My Young Pretty Obsession
The most tragic kind of love has always been unrequited, and this is my tale of madness and young unwelcome love. Sadly throughout my long life, I never once had young love, or any love at all. For some unlucky young boys, it's not part of the hand we are ever dealt. We don't grow up to have ordinary or even normalized lives without such a thing as love, and emotionally we remain stunted for all our remaining years.
Starting around 12 years old, I only had one obsession, and never did again my entire life. She was called Cee. A young pretty italian cousin of the very kind christian family who took me in at a very bad time in my life. This obsession wasn't really a choice for me, it was my state of mind via chemistry. She barely knew my name, but that's how it occurs sometimes.
Throughout all the various events of my odd young life to that point, my crazy adventures with my only friend Joseph, personal failings and mischievous antics at school, as well as the eccentricities of my family at home, I never once forgot my obsession with Cee. Maybe it would have been far better if I had been able to utterly erase her from my memory, since unrequited love is the very worst bane rejected males can suffer in this sad life. This damns us the most, and often ends tragically in life, as it ended up cursing me for the rest of my pitiful existence. Love when unreturned can evolve into a form of utter madness, as it did for me.
With my unusual intelligence, I knew many things I probably shouldn’t have ever known, and I probably should have been able to resist my own chemistry. I had just turned 13 when I finally took forbidden action on my feelings; Carrying the insights of someone far older in some ways, yet I was still enslaved to my body's chemistry. I became the worst kind of long-distance stalker, one who should have known better, but did not. Cee didn’t really damn me, I damned myself in the end. The blame lies solely with me.
As with many stalkers, information, and obsessiveness were my real power, and my downfall as well. My curse was my single-mindedness, and always knowing way too damned much.
To be honest, 40 years later, I haven’t a clue as far as how I researched all my facts. I just recall a few methods, but back then, I was beyond determined. Love can do that. Inspire the greatest deeds, or the most depraved. This was the very early 80s, and although computers were rare, and the internet didn’t exist, I was very talented in my own particular way in finding out what I needed. Between newspaper articles, phone books, phone calls, etc, I was able to figure out certain matters necessary for my personal obsession and my eventual damnation.
I was obsessive in finding out everything I needed to know, and got the information with whatever means available to me at the time, via any resource I could access. I knew her school, and her full name, and found out the exact date and location of her prom. Surely the beginning plot of a psychotic thriller, if there ever was one.
Knowing it was all wrong, she never gave a crap about me, yet I was a slave to my chemistry all along. We are organic beings after all, and yes we have choices technically speaking, yet love is something completely irrational.
Love is a legitimate form of insanity, and I was a total victim of it, a slave if you will. This emotion overwhelms the rational brain that makes logical and rational decisions, and logical thoughts were long out the friggin door for me at that point.
I was a mere passenger to my passion. I loved Cee, by every human definition, according to my own overwhelming chemistry, even though she ignored me at literally every turn.
She read my letters of utter devotion, and never answered, not even once. Her mistake, but also very much mine. Rejection would have probably helped, but I never got a single response from her, and my chemistry remained unsatiated. Maybe if I would have had an actual rejection from her, I could have sadly moved on, unhappy of course, but with an actual answer, maybe real closure, I had none. So insanity was the order of the day.
By God I wanted her badly, and nothing would stop me from stalking her, and being there at her prom, though I was very much unwelcome. I was obviously delusional. Nothing I could have ever done would have changed the reality.
Her prom was at the Executive Hotel, in Cheektowaga, NY, a mere 30 minutes bus ride from Downtown Buffalo, and when the time came, that’s exactly what I did, as crazy as it was. Cee would never want me. By her silence, she made it quite clear, yet I didn’t give a crap at that point.
I was no longer a rational being; And no longer strictly in charge of my body, my chemistry made all my decisions at that point, completely irrational as they were. Was I actually insane? I was by any legal definition. At the time I was merely a slave, a mere passenger, although my rational part took the full blame for it all in the end. The entire time my rational logical side told me to turn back, yet I didn’t.
With my dangerous obsession, I took the bus to the Executive hotel, and the consequences be damned! I’d somehow make CEE be aware of who I was, and how I wanted her, period. Maybe against all odds, she would truly see me, and succumb somehow to my will? Such was my insanity in 1983 as a love stricken insane 13 year old boy.
I was completely crazy, 100 percent, possibly dangerously psychotic, and loony as Hell. Yet that’s young unrequited love for ya, at least the more unhealthy obsessive version. I was no longer myself , and the logical side of myself kept objecting, and told me to go home asap, yet I remained.
This wasn’t within my power at the time. I was not in charge anymore. The driver was a maniac that had hijacked the vehicle of my being. The guy at the wheel of my ship wasn’t the captain, nor the navigator, but the nut that was supposed to be locked up in the brig, barking orders at the top of his lungs, and the ship madly followed.
As far as Cee was concerned I was an utter nobody, and I was not even worth a single polite but stern and true rejection. It would have been an utter kindness to receive an actual “no” response. It was a very sad thing, I was utterly inconsequential and below her notice even. Things would be very different if I had received a single letter of disgust or rejection,and my life would have taken another path, but one never came.
Love is a form of madness, when it goes both ways, quite acceptable by society; But when it’s strictly a one way thing, it’s very dangerous, and quite beyond all reason.
My brain’s chemistry did not really care, and for the moment ,the irrational me was in total control. I sat inside and mainly watched it play out.
The Executive Hotel was a large place and spacious, and of course luxurious, as it should be.
Her prom was scheduled to take place in a large ballroom , it even had a giant chandelier, and with disco lights added that very day. I knew little about how big the Hotel actually was, and how infamous it was, and who usually used it, but more on that later.
I arrived early and did a full slow walk around the perimeter. It was a full city block in size. It was only a few blocks away from the Buffalo airport, as it should have been to attract the patrons that it actually did. I didn’t realize at the time who many of its regular patrons really were, but I found out later, in a very dramatic and crazy fashion. In my cautious nature and paranoia I ended up circling the entire property of the hotel carefully, taking note of all entrances, and exits, as a good obsessed stalker certainly would. I could do no less.
After I mentally noted everything, Every last exit, entrance, and smoking areas, I made my way inside, to still scout, in the throes of my personal insanity, and I had no choice as to turning back, it was not within my ability then; anymore than a cougar can choose not to stalk a tasty deer when starving.
I was an irrational hungry animal at the time, driven by dark irresistible chemicals I didn’t even realize existed back then. I watched my crazy side take complete control of my body, and it was the first time, but it wouldn’t be the last time in my strange life.
As I wandered the elegant and expensive halls of the Executive Hotel, when Cee’s prom started, I found one main opening to the ballroom, then another, watching carefully the entire time. I stalked her carefully, noticing literally everything, from one entrance to another.
I circled, like a hungry vulture, watching my beloved and her so-called handsome “date” dance. To say I was jealous would be a monstrous understatement. Honestly, I wanted to tear him limb from limb, fancy tuxedo and all, skin from bloody bones, and snatch her for my very own from that loud and fancy place. If jealousy was visible as a light, I was as the Sun itself, bright and amazingly dangerous, noticing every move, every small even seemingly innocent gesture.
I lurked, for a long time, and the songs inevitably changed, but I never entered the ballroom, not once. I tried to be discreet, but being that I wasn’t in either a dress or tuxedo, I stuck out like an oversized sore thumb, I didn’t blend as well as I wanted to. Trying not to be ultimately noticed, I undoubtedly was. .
I was neither a hotel guest, nor a prom-goer. I wandered and stalked, restless, as dictated by the chemistry of my madness, while being stalked unbeknownst to myself. Hotel security had been aware of me for a good while, and would make their move sooner or later..
I watched Cee dance slowly with her beau, and my rage became like the fires of Hell itself, Satan Himself would have been proud to make me a wrathful demon back then.
My rage and jealousy was that powerful. Whatever it took, that’s what I was ready to do, crazy as it really was.
My younger self lingered, and observed, walked back and forth, and the music went on, to be forever inscribed in my long cursed memory . Little did I realize, as I watched, and stalked, I in turn was BEING observed and stalked, by humans paid to do such horrible things.
At this time, at 13 years old, I was yet a simple amateur at such deceptions, and those far better than myself took the lead. I know at one point, Cee noticed my presence, and that came out later , of course it did.
At one point I stopped into the restroom, and was looking for something that seemed important in my very deep pockets (as discussed in an earlier chapter, both Joseph and I always had amazingly deep pockets).
I ended up emptying both pockets on the bathroom counter. I wish I could remember exactly what I was looking for ,it seemed somehow important at the time, but the memory eludes me. Many things were laid out on the counter, matches, a folding knife, small metal puzzles (as was another obsession of mine) a mini rubiks cube, and two separate model rocket engines. Since I also had this odd model rocket hobby.
Chris shared this with me, and it stuck with me for a long time. I carried them as a force of habit, since I used to build them often. I had many very odd small strange objects in my pockets. All these weird objects were spread out on the bathroom counter, as I searched for the elusive thing I needed back then.
To the untrained eye, meaning to any and all who didn’t know about model rockets, these engines could easily be mistaken for actual explosive devices, and resembled much smaller versions of a stick of dynamite. This was my other mistake (besides actually being there of course), searching and emptying my pockets on a public restroom counter in this hotel.
I had made no actual threats, and attempted nothing dangerous to others, yet my being there, and what I was carrying damned me, and things quickly got out of control soon after that.
Total time in that hotel restroom was probably 15 minutes, and men kept coming in and out (it was a public restroom after all, very high traffic), and now I imagine at least one of them was a hotel employee, which I never actually noticed, but one of them certainly noticed me.
Eventually I found the important object, replaced everything and left the restroom. So being such a fancy Hotel, almost all the males were either in suits, or tuxedos, or at least semi-professional looking, as well as the hotel staff, I was none of these, and so I stuck out to an extreme I’m sure..
Many younger males were in tuxedos for the prom obviously, and in my dark cargo type pants, black t-shirt and zipped black sweat jacket with a hood, I didn’t exactly fit in with any of the local attire, I truly didn’t belong there, and I certainly looked like it.
On my next slow look into the ballroom, the lights seemed a bit dimmer, and I could recognize the song being played, it was “Eyes without a Face” by Billy Idol, and I noticed Cee slow dancing with her lucky date, of course I did. His hands were all over her, and she seemed to be fairly blissful.
If my psychotic jealousy had a pure single moment where violence was a possibility, that was certainly it. I felt a burning strength I had felt only once before, when the lunatic inside my mind was dealing with the older bully many years before. I could feel the Evil of a heartless demon inside, except it was because of my HEART that I was feeling this way.
I was one step away from actually entering, and tossing teen revelers aside like helpless ragdolls, with the phenomenal strength of madness, when Cee looked straight at me across the room, silhouetted as I was in the doorway; She simply stared for a minute, then quickly turned away with her tuxedoed partner dancing. She knew I was there for sure, and didn’t care one iota that I made such a wasted damned effort to be there personally. I was angry, psychotic, but also fully deflated in spirit. At that final moment, the rational captain in my mind took the wheel finally back to sanity.
Blessed rationality wrestled its way back into full control of my body, and I came to the most painful realization, a revelation, if you will. No matter what I did, I could have sent the entire room and its occupants straight to the gates of Hell, with her handsome date screaming in front, and it wouldn’t matter, she had no interest in me romantically, and never would.
I would either be ignored, or make myself monstrous to her eyes forever, no love was ever possible from her, not for me, never me. I looked one final time at her slow dancing, and then I was the one who turned away finally. “Time to go home”.. I thought in that moment, saddened, but somewhat sane again, the lunatic inside me had retreated, seemingly defeated (for now). Gone, but not forever.
As I turned away, preparing to head out, I noticed a strange and somewhat alarming sight down the far main red carpeted hall, far away from me, but getting closer. Two hotel security guards were walking my way, full security outfits, and they walked with purpose, at a brisk pace, and leading them directly in front was the largest muscle bound guy I had ever seen in person.
He had thinning blonde neck length blonde hair, kinda bouncy as he walked. He was amazingly tall, wide, with a strange blondish mustache, wearing a short sleeve white shirt that was almost absurdly tight on his bulging frame..
He was so tall, he towered over everyone in sight, and the guards looked like “mini” versions of themselves behind him. He didn’t just walk, he strode, and the others almost had to run to keep up. He was powerful, an immensely muscled human being. He kept beating his upper arms against each other, like he was trying to warm them up, I didn’t understand why at the time. If he wasn’t so intimidating, I might have actually laughed out loud, however, I sensed serious danger somehow, I was right.
He didn’t look like a security guard, but was obviously leading them, and could have eaten the entire hotel security team for breakfast without breaking a sweat.
What somewhat worried me after seeing all this, was as far away as they were, all three were staring straight at me, and every stride was getting them closer. I turned tail, just in case, and started heading the other way; I knew there was another small exit around the next corner. I never made it. .
Just as I arrived at the corner, within 10 feet of the glass exit door, I felt an unstoppable force grab the back of my neck; It was the blonde giant of course. His arm had the strength of God himself, completely irresistible. I struggled obviously, but I was a mere fly in his grasp. He turned me about, and I was suddenly held a few feet above the fancy red hotel carpeting, and held that way as I was propelled back down the long hall they came from.
It was like a totally uncontrollable flight for me, and it went by fast. We arrived at the far end of the hall, and I was literally thrown against the wall next to a soda machine, where I fell, and crumpled to the floor. Nothing seemed to be broken, but it easily could have been. At that moment I looked up, and saw this monster of a man towering above me, glaring down with extreme hate right in my eyes. He started yelling curse words at me left and right, but after the slam, I arose swiftly, and my full rage and insanity instantly returned in the form of a psychotic response towards this big obnoxious bastard of a giant.
One thing I’ve learned about madness, it knows NO fear during times like that. It only knows endless world ending rage, personal risk doesn’t even calculate. I leaped straight at him, landed one punch on his middle, then another, but attacking a stone wall might have been more effective. Suddenly strong arms grabbed me from both sides, and attempted to throw me to the floor, they failed.
I stood there struggling, a small 13 year old small and skinny boy, fighting off three large grown men..
They halfway subdued me, but I wouldn’t drop, just kept trying to attack the evil giant in front of me. My arm reached up in a final attempt to crush his hated throat. After I failed to reach it, he finally grabbed me with both arms and pinned me to the wall, and nothing I could do, my strength mattered not one whit against his strong body.
While this blonde muscled adonis held me like a vise, I heard the sounds of metal, my arms were put behind me, and cuffs were snapped in place, tightly! The click seemed quite final, I was “in the bag”, as they say in law enforcement.
I was dragged all the way to the front parking lot, in a serious rage fueled shouting match, between the monstrous muscular giant and myself. I was shouting at him, every curse word I could dream up, I threw my curses his way, and he shouted right back at me accordingly. At one point I broke free of the guards dragging me, and ran straight towards him, kicking, to no avail. He threw me back with his very long arms, before I was in my striking range.
I was loaded into the back of a police car, still raving and shouting, and then I finally noticed her. Cee was standing at the front entrance of the hotel talking to a cop, with her date of course, and kept looking at me in the car. Not a single tear was shed for me, just a stare and a confused shake of her head to whatever the cop was saying to her.,no other reaction. Of course her date had his arm around her, and I stopped looking over at them.
To top it off, both of the police officers were shaking the hand of the blonde giant, and seemed to be almost fawning over him. I had no clue who the Hell he was, but I knew he wasn’t a mere security guard. I’d find out soon enough who he was and why he was there, but not yet. Later though, in a very strange way and shocking way.
After I saw Cee’s reaction, or lack of, something permanently broke inside me, something important to my soul. Not only did I finally calm down, but a deadly coldness entered into my soul. This felt totally different from my insanity, and something I never had ever felt before.
I realized the world is a very cold place for some of us, and always will be. Why keep to goodness or any sense of honor, when humankind has none, it was all a cheat and a blatant scam, and most of normal society accepts it all as the gospel truth. I knew better then. That was the real turning point for me, a life changing moment truly.
My insanity had retreated, to be replaced by something far worse, a being who didn’t care anymore, no longer a slave to strong positive emotions like love or caring, they had left the building for good. No more true concern or empathy about any other beings, and if the world burned, so be it, I’d happily watch without a single tear shed, let it all go straight to Hell.
This was far worse than any passionate obsession, this was unemotional, calculating callousness, and colder than Buffalo during the Blizzard of 1977.
I would deal with things, never to feel love for anyone ever again, only myself, and in the meantime, my descent into true darkness was only merely beginning.
The police got into the car, looked at me and both shook their heads. One of them said “you’re in a LOT of trouble Boy”! They turned the ignition and drove me into a very dark future, for myself, and for many others to come as well. My worst tragedies were yet to come, though this was the very first.
