Her Guilty Pleasure
ESSIE:
Emotions are shaky, happiness is fleeting like snaps that seem so eager to vanish once recollected.
Sadness and desolation, on the other hand, linger inside of me as if they found a home to stay.
Warm and Cozy.
Every single day is a struggle, my heart filled with anger, grief, and something else that I couldn’t even name with.
A constant cycle of pain-laughter-exhaustion with no promises of genuine joy and hope.
Welcome to my life.
It’s a shame, how I look so elated and fun on the surface but a total wreck from the core.
No one knows, No one notices, No one could ever tell.
Because that is what I am best at, keeping the ugly and pretending that everything is as pretty and as nice as I thought living should be.
But life is unforgiving. Life is wicked.
It has its most wretched ways to fuck us up, to move our very soul, and to make us feel exactly what hell on earth would be.
A deathless death as it feels, an absolute and ideal experience of an eternal inferno.
If I would be honest, I have never known how to love myself, not in the slightest and the simplest connotation of that phrase.
How ironic it seems that I could love other people so hard and so deep it cuts, but I couldn’t even give a bit of tenderness, mercy to myself.
At this point, I have nothing left in me.
Complete and utterly empty.
Nowhere else to go, nobody to talk to but myself.
I am in denial, I refused to confront the reality, my reality.
That I am sad, I am torn, I am fucked up.
It’s too painful to even admit that this is what I have become and probably would still be for a while.
Because there is no way out, at least none that I’ve known of.
The continuous torment and misery have become my constant companion.
An abyss of perpetual darkness has become my comfort zone, my asylum.
I yearn for something that I don’t have,
something that I deprived myself for so long,
something that I never bothered to mind because I was too busy.
Too busy either getting stoked or fucked up.
Too busy loving the wrong people and indulging in things that ultimately plunged my self-worth into the pit.
I have forsaken myself, my values, my self-respect that paved the way to Hades.
I am dead, I am fucked.
Chapter 1
Part 1: Her Guilty Pleasure
Essie has always believed in love and fairy tales. Happy endings as they say it. A pure soul and a heart with so much delight. A walking doll with no idea how stunning and perfect she is.
She’s a total package.
A complete bombshell on a small body frame, pretty face, and long blonde hair with streaks of ash gray. Her almond-shaped brown eyes compliment her slender visage, slim nose, and sweet smile that could make even a calloused heart skip a beat. Such a natural Asian beauty, small and dainty figure but with all sexy curves in the right places. Her skin is radiant and smooth with no tinge of imperfection. A God-given feature that most women envied about her.
Damn!
She looks like an angel displaced on earth!
For some time, this sweetheart thought that every soul that walks on blue marble is as real as hers, as affectionate and tender as hers. At least, on their best selves. Somewhere, somehow she believed that there is goodness in people. That being God’s finest creation makes human kindred with love, respect, and every goodness that goes with it until she met him. The man who broke her EVERY DREAMS AND BELIEF. Whoever made her doubt herself and an asshole who popped her love bubble leaving her in tears and emptiness.
Half-past one on a Friday afternoon but she’s still on the bed starring on the wall with earphones on full blast playing Sam Smith’s “Dancing with a Stranger” on repeat probably since she got home the night before. Her ex’s ripped and old blue shirt has become her favorite night clothes ever since he left. A bittersweet reminder of him and her little misfortune.
Her face has still traces of make-up, eyeliner smudge, lipstick stains on her pillows and still smelling like her latest boy toy’s vanilla and amber scent.
She’s someone that looks like been dragged from hell or something.
She’s a mess!
And she’s feeling it again, the void upon waking up, the despair and loneliness have taken over her like it was meant to stay.
Like they have become part of her.
“Hey, babe! How’s your date last night? Is he cute? Please tell me he’s hot! God, I’m dying!”,
Sarah asking with her eyes wide open, tantalizing like she’s about to get the very meat of the story. Sitting next to Essie’s bed while sipping her first cup of cafe americano of the day.
Sarah, a girl-next-door type with brunnette hair and sexy long legs, Essie’s roommate and a close friend, has been a fan of her little “menscapades”.
Still reluctant to respond but Essie felt the need to update her friend before she starts insisting and would end up annoying her with questions the whole afternoon.
“It was fine, he’s ok.”, Essie answered while removing her earphones and gradually sitting up on the bed to face Sarah.
“What? That’s it? Where’s the steamy news?” Did you even, you know, get freaky? Hehehe”, her face got even more inquisitive, curious of what possibly had happened on Essie’s date.
“Nothing, he’s not my type.”, a plain and honest answer with a minimal tone of boredom.
“Ugh, no! I hate it when you do this! Last night you were so excited to meet him because you said he’s cute and all but now you’re saying he’s a bummer? Well, too bad.” Sarah with her mouth pouting like a kid who has been denied having sweets.
“Sorry babe, I have run out of luck, I guess.” Essie while shrugging her shoulders looking clueless about what is in store for her in the future.
“ Haaayz, fine. I won’t ask for now but looks like you need some shower babe. Let’s get you ready, We’ll be having dinner with Doc Ogie later. He’s been annoying me the whole day! That bitch is such a pain in the ass.. hahaha. We could not afford to be late otherwise we’ll end up paying for dinner.”, both of them laughing at that thought knowing that they’re broke.
“Yeah, get your asses ready like now and we’ll go shopping before dinner. There are sales everywhere. We don’t want to miss it, do we? Besides, I need a new outfit for my dinner date with Josh. Yallah, sura sura! ” Judy showed up from nowhere holding a cooking spatula on her hand waving it on the girls like a teacher reprimanding them in class.
A red-haired bad-ass chick with a soft and sweet side. She’s a hot-blooded bitch, aggressive, a true female Aries. A walking nightmare for those who go against her and her besties.
“Fine, I’ll be up in a bit,” Essie answered with no choice at all.
