Pain.

I think it was bad when I could cry silently

I think it was bad when it felt like everyday was an eternal hell

And when shedding a smile was harder than shedding a tear

I think it was bad when my mascara was running down my face every night

And when all my screams for help where internal

I think it was bad when all I could think about was nothing

And using every second of everyday looking at a wall or ceiling

Instead of getting things done.

I think it was bad when the dishes on my nightstand started to pile up

Showing my leaning tower of depression

I think it was bad went from being my safe place to being my home

And when my room became a small studio apartment in New York City

I think it was bad when I was numb

And when I could have a conversation in the dark and cry right in front of them

And they wouldn’t even notice

I think it was bad when I drove to a bridge and jumped out of my car

And looked down

I think it was bad when I couldn’t see anything and my vision was blurry

From tears rushing down my face to make my body feel like there was something

There when there wasn’t

I think it was bad when I started to feel like I had nothing left

And when I felt like no one cared

I think it was bad when my days started to feel like a never ending loop

I think it was bad when the only thing that felt like a cure was to jump

I think it was bad when I took my last breath and saw nothing but water in my last second in the dark and lonely place