REFLECTION

- I’m That person that everyone replaces after a while

Looking in the mirror it felt untrue. That the person looking back was her. How did I let it get this bad? I should have listened. Her bony fingers making contact with the glass surface she was mortified. Even taping a mere piece of glass her wrist and fingers ached. This wasn’t the first and it surely wasn’t the last, but it all happened all so fast. Days felt like mere minutes to her never realizing how long she lived like this.

Staring back at her, well what was left of her. She felt like an empty shell, emotionless to people around her. She didn’t long for death, it longed for her. Following her like a shadow and she let it. The insecurities and guiltiness were catching up to her. Taking her soul and body with it.

This was the first time in months since she looked in a mirror. The first time she took a look at herself and engulfed her appearance. She hated everything about her, for in her eyes the littlest things mattered the most. Now wailing on her knees it ached to move. She hated it all, the mirrors, the people, even herself.

Looking around her room all she saw was red, picking up the heavily weighted book from the corner of her bed she threw it with as much force she could muster. Shattering the mirror and the person looking back at her.

She wanted it all to end. The endless days of torment never feeling alone. Slowly but surely she was losing it, for every passing second she felt relentless pain. Now sitting in a fetus position in front of the remains of the mirror she shattered she grew tired. Tired of everything, tired of her, the imperfections.

She needed something to take this pain and torment away. Something she’s been trying to run from since forever. Now rising from her feet with fainted strength, she took small steps to the opposite side of her room. Limping to her closet door she almost fainted. her vision turned blur with every movement but she missed it, the high. The feeling of that surge of energy.

For she was tired of the judgment of others, tired of their pleads and cries. She just wanted something to fill this empty pit in her heart. Now sliding her closet door open she lunged at the pile of clothes looking for it. The pile grew smaller and smaller while she grew impatient. She wanted to cry, how could she be so stupid of course they found it. Her stash. They could never let me be, she thought.

She needed it more than ever now. To her, it helped her but she couldn’t see the pain it put her through. All the anxiety attacks the recurrence anyone could see where it came from but her. Bringing her knees to her bare chest closing the closet door behind her she cried.

Rocking herself, soothing like a newborn baby she couldn’t understand. Why me, why was I born this way. She wanted to end her existence. She wanted relief knowing the pain would go away.

“Please God’

She whispered under her breath, hoping that when she woke up it would all go away. Fluttering her eyelids she felt weak not being able to move a muscle. She pushed herself too far this time and used up too much energy. Curled up in a ball in the closeted space she drifted to sleep hoping that maybe she wouldn’t wake up.