The Great Peder
“I can do it, I can do it,” I whispered to myself in my empty apartment. I don’t have to do it, do I? Am I really considering this? But it’s not just for my safety, but everybody else’s, right?
But then again, he could die tomorrow from an innocent fall, where his head hits the hard bathroom tile. His skull could crack open and injure his brain easily. He is prone to falling. Just yesterday he did in his bedroom, which is why Julia have had put in the soft carpet. But that man has way more than nine lives. People in his sorry condition can live 5 or more years, and who knows what damage he can do in the meantime?
If I do this, will it help my anxiety? Will I feel guilty? I have been thinking about it for weeks now, surely months too. I know I won’t get caught. I can always change my mind, I convince myself.
I pour the soaked cherry stones and water into the mortar, and start crushing them. It takes a lot of work, and my arms are getting sore, but after a solid hour of arm-workout, its passable. I pour the mass into a small empty jar that used to contain pesto. Should I throw the mortar out? Is it safe to reuse? I throw it into the trash just to be safe, and put the jar, with an extra small plastic bag over it, into the small compartment in my purse, where I also keep my tampons.
I can’t help but reflect on what I have just done. I had to sit down on my floor. I can throw it out right now, and no one will know of my doing. Tears start collecting, and I try to blink them away. I don’t have to do this, but I feel safe enough not to. I don’t consider myself religious, but can’t help a small prayer, hoping that when I show up tomorrow, Julia or somebody else will tell me that he is already passed on, and I won’t need the jar. I know logically it’s wrong to want somebody gone, but right now it doesn’t feel wrong, and it’s the only hope that will straighten my mind and spirit.
“I can do it,” I whispered again, and decided I needed tequila tonight. Getting my heavy ass up the floor and back into my kitchen, I got all I needed, including cookies, and walked out to my balcony. My small balcony is right through my bedroom, where there’s just room for one chair, and I have to place it a certain way in order to close the door. I’ve proudly built a shelf that is connected to the rail, but stands outside the balcony, that I use as a small table.
I can’t get too drunk, just enough to sleep, but I will still function tomorrow. Sitting comfortably, I try to distract my thoughts by watching The Office on my phone, but I’m honestly more interested in the tequila and cookies.
I haven’t done it. The day just passed so quickly, and my mind to paranoia. When I was walking into the mansion the next morning, I kept my purse close to my body, and tried to sneak glances at the guards, but since I am part of the family, they didn’t even notice me.
When I got to the kitchen, I placed my jacket and purse on a chair by the kitchen bar, instead of the entryway wardrobe. That way, the jar was close to me if needed.
My paranoia thought that Marie, Ruby or Julia would comment on it, but of course they didn’t. They were busy making breakfast, and preparing the orangery. I had my chances, but I was too scared and jumpy. I was the one to arrange his serving of rice pudding with plum syrup and fresh berries, and I was all alone too. Rudy was walking out with the teas and coffees, and Julia busy taking the warm baskets with pastries and buns out too. Maria was already outside placing juices on the tables. But I didn’t do it. And suddenly they were back, and it was my time to walk out with some food.
The orangery is outlandish and glamorous, just like the rest of the property. The big windows are surrounded by rose bushes in different colors, and the orangery’s messing skeleton shines when the sun hits it. All the tables and chairs are designed to match the giant glass house, built specifically to eat breakfast in.
My first chance missed, however, and knowing he would be out in a moment caused my fingers to shake. I focused on my breathing, and tried to control my emotions, but it wasn’t working, so I had to hide my hands in my cardigan pockets. Just look cool, don’t let him see your fear. Don’t let anyone see your fear, just be normal.
The first to arrive was my grandmother Sisi in her wheelchair, supported by my aunt Katerina, with her youngest son and my cousin Walter. Right behind Walter was his wife Sofie carrying their first newborn child, Annabella, while talking to my other cousin Sandra, who carried her one year old son, Carl. And slowly, more and more family came, and stood behind their chair. I was behind mine, with both of my older sisters, Lydia and Rose, on my left side, and an empty chair reserved for my younger brother Toby on my right. It seemed he would be late again, his teenage brain just couldn’t wake up in the morning. So I decide to call him, and while waiting for him to pick up, I see my great-grandfather on his way in the distance. My heart jumps and I start shaking internally. The stubborn old man, being 103 years old, and still having no illness or diagnosis, only a bad balance that he denies. He refuses to use a walker or cane, so my cousin Frederik has to have a strong grip on him, as they walk arm in arm.
“ Yeah” My little brother yawns into my ear.
“ We’re all waiting for you” I muttered and hung up.
The Great Peder was, despite his age, still the leader and head boss of this family. What he says goes and even if you secretly question his decision, you will do what he says in a heartbeat. He demands all family members who are available have to share breakfast together. Which is why we are in the orangery that can seat all 73 people, who are here this morning and every morning. It was built eight years ago, when the big dining room became too small.
Far behind The Great Peder and Frederik, I saw Toby running towards us. When he reached just behind The Great Peder and Frederik, he slowed down, and walked with them the rest of the way. It was first when they finally found their seats, and The Great Peder said a morning prayer, we could all sit down and eat.
After eating, I quickly collected my jacket and purse from the kitchen, before Angela, Hannah and Leah started cleaning up after breakfast. On my way out to the office, I catch Toby and uncle Gary talking, which makes me pause in my strike. That is not good, so I made a mental note to talk to Toby.
“Donna”, I heard Frederik call my name, and I turned, finding him near the northwest staircase. “Do you remember when the meeting with DF Office supply and electronics was pushed to?”
“14:30, and its about 35-40 minutes away” I answered as I walked to meet him. As we walked up the wooden stairs to the office, we went over the plans for the next month and any changes.
Having half of the family working in the mansion meant a lot of office space was needed. The entire first floor, and some of the second, were filled with office spaces that all strive to do what’s best for the family.
Then the next four hours were spent working until lunch, when my next chance was. Me and some of my family members, who also work as assistants on the second floor, were carrying up the already prepared lunch. We on the second floor usually eat together, again because The Great Peder wishes it. But only 20 people this time. And again I had a chance while bringing the food.
I had my purse on me and was walking to the back, where I could easily fuck-up his potato soup. Even if they saw me stop walking and messing around with the bags of food, they would never suspect me of any ill intent. But I just kept walking and then the hall ended and the break room started, where they all sat waiting, and it was too late again. Then work started up and I’d assist Frederik as always.
Being surrounded by papers and screens, I was in deep concentration, with Frederik at the desk opposite me. Laundering money was a never ending job. There’s always more to do, and every time I get done with a section, more comes. Me and Frederik could really use a second assistant.
The ringing of my phone breaks my concentration. I see the caller is Frederik’s sister Annalise. “Hey Anna,” I say as I pick it up, turning up the volume so Frederik can hear.
“ Hey sweetie, is Freddy with you” she asked, and in the background I recognized my own sister Lydia’s voice talking with other people. It tells me that they are at work in our own daycare.
I look at him, but he shakes his head, never taking his eyes off the computer screen.
“ No, he’s out right now.”
" tell him to grow up, and call me back. I’ve tried to talk to him the last two days, and if he doesn’t call back soon, I will give his little baby boy drums for his birthday”. She threatened.
“I will see you later”, I tried to end the call.
“ Yeah, are you coming to Chrissy’s girls night on Friday’
" I’m not sure. Friday is usually busy, because we have to finish some stuff before the weekend, but I will try.”
“ Come on girl, I will save some wine for you. Wait a moment. KENNY GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH! NOW! Sorry I have to go.”
“ Of course, bye”, I hung up, and looked back at Frederik.
“ None of your business” he softly replied to my unspoken question.
“ Right, by the way, we have to leave in ten minutes, or we will be late at DF Office supply and electronics. ”
“ Good, I could use a break from this” he gestures at the screen, before getting up and cracking his back.
“Jesús, when did you become that old?” I laughed.
“shut up, Leo keeps going to sleep in my bed, and kicks me during the night, so you try sleeping next to a four-year-old, before you judge me.”
“ Oh in my bed, I can stretch every limb, roll all the way to the left and all the way to the right”, I brags and he throws a pen at me.
“Leo misses you, he wants you to come over to play.”
“Alright, I will try to come by this weekend” I said as I shut down the computer.
The meeting with DF Office supply and electronics went smoothly, and before I realized it, my work was over.
