1.
For as long as I can remember I've never really been happy. Yeah I'd have moments when I felt I was, laughed and had a good time but I was never truly happy.
I started taking notice of that at around 8 years old. I mean at that age you shouldn't have a worry in the world and being too busy enjoying childhood right? Nope. At that age I knew I wanted my dad, ofcourse he lived halfway across the country with his other family, but I still wanted him.
At the time I didn't realize that having daddy meant I couldn't have mommy and it took me living with daddy and not seeing mommy to understand I could only have one parent at a time, not both.
At eight years old I didn't know how to deal with that. Why can't I have both parents? Why do I have to choose who I like more enough to live with?
By then mom had started another family just like dad did. I'm not sure parents pay enough attention to their child or children to take notice of small things, like a child feeling lonely, left out, no longer a part of the family and even as if they're in the way.
Living with my mom I don't think it was ever her intention to make me feel that way. To this day I'm not really sure she knew exactly how I felt and to what extent. A new boyfriend, a new baby, where does that leave me? Like an outside looking in.
At 13, tired of feeling sad all the time and not completely understanding why, I now felt like I had to figure out why I was so different from kids my age. Why I didnt smile or laugh as much, why I preferred to stay inside by myself with the TV on, why I kept thinking of walking in front of a truck, why I cried so much, why I wanted to run away, why happiness wasn't permanent, why I had to be hungry for hours sometimes, why my family argued and fight so much, why I had to walk to school and save my lunch money if I wanted a new bag or shoes, why I couldn't find the courage to tell my mom certain things, why she allowed me be too afraid of her to tell her how I felt, why my dad didn't listen when I tried to tell him what was happening at home, why my father's wife treated me differently than her own kids, why my boyfriend at the time took pleasure into ripping my heart out every week, why my mom was giving advice to other people but not following them... why why why?
I didn't want to be unhappy, I didn't really know that I was depressed at that time. I'm 13 what do I have to be depressed about right? Wrong. I just couldn't find answers to my questions and I couldn't let myself be okay with that. Too much had already went on and I was getting tired of carrying the world on my shoulders. I just needed a break, I desperately needed a break.
Thoughts I didn't want to think filled my head and I was quickly loosing interest in being alive. Was there any happiness to look forward to? Would there ever be? Will it always be like this? Is this what life is about? How come everybody else seem happy and managing just fine? Why can't I be like that?
And so I sat down, I thought to myself, how do I become happy? What will it take? I need permanent happiness so how do I go about getting that. I thought about what would make me happy, what would motivate me, what would give me something to live for, something to be proud of, to smile and laugh about. What would make living easier, more enjoyable?
With all that happening I just didn't feel the love and support that I needed, I didn't feel important to anyone, like I really mattered. There was no one to say yes, this person understands me inside and out and loves me unconditionally. At 13 that was never something I could truly be sure I had so I knew I wanted that for myself in the futures.
After thinking for what seemed like forever, I realized that everything I wanted i could find in having a child. How wrong is that? Still a child myself but I seem to can only find happiness in having a child. A living breathing human being that I'd be completely responsible for. Not even as hey responsible for myself and when my mind should be focused on school and kids stuff I'm already dead set on being a mother.
To think that if I have a child, all my problems would be solved was the push I needed. When I think of how I'd carry this tiny person in my body for nine months with only love in my heart, and a smile on my face, to know that I'd finally get to experience the greatest love of all just by looking at a baby I delivered, to know that I'd get the chance to love somebody with everything inside of me and more, to know that I'd feel nothing but happiness, joy, excitment for the future, to think about how my heart would swell with love more and more each and every single day.. the more I thought about it the more I realized I needed it.
Oh no, I didn't just want it anymore I needed it just like I need the air I breathe. I felt hope for my life and future. I had never wanted to live more than in that moment. I wanted all life had to offer, I wanted to experience it all. I could get through anything, I'm ready now so throw all you have at me as hard as you can. Everything will be worth it as long as I get to be a mother someday. That found itself at the top of every list I ever made in my life. Be a mother. It was now a life goal, a dream, the biggest dream I ever want to say I accomplished. I was nowhere near ready, but I was ready.
