousins.
Never did I know that under the street lights and the music that was blaring from an old car would meet a boy who would end up becoming the love of my life.
Never did I expect that he would be the one who would actually steal my heart and never give it back to me.
That was the night I first met David and never could I ever imagine that we would be introduced to addiction that was attached to chaos.
Never did I realize that we would go through this trap, where the harder we tried to come out of it, the more we got sucked in.
Life is a journey, filled with pain and joy, but there are some things in life that we never forget. In my case, I never forgot this boy named David.
No matter how many times I told myself to move on, to forget about that boy, I just couldn’t do it. I just kept falling in love with him, over and over again. I kept recalling his smile. I kept recalling his laughter. I kept recalling something that felt so magical about us. I just kept remembering, during sleepless nights, about those stolen glances and those boyish jokes. No matter how much I fought it, I just kept falling back over and over again.
David was not just a boy, he was a youth, he was a passion, he was a dream that we thought we would have forever, but we just had for a brief moment in time.
My love for him will always exist. It will always be a part of me. It will always remind me that having weaknesses is not a crime, having emotions is not a crime, showing emotions is not a crime.
How can I hate David so much but miss him as much as I do? He’s smile used to light up my life, even though he annoyed me with his point of views. Now that he’s not in my life, there is this void in my heart from where he used to talk to me.
In life, we form relationships that bring us joy, problems, love, and loss. In this journey, we often question ourselves whether we have truly ended a relationship or are we just taking a break from a relationship.
In such cases, we go through a phase of missing someone and a phase of waiting on what the future might hold. I wonder if we are really, really over in this life. Or are we just taking a little break from the ways we could have been? Is this it? Are we really done?
The way we could have been: I am over them and I am sure, so are you, tired of reading it.
Is this really over? Many-a-times finality of a relationship is assumed by society.
I've tried and tried to move on to turn the page to begin my new life over again but the truth of the matter is I've fallen in love with that boy a million and one times over.
I keep thinking I'm moving forward yet I keep being reminded of everything that made me love him all over again.
Like the way he smiled at me and showed me happiness even when I didn't think it existed.
Like the way he laughed at me and our inside jokes we had like everything was going to work out.
Like the way he kissed me goodnight on my forehead from across the room.
Like the way he made my heart skip a beat every time he touched my back to guide me through a door. No matter how much I try I keep hanging on to the same things that brought me into his life in the first place. I guess I'm not quite ready to let go of my first love.
David wasn’t just a moment, he was the best years of my life, the best days of my growing up. How is it possible that I could have so much anger towards him but also miss him as much as I do. I used to love to hear him laugh even if he drove me crazy with his opinions. Now that he’s gone, the lack of conversations between us leaves me with a void that I just can’t seem to fill.
In life, relationships can bring us joy, pain, love, and loss. When it comes to relationships, we often wonder whether it is really over or whether it is really just a break. It leaves us longing, and waiting, and wondering what if?
Over the course of the last year I have wondered and asked myself countless times if our time together on this earth is truly done or are we merely in a break from the obsessive thoughts about the life we could have created together.
It is a question I feel every couple that has ever existed can relate to how we define them and how they define us I ask this question as I think about the times we have spent together and the times we could have spent together if we had made different decisions.
It’s funny when we think things are done, isn’t it?
You’re either in a relationship or you’re not. But there are relationships where you are neither together nor apart. Whether it’s because of location, circumstances, experiences or just simply because you have some things you need to work through.
They just aren’t over. But you have to take a step back, a breather.
We need to take a breath, we need to pause, we need to allow for some breathing space to come to terms with the inevitable, we need to be sure there is nothing left to lose or to give.
