Hollow Heart full of shallow Dreams

2.

June 24 we finally hit reality and told each other we’re not living together nomore let alone her and her kids haven’t Ben wanting to be here that’s the one that hit but I knew it tbh for a while now but now it’s our time for me to stack my money and start looking for 1 bedrooms June 24 we finally hit reality and told each other we’re not living together nomore let alone her and her kids haven’t Ben wanting to be here that’s the one that hit but I knew it tbh for a while now but now it’s our time for me to stack my money and start looking for 1 bedrooms

3.Mind having racing thoughts ,the woman I want is she really the woman for me honestly all I wanna do is get married but I’m so scared to even go that route with her she wants me to change so much with in myself and I can admit it is hard sometimes I ask my self are we meant to be or are we actually soulmates but at the end of the day I don’t have a. Answer for that I’m just tired of hurting and we both know Forsure we don’t think we are moving in together after this lease is done Literally just tried to make me mad for what I don’t even know why take me there or even try when I didn’t do nothing mind racing don’t know what to think anymore day by day is this the woman I said I would marry

4.Literally tired of feeling like the outsider in this house or as she would call it the white sheep literally everytime were mad at each other that’s what I am the outside the whole house be against me like it’s literally all my fault meanwhile it’s not just my fault it’s both of ours but no just because we’re in a house with her kids it’s like everyone be against me when we’re mad at each other then she’s getting mad at me all the time literally multiple times a day soem of the shit don’t even make sense but expect me to be better to do better to react better but how how how when there’s always a problem with everything I do literally everything I say something it’s a problem o say something harsh it’s a problem I don’t agree with something it’s a problem she asked for me to put myself in her shoes but Dam how about for the moment just 10 seconds can u out yaself in my shoes to just see how the fuck I feel I literally feel like your headache your migraine but nah u don’t think about how that makes me feel ,yeah I’m tired of getting on ya nerves but literally feels like I’m walking on rice with u and I hate feeling that way I don’t know how to act around u I don’t know how to be myself anymore and you don’t see that I haven’t Ben being myself and I’m slowly but forsurly changing because I feel like me being myself is aggravating you and pissing you off but I can’t help who I am I’ve Ben this way all my life I use to love being so joking around u and making u laugh but lately when I do that you get upset but in the past that was never the case …WHAT AM I DOIN WRONG why am i your problem what did I do what can I do to fix it I wanna be myself but I feel like I really can’t it’s like I have to put on this mask around u and pretending to be someone I’m not I’m not always serious now I have to always be serious I’m a joking guy I’m a funny guy naturally and I can’t be that and it’s so fucked up literally this week told me your not my wife anymore basically told me in we just have to make it though these 5 months ,I don’t even know what to expect when these 5 months are over but I know forsure I have to be prepared for it because I don’t know what your gonna do but I know me nor you wanna go through this shit again another year earlier you got mad at me for trying to fix your neck and I completely understand I hurt you and I honestly didn’t mean to but you stayed mad at me for that now we’re just distancing from each other day by day and you don’t see it Time has came we’re it’s only her and her kids snd I knew it would just not this soon but that’s how it is when you date. Woman with kids everything isn’t forever I’ve learned that today.

5.

My life is not what I thought it would be with my wife I thought it would be happiness and time love and connection as well as affection but in reality I’ve Ben feeling lonely dating myself holding myself loving. Myself being what she would call the white sheep in this relationship and that don’t feel good and everyday I feel and think is it time for me to go maybe it’s time I left it alone my heart knows what it wasn’t but my mind doesn’t /After I learned to start talking about my problem ,is as quickly I learned to start keeping them to myself I don’t get no good out of it I just get a switch up or attitude I don’t get it .

6

Had a talk with my woman lastnight bout what might happen in January about us separating and sad to say what just happen 5 mins ago I think I have made up my mind in what I will end up doin .think I am goin to go my own separate way when this lease is done I wanna be happy and have a family and I don’t think I can actually get that here so my decision seems to be final

7.09-10-21 ..playing a part that isn’t my part I admit it feels weird almost if I’m living this fantasy life that isn’t mine ,my happiness hiding in the distance closed off by 2 steel walls and the hardest thing I don’t get is you don’t see how much it’s affecting me but is it to late she always wants to fix somthing but this can’t be fixed I’ve cried real tears to her but at the end anything that can be fixed and she said would fix just is not being fixed it’s like I’ll get her effort then she will stop trying , idk but I can’t hold it in anymore how I feel and my happiness matters but to her is it as important maybe or maybe not but as of the last story we will never know.

8.So September 11 and I’m just thinking and laying here and a lot of stuff don’t make sense to me snd I’ve Ben keeping it to myself ,the love of my life ,my heart pride and joy emotionally I’m over it I can honestly say I’m 85% done and over this relationship which means only 15% is making me stay and day by day it gets lower I love her but I don’t like what we have I use to love what we have and wanted a future but now I don’t I see stuff for what it is and what it will never be , I’ll never have that family I always wanted if I stay here nomatter how much love I give and nomatter what part in life I try to play I’ll never be a father in this house to kids that actually call me dad yes I know and see that they are her kids yeah I love them as if they was my own but reality always sits in and honestly I’ve Ben feeling like my lady don’t love me as much as she says she does snd that’s okay ✅ because them are her feelings but I notice I stop caring about a lot and u can’t see that ,that’s a problem sad to say but I’ve even Ben looking at houses just for me 😞.Literally I feel sick now the world is against me like this is shady and fucked up I don’t feel good but mean while I can’t touch u now literally just fuck me how about how do u feel I hope you feel better babe nothing. The 2nd time Literally I feel sick now the world is against me like this is shady and fucked up I don’t feel good but mean while I can’t touch u now literally just fuck me how about how do u feel I hope you feel better babe nothing in in 2 days we’re what I say is not important and I’m not feeling that , 9. that’s so disrespectful to me because I live and breathe off respect and if you can’t even respect me talking or. Listen to what I’m saying and act on the shit then sorry but I don’t need it at all and I won’t put up with it because I listen when your talking and I try my hardest to act on it but you literally don’t and I’m sick of it I’m sick of feeling like I’m talking to myself im tired of being stressed out I’m tired of it all and this shit needs to come to a end

9.sometimes love can be great sometimes it can also be a cancer ..kinda what I’m dealing with I wake up several days out of the week and I ask myself why am I allowing myself to be put through this there’s so much I don’t like nor agree with with in this house hold & with in this relationship but I choose to deal with it or also what you can say live through the bullshit at this point we’re just hyping each other up tryen force ourselves to stick it out but in reality do you want this do I want this see we don’t even know ,I call myself fixing the puzzles back together maybe so if or when we separate your just not alone and trust me I’m not stupid I know your not alone ,a lady always has a back up plan in case the 2 don’t work ,what gets me is I’ve tried and tried and I just be feeling like it’s not good enough it’s never enough then I feel like what the fuck am I even doin here idk maybe one day shit might get better ,(wishing) maybe the woman I’m with don’t relise what she’s lacking, everything she’s doin that’s causing me to slip out of her heart I know it’s bad to say but yeah I can admit I have Ben slowing backing off and letting her do her and I know that’s not cool but I guess you can call that me giving up and no it’s not what I want to do .I’ve just Ben looking at shit for what it’s not or what it’s never gonna be ,and in reality this will never be my family.