Part 1
By Tyrøne
1
He wakes up in a bathtub with a broken arm, a pink eye, a horrible stomachache, missing a kidney.
This was not his lucky day.
At least he is lying next to a naked beauty.
Or is she?
How can one tell?
When the poor corpse is missing a bloody head!
“Ah shit.”
Her body is top notch at the very least.
He looks around and slowly starts to sober up, becoming aware of his situation.
“Ah… shit!”
He puts his right hand on his wound.
He can feel the emptiness, where a kidney used to be.
“How did I get here?”
Indeed, how DID he get here?
2
Ajax Cheers was birthed while his mother was trashed on seven bottles of scotch.
I guess one could say he was born drunk.
“Yep. That’s me.”
His parents had intercourse while drunk, much like their parents who also had intercourse while drunk, exactly like THEIR parents who were ALSO completely drunk, and so on.
An entire generation of drunks.
However he chooses to live his life sober.
Well… partly sober.
He likes to drink a shot of his redbreast(which is his favorite brand of whiskey) everyday, just to keep it on the edge.
And maybe one more to keep it even more on the edge.
A…nd just another for the road.
Maybe one more because he isn’t quite feeling it yet.
He had a bad day yesterday, he deserves one last shot, he tells himself.
Although all days are bad days for him.
Okay this is the last one, he swears.
Maybe not.
Alright now THIS is the LAST one!
Or so I hoped.
He gulps the “last” shot down and after ten or more shots he goes back to sleep.
His mother calls.
“Ajax? Ajax are you still ASLEEP?! It’s TWO PM in the afternoon! Get your bloody arse up you lazy sack of shite! And for god’s sake, TAKE A SHOWER!”
She hung up.
His mother is a British woman, who always tells him to take a shower, every single time she calls him.
And I mean EVERY SINGLE TIME.
What is her deal?
She probably lost her mind, ever since she was forced by the authorities to restrict her drinking habits, due to the fact that she wouldn’t stop fucking her neighbors’ horses.
She has officially made her way to her local police watchlist.
Good for her.
She lives on a farm in the countryside.
Ajax however, is a man of the city.
Nothing like all the streets of L.A. that reek with an infinite scent of booze and gunpowder, filled with various gangs of mafia and of course, crackheads.
Don’t forget the crackheads.
Many, many crackheads.
Thousands upon thousands of wasted, lifeless, hopeless, disgusting, sorry excuses of men, the crackheads.
Simply marvelous!
3
It is the thirty-seventh of October.
“Why do I feel like the reader wouldn’t understand that?”
What, you think our book will be published across dimensions, and one or more of those other dimensions will have calendars with less than forty five days each month?
“Maybe.”
That sounds ridiculous!
“You sound ridiculous.”
Hush now, peasant!
“Rude-much.”
Oh my condolences, but your ideology seems to be rather STUPID.
“At least I have one.”
That… is true.
Oh whatever!
He jumps out of his dirty, dirty couch, picks up his gorgeous all black 454 Casull, and puts it in his gun holster.
Then he puts on his overcoat, wears his gloves and compliments his looks in front of his mirror.
He is READY for work!
Except he isn’t.
“Shit, I forgot to eat.”
Of course he did.
He takes it all off, and opens the fridge.
Oh dear.
This is going to be a long day.
He takes a long hard look at the fridge then puts his head inside.
“Shiiiiiiiiiiit.”
He likes that word very much doesn’t he?
He pulls his head out and stands still looking at the fridge once more.
Oh no!
What’s this?!
The fridge is EMPTY!
Looks like our protagonist must hit the market.
“I hate the sight of an empty fridge.”
You and me both, my friend.
He puts on his pajamas and goes to the local market, not so far away from his block.
You had already taken off your pajamas, and yet decided to put them back on?
You could’ve worn a proper outfit y’know?
“I ain’t wearing no proper outfit just to walk to the market.”
Old habits die hard I suppose.
“I wish SOMEone’s old habit of narrating my entire fucking life would die sooner than later.”
*cough* *cough* You DO know that I am THE narrator of your story correct?
Without my narrating your story would not BE worth writing.
“Yeah, yeah. Now narrate me buying bacon so we can get on to the next page already. I’m starving!”
You know what?
I won’t.
He goes back to his apartment.
“So you skipped that part right ahead huh? You’re already ruining my story and it’s barely even fucking started.”
Would you like me to stop?
“Nah, keep going. A book character that tells his story himself whilst it’s happening just doesn’t work. Although I COULD just narrate it in past tenses myself but… you’re alright I guess. Not gonna lie though, your British accent DOES annoy me a bit.”
Ajax your narration wouldn’t be worth shit.
Nobody is interested in reading about an idiot buying bacon.
And for my accent… FUCK YOU.
You sound like a bloody L.A. thug who can never sleep!
“Can’t argue with that.”
Indeed, now eat!
The bloody fourth wall is thin enough already.
“Uh-huh.”
He bakes and eats some bacon.
Are you satisfied?
Can we go on?
He burps.
“Yes.”
Disgusting.
He dresses up, kicks his apartment door open, and is ready to rumble!
Ajax is a hitman.
Not your regular professional, highly trained, rich, hitman in a black suit, holding a suitcase full of whatever gadgets they use, killing governors and other quote on quote, important people.
A lousy, lazy, not so well dressed, can barely pay his rent one, with only a revolver to get his job done, killing cheating husbands for their angry wives, the poor bastards, and other contracts involving idiotic grudges and gangs wanting to see each other’s members torn apart.
He was never a man of high class.
“Takes one to know one.”
Of course!
I wouldn’t be here, narrating YOUR story if I were.
“Psh. Whatever.”
4
He walks outside to see a giant ant walking over the city.
The streets shake as it steps forward.
“Another one of those days huh? We just can’t take a break from this shit can we?”
I hear there are no giant bugs in Atlantis.
Maybe you should move there sometime.
“I’m not letting those witches cast their fucking spells on me. People just don’t look any good with gills. And the mermaids are fucking useless too! What’s a pretty gal worth if they have no legs to have something in between?”
Giant bugs it is then.
“Wonderful.”
At least it’s an ant.
Remember that time you had to fight off a spider?
“Ah yuck! I do NOT want to remember.”
Too late.
“Fuck’s sake, I hate bugs SO much.”
Most of them are pretty harmless.
Except they are so huge they cause earthquakes sometimes.
“We live in a shitty world.”
Who is writing this crap anyway?
“Aren’t you?”
Of course not!
I’m simply the narrator.
“Oh. Yeah, I forgot.”
Anyhow, enough wasting time.
You have a contract.
“Indeed I do!”
Ignoring the ant, which now had gone far away, he starts walking towards his destination.
In his way a young man with very beautiful eyes waves his hand at him.
Unsure if he knows the young man he waves back with a shockingly sincere smile.
“What was the deal with him?”
I don’t know.
“I like him. For… some reason.”
Strange.
He has a contract with a member of the losers(that is literally their gang name) to kill his brother who unfortunately joined the suckers(another actual gang name) and make it look like he died in a gang war.
The contractor goes under the nickname of three jays.
Ajax never takes up contracts with people he doesn’t like.
He prioritises his guts over money.
Frankly he prioritises his guts over anything.
Although to his defense, his gut HAS saved him from countless not so ordeal situations.
He liked three jays upon his first impression.
They spoke for hours in a cafe.
They’ve become good friends ever since.
Three(as Ajax calls him) told him the reason behind his nickname which was the fact that his full name is Johnny Jhang John.
Quite funny isn’t it?
He offered Ajax some decent money to kill his brother Jack Jhang John(Jesus, the names!).
Of course, I do not understand why anyone would like someone who wants his OWN brother dead, just because of gang rivalries, but of course the bloodthirsty nutsacks that Ajax and Three both are, they’ve come to like each other quite a lot.
He is on his way to Jack’s hideout downtown.
He sees a big disgusting looking, sorry excuse of a building.
“That’s it.”
Of course it’s that one.
Why wouldn’t it be the worst building in the entirety of Los Angeles?
He walks in.
He’s been told that the hideout is in the parking lot.
I’m surprised this building even has a parking lot.
He looks at the elevator.
A very old and rusty elevator.
Maybe even the oldest, most terrible looking elevator I’ve seen.
Scratch that.
It definitely is!
He feels like it would fall right off if he were to even step one foot inside.
He decides against it and takes the stairs.
Good choice.
That elevator can literally kill him.
“Aww, so you don’t wish me dead for once. Someone’s softening up!”
Ugh!
Don’t get used to it.
As he walks down the stairs he hears men speaking.
He takes a cover behind a wall and takes a peak.
Four gang members with beers in their hands, debating the existence of god.
One is bald.
One is wearing a red bandanna.
Another is black.
And the other shouts at them: “you stupid fucking idiots! Of course god exists! He’s gonna send all of y’all to hell! You better pray.”
He matched the prescriptions given for Jack.
Ajax hides his gun in his right coat pocket and walks in on the conversation.
“Lemme guess? You’re Christian?”
“Yes. Wait, who are…”
“Y’know, how you guys picture god is SO unimaginative. At least the Hindus mixed animals up in there, yours is just a naked old man in the sky. A blind donkey could tell it’s made up.”
“Who THE FUCK are you?”
“Yeah! Who the hell are you, punk?! How’d ya get here? This is OUR fucking turf!” Says the bald fellow.
“Get the fuck outta here, before we bust some caps in your head fag!” Says the black fellow.
“WOAH there, calm down boys, I’m just a neighbor passin’ by. No need to get all worked up, I just wanna get to my car.”
Jack replies: “you see a car around here punk?”
Ajax looks around the empty parking lot.
No cars to be seen around.
Ajax you idiot!
I would facepalm right now, but I’ve been narrating so long, I don’t know where my hands even are.
My whole body feels numb!
“No one owns a car in this building, fool!” Says the one with a red bandanna.
“Alright fellas, you got me. I’m no neighbor of yours. I’m a messenger. And I have a message for Jacky boy here.”
“Oh yeah? What’s that?” Says Jack.
Ajax pulls out his revolver and shoots Jack right in the forehead.
The lousy drunk he is, at least he’s always been a good shot.
The bald guy rushes towards Ajax and twists his right arm.
Ajax punches his teeth out with his left.
The black man grabs an AK from below a table.
Ajax shoots him in the guts before he can fire.
The bandanna guy breaks his beer bottle and rams it into Ajax’s right thigh.
Ajax hits him in the head with the back of his gun.
What a shit show!
Truly a bad scenario.
Ajax proceeds to shoot them all in their faces several times, as he moans through the pain.
Suddenly there is silence.
There stands Ajax in the middle of four dead gangsters with a bleeding thigh.
Having done his job, he doesn’t feel anymore satisfied than when he was still outside the building.
Did it all look like they shot themselves over bad business?
He isn’t concerned.
Neither will the police be.
He wraps the man’s red bandanna around his wound and rides the elevator up as it makes horrible noises.
Then he walks outside the building with his limping right leg.
I would feel bad for him but he chose this profession knowing full well how dangerous it can get.
So it’s his own arse.
5
“Zzzzzzzzzzzzz”
His alarm clock goes off.
The sound is very annoying.
“Zzzzzzzzzzzzz”
Ajax?
“Zzzzzzzzzzzz”
Ajax get up!
“Zzzzzzzzzzzz”
Get your bloody arse up Ajax!!
“Zzzzzzzzzzzz”
What a lazy bastard!
“Zzzzzzzzzzzz”
GET UP!
“Uh what time is it?”
You’re late for your meeting with Three!
Don’t you want to get paid?
You killed four men for fuck’s sake!
“Oh… yeah… that.”
He turns around and starts snoring again.
“Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz”
Ugh… get up you fool!!!
“Alright, alright, I’m getting up, jeez!l
You’re LATE.
He takes a shower, then limps around his apartment to eat cereal.
His telephone rings.
“Yellow?”
“Ajax! Ajax why haven’t you taken a shower yet?!”
It’s his mother.
“I just came out of the shower mom.”
“No you haven’t! I can smell your filth from here!”
Poor Ajax, no wonder his father died of a heart attack.
Or was it his drinking?
“It was both.”
Oh?
“Ajax, who are you talking to, you silly boy?! Please take a shower.”
“Okay mom, bye.”
He hangs up on her.
Munching on cereal, he thinks about suicide.
You wouldn’t cut this story short will you?
“I might as well.”
Not yet.
“Fine…”
6
He meets up with Three at their usual cafe.
“So… how did it go?” Says Three, sipping on his strong latte.
“He’s dead. You’ll never hear from him again.”
“Did it look natural?”
“As natural as a chicken’s ass.”
Three chuckles.
“Thanks a bunch buddy. Here’s to the blood of our enemies. May it all pour down into hell with them.”
They raise their cups and drink.
“Cheers!” They both speak at the same time.
Ajax never had an enemy.
His only enemy is the back breaking destitution of poverty.
Not that he doesn’t like it.
He was never the type to work under labor.
“Oh, and, here’s your reward buddy.”
Three hands him a role of fifty bucks.
I have a strange feeling that this amount of money would be useless in the future.
But as of now, in 1969, which is a very nice year might I add, it’s good money.
“So, have you heard of the beast who apparently fucked the daughter of the mayor?” Three continues.
“What?”
“Yeah, isn’t it crazy? The mayor’s daughter slept around and got pregnant, but says it was the work of a two penised beast! And the mayor bought it! He has put a ten thousand dollar reward for whoever finds the beast and brings it to him, dead or alive. I mean, how do they come up with this stuff?”
Suddenly Ajax feels an urge to capture the beast.
“Tell me more.”
“Really you hadn’t heard? Well there are tons of rumors around it. Some say they’ve sighted the beast right here in California, on Hollywood boulevard. But it’s just rumors. You know how people are. Their lives are so boring they’d come up with anything to make it more interesting. Like, a two penised beast?! REALLY? That’s just absurd.”
We live in a world with mermaids and seamen in Atlantis, giant bugs are everywhere, witches commit all kinds of crimes around the world, Zulk turned out to be real AND he was a sexual predator who fucked one hundred and thirteen women to death before he was bombed and imprisoned by the military, the Second World War was caused by an alien invasion, the aliens hated Jews for no apparent reason, burnt the poor devils with giant laser guns, and THAT is what he calls absurd?
“I don’t know Three, I just got a hunch that the monster is real. And my gut NEVER betrays me. I might pay Hollywood a visit.”
“Whatever you wish, man. Sounds like a buncha bullshit to me.”
“Wanna come?”
“Nah, I ain’t wasting my time on myths. I got drugs to move. Waiter! Can I get a paycheck?”
And so our protagonist goes on his quest in search of the two penised beast.
But was the beast naked or did it wear pants like Zulk?
Are the two penises really the most interesting things about the beast?
Or is that the best people could come up with?
“I guess we’ll find out.”
“Who’re you talking to Ajax?”
“Oh, I was just reminding myself of something, don’t worry ‘bout it. See ya.”
“Okay bye! I’ll hit ya up when I want someone else dead.”
“Do so.”
7
Here we are at Hollywood boulevard and someone is already asking Ajax for change.
There are never enough homeless people in L.A. are there?
Poor bastards.
“Sorry bud, it ain’t your lucky day. I got no loose change on me.”
He looks around but doesn’t even know where, or what to look for.
Except for two penises of course.
But that’s not the best clue to go off of is it?
I mean, are they both between the beast’s legs or are they apart in separate places?
Are they hairy?
Are they big or are they small?
Do they look the same?
Does the beast also have two ballsacks?
What even is the meaning of life and why are we looking for a BLOODY BEAST WITH TWO PENISES?
“That’s enough!”
Oops, my apologies.
Go on, look around.
The idiot he is, he goes around asking people about the beast.
“Excuse me ma’am. Have you seen a beast with two penises around here?”
“What?! Are you mad?!”
“Nevermind. Excuse me sir, have you seen two loose penises around here?”
“The hell?”
He walks by.
“Madam, have you seen a two penised monster?”
“Well that’s a weird way to hit on people. Thirty bucks for head, sixty for anal, suga’ you got a ride?”
“Nah baby I meant that literally. I’m looking for a beast with two penises.”
“Psycho.”
He sees two policemen on the other side of the street.
He walks to them and starts asking questions.
“Excuse me gentlemen, have you seen a two penised monster nearby?”
I would facepalm SO HARD right now!
“What’re ya on about?” Says one of them with a country accent.
“What… um, did you… num, say?” Says the other while munching on a donut.
“A two penised beast. Have you seen one around here?”
OH, MY, GOODNESS, Ajax!
“Have you used any drugs lately sir?”
“No, I’m telling you! There’s a two penis…”
“Sir, I’m gonna have to check you for drugs.”
The policeman checks Ajax’s pockets.
He feels his gun holster under his coat.
He pulls out his revolver.
“What’s this?”
“That’s my revolver.”
“You got a permit for it?”
“Yeah but I don’t have it on me right now, I’m afraid.”
“Well that’s no good is it?”
“Indeed… it’s not. Num num.” says the other cup while gulping the lasts of his donut down and proceeding to lick his fingers.
Not even cops have any manners these days.
“Look fellas, I’m tryina find the beast who fucked the mayor’s daughter. There’s ten thousand dollars on the line here. So if you excuse me, I have business to attend to.”
“We’re gonna have to confiscate your weapon until you bring us your permit.”
The other nods his head in agreement while still licking his fingers.
“No can do, fellas. I’m finding that two dicked asshole today.”
Ajax kicks his revolver out of the policeman’s hand and grabs it in the air.
He then starts to run away as fast as he can.
“Hey! Stop! In the name of the law!”
The cop starts running after him while the other turd walks slowly still licking his dumb fingers.
I can only hope Ajax won’t end up in jail by tonight.
The cop shouts “do you want to go home in a body bag?” Three times in a row, each time in a different tone, as he runs after Ajax.
Why?
I do not know.
Ajax reaches an intersection.
“Left, right or front?”
RIGHT!
Go right!
He runs to the left.
Why you little… I said right!
Are you deaf?!
“I’m in panic right now! SHUT THE FUCK UP!”
“Look! The jackass is talking to himself! He totally IS on drugs!” The cop shouts towards the other cop who is far behind licking his whole hand.
What the fuck?
He might as well eat his hand by now.
“Not helping!”
Oh… right!
I almost forgot about you Ajax.
Go down that alleyway!
He runs down the alleyway.
It’s a dead end.
Maybe that wasn’t the best advice I could give.
“Fuuuuuuuuuck!”
Calm down Ajax.
Do NOT shoot the cops alright?
We can resolve this in a peaceful manner, WITHOUT going to jail, y’hear?
“I WILL shoot if they do!”
He awaits the arrival of the first cop as he sweats in stress.
Nothing.
A minute passes.
Still nothing.
Nobody walks by.
No sounds to be heard.
As if the whole world has gone completely silent.
Fairly nice if you ask me.
Very peaceful.
“What the hell? What happened? Where are they?”
Let’s find out shall we?
8
He walks out of the alleyway.
The streets are empty.
“What the fuck just happened to all the people?”
I have no idea.
He sees a bar with a flashing sign that says “bam-booze-all” across the street.
He walks in.
There are some men with one hell of a giant sitting on the right side of the bar, while a bunch of monkeys and one hell of a gorilla are sitting on the left side.
They all have weapons on their tables, looking at each other tensely.
However the monkeys’ weapons look like toys.
He sits at a booth right in the middle of the bar.
The jukebox is playing a song.
♪do any of you shitheads even KNOW what you’re talkin’ about♪
♪cause I don’t♪
♪cause I don’t♪
♪cause I don’t know what I’m talkin’ about♪
♪and if you♪
♪and if you♪
♪and if you♪
♪and if you♪
♪if ya FOUND out what I’m sayin’! Please tell me about it♪
“Man Pelvis sings some weird shit.”
Yes.
Also, who names their child Pelvis?
That’s bloody stupid.
It sounds like a cheap knock off of another singer who’d be named Elvis or something.
♪vivaaaaaaaa lost fellas!♪
♪vivaaaaaaaa lost fellas!♪
♪I said vivaaaaaaaa lost fellas!♪
♪oh vivaaaaaaaa lost fellas!♪
“I have a feeling we’re lost.”
Yeah no shite Sherlock!
“That phrase is overused.”
So is everything that’s about to happen.
“Huh?”
We should get out of here.
This place is strange.
“By “we” you mean ME right?”
Oh whatever, let’s go!
I feel danger here.
“I ain’t goin’ nowhere. I’m thirsty.”
Alright then, just make it quick!
He waves at the waitress.
The waitress is also a monkey.
Only with a maid suit and glowing red lipstick on it’s lips.
I forgot to mention the rest of the monkeys are indeed naked.
It makes monkey noises and throws a bottle of wine at Ajax.
He ducks and it hits the big fellow on the right side in the nose.
Bullseye!
The big guy doesn’t even flinch or at least close his eyes.
The bottle shatters into pieces as if hitting a rock.
Then the un-injured big man shouts and both sides grab their weapons.
What’s all the fuss about?
It didn’t even leave a bruise on the guy.
They start shooting at each other.
HOLY HELL!
The toy guns aren’t toys!
They shoot LASERS!
I thought the aliens left with all their technology.
Turns out some monkeys stole some.
I guess.
It seems our protagonist is stuck in the middle of a Mexican standoff.
An alien Mexican standoff?
Monkey’s Mexican standoff with alien weapons?
“Shiiiiiiiiiit, WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO NOW?!”
Well for starters, take a cover!
♪vivaaaaaaaa lost fellas!♪
He takes cover behind a bench.
♪vivaaaaaaaa lost fellas!♪
“SHIT SHIT SHIT! Why did you suggest I go up that FUCKING weird alleyway! This is YOUR fault!”
♪vivaaaaaaaa lost fellas!♪
Oh excuse me!
♪vivaaaaaaaa lost fellas!♪
How was I supposed to know we’ll end up in a Mexican standoff between gangsters and some bloody monkeys with ACTUAL space weapons?!
♪vivaaaaaaaa lost fellas!♪
“WELL I’M FUCKED!”
♪vivaaaaaaaa lost fellas!♪
Not yet.
♪vivaaaaaaaa lost fellas!♪
Move your head to the right, and I MEAN RIGHT this time!
♪vivaaaaaaaa lost fellas!♪
He moves his head to the right and dodges a laser thing going right through the booths.
♪vivaaaaaaaa lost fellas!♪
He feels the… bullet?
♪vivaaaaaaaa lost fellas!♪
Laser bullet?
♪vivaaaaaaaa lost fellas!♪
“Ray! Laser ray!”
♪vivaaaaaaaa lost fellas!♪
Who cares!
♪vivaaaaaaaa lost fellas!♪
He feels the laser pass right by his left ear.
♪vivaaaaaaaa lost fellas!♪
Strong stuff.
♪vivaaaaaaaa lost fellas!♪
How did a bunch of monkeys get their hands on these things anyway?
♪vivaaaaaaaa lost fellas!♪
And who taught them how to shoot?
♪vivaaaaaaaa lost fellas!♪
Jump out of the booth Ajax!
♪vivaaaaaaaa lost fellas!♪
NOW!
♪vivaaaaaaaa lost fellas!♪
He jumps out right before the gorilla and the giant man rush each other, falling on his table and breaking it as they wrestle each other and shout.
♪vivaaaaaaaa lost fellas!♪
They both roar like gorillas.
♪vivaaaaaaaa lost fellas!♪
A monkey grabs Ajax by his collar and punches him in the right cheek.
♪vivaaaaaaaa lost fellas!♪
He reaches for something to use as a weapon on the floor and grabs a shoehorn.
♪vivaaaaaaaa lost fellas!♪
He hits the damn monkey with the shoehorn and shoves the shoehorn into the monkey’s throat so hard it cuts through.
♪vivaaaaaaaa lost fellas!♪
Really?
♪vivaaaaaaaa lost fellas!♪
A shoehorn?
♪vivaaaaaaaa lost fellas!♪
Well at least he didn’t use a spoon.
♪vivaaaaaaaa lost fellas!♪
Spoons are overrated.
♪vivaaaaaaaa lost fellas!♪
Ugh!
♪vivaaaaaaaa lost fellas!♪
We get it Pelvis! We’re lost, WE KNOW! PLEASE SHUT YOUR MOUTH!
♪vivaaaaaaaa lost fellas!♪
Somebody turn that bloody thing off for heaven’s sake!
♪vivaaaaaaaa lost fellas!♪
The bartender kicks a door open and walks in holding a shotgun.
♪vivaaaaaaaa lost…♪
He shoots the jukebox.
OH THANK YOU!
MY BLOODY EARS!
The bartender aims towards everyone.
Oh fuck I spoke too soon!
GET OUT OF THERE AJAX!
IMMEDIATELY!!
The bartender starts shooting people one by one.
Ajax jumps around like a monkey trying to dodge the bullets.
Jump in front of the expensive bottles of champagne!
He does.
The bartender aims towards him but doesn’t have the heart to shoot, breaking his precious champagne.
He shoots everybody until Ajax is the only one alive.
“So… can I have a drink?”
The bartender sighs.
“Sure, whaddaya want buckeroo?”
“A shot of redbreast would be nice.”
“Wut?”
“A shot of redbreast.”
“You want to drink from a… red breast?”
“It’s a brand!”
“We don’t have that fancy schmuck here.”
“Guess I’ll take some whiskey then, no water.”
“Comin’ right up!”
He chugs the shot down and pays his bill.
Then he walks out of the bar.
It’s nighttime.
And the streets are busy, full of people again.
What now?
“I’m going home to rest.”
Today has been a very strange day.
9
Standing at the door to his apartment he hears cat noises coming from inside.
“Meow!”
Wait, it sounds like a woman trying to mimic the sound of a cat.
“Did I leave the window open?”
I doubt it.
He opens the door.
“MEOW.”
The sound is coming from the couch.
He takes a look.
There is a cat behind the couch.
Wai…t a bloody minute!
That's no cat!
That’s a lady in a cat costume!
A bloody furry!
“What’s a damn furry?”
No good, that’s what it is!
The girl wiggles around purring.
“Well she looks fine! Don’t mind if I do!”
NO!
That cat, err… cat-lady is NOT what she seems!
You DO NOT want to have sex with HER!
SHE IS NO GOOD!
THROW HER OUT!
THROWWW HER OUT NOWWW!!
“Okay, okay, geez! Sorry babe, you gotta go.”
The furry bitch jumps around looking sad.
THROW HER THE FUCK OUT AJAX!
I’M NOT TELLING YOU AGAIN!
“Welp, out you go, sexy cat-lady.”
He grabs her and throws her out of his apartment.
She makes threatening cat noises and leaves.
Finally, for once you actually listened to me.
“What can I say? My gut couldn’t trust her.”
Sure, sure.
Now go to sleep!
I’m tired.
“Wait, why don’t YOU go to sleep then?”
I can’t.
Time simply fast forwards for me to da… well, more often afternoon when you wake up, after you fall asleep.
“Oh.”
Yeah… don’t think about it.
10
The sound of his telephone ringing wakes him up.
“Who is this? And why the fuck did you call so early in the morning?! You better have a good reason fucker!”
“Sir, it’s four PM in the afternoon.”
“Don’t care! Whaddaya want?”
“I hear you’re looking for the beast.”
“What beast?”
“Two penises.”
“Oh… that… yeah, so what?”
“I might have a tip for you on where to find it.”
“MIGHT? What’s your name sonny?”
“I’m Blue Da ba dee da ba die.”
“WHAT?”
“I’m Blue Da ba dee da ba die.”
“That your first name?”
“No sir, that is my full name. Blue, Da ba dee da ba die.”
“So, your dad was called?”
“Axel F. Da ba dee da ba die.”
“You’re playing games with the wrong man here son. I’m not to mess with.”
“I know you’re not. I’m trying to help you here.”
“Spell that.”
“A X E L, F, D A B A D E E D D A B…”
Such horrible names.
“Nevermind, just tell me whatcha got?”
“I can’t.”
“Why not?”
“It’s confidential.”
“Then why the fuck are ya wastin’ my time?”
“Give me your address, I’ll come and tell you in person.”
“Uh-huh, a…nd how can I trust you?”
“With all due respect sir, I’m your only lead on the matter.”
“Good point, ya got a pen?”
“Yessir.”
“Write it down.”
I have a feeling you’ve made a wrong choice here.
“Oh what do you know! I NEED to find that beast!”
“Uh sir?”
“Oh sorry, keep writing…”
11
An hour of him sitting on the couch watching TV while scratching his balls passed by.
Make that TWO hours.
The doorbell rings.
He gets up and goes to the door.
“Who is it?”
Ajax, be careful.
I just heard a clicking noise.
“Shit. You too huh?”
He jumps out of the way of his door.
Shots leave bullet holes in the door as someone breaks it open.
I TOLD YOU THAT WAS A BAD IDEA!
“QUITE! No time for debates right now!”
He rushes towards his gun which he always leaves on his coffee table in front of the couch.
The windows break and people holding shotguns and SMGs jump in while he grabs his revolver.
He runs to his room and takes cover next to the door.
The telephone rings.
He has put his telephone in his room for easy access.
He picks up the telephone right next to him with his left hand.
“Ajax! Ajax what are you doin’? Why do I hear loud noises from your house?”
“People are breaking into my house to probably kill me mom!”
Probably?
The way they shoot I’d say definitely.
“Ajax! You NEED to take a shower Ajax!”
“Not now mom!” He says as he peaks out the door trying to shoot some peeps with his right hand.
“Bullocks! There’s always time for hygiene! I didn’t raise you to be a filthy boy!”
“I AM GETTING SHOT AT MOM!!”
The sound of the shots are too loud.
I feel as though I’m going deaf.
How Ajax handles the very loud noises AND his mother screaming through the phone in his left ear, is beyond me.
“But that’s no excuse! You need to take a shower…”
He throws the phone at someone who tries to rush into the room.
He gets shot in his left shoulder.
“UH! FUCK! FUCK ME!”
I should’ve insisted until he didn’t give his address to some random Blue guy on the phone.
He was too blinded by the need to catch that beast, to listen to his gut.
You’re bleeding Ajax.
Figure out what to do, now!
You can’t just shoot people here forever.
And I have a feeling that there are A LOT more of them coming.
“You’re right. Time for plan B.”
Ajax you don’t HAVE a plan B!
“Here goes nothin’!”
WAIT!
WHAT ARE YOU…
NO DON’T!!!
He jumps out of his bedroom window.
“Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa…”
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
What happened?
Are you okay Ajax?!
AJAX?
AJAX?!
“I’m… fine…”
Oh, you FOOL, you almost gave me a heart attack!
“Whadda you care? You can just narrate someone else’s story when I'm dead, dipshit!”
Well… that’s true… but… anyways how’s your shoulder?
“Not any better than before. Where are we?”
It seems he has fallen on a full garbage truck.
Dumb luck.
“Well at least the trash is soft. As horrible as it smells. I guess I really DO need a shower now.”
Ajax, you need a medic!
Your shoulder is bleeding.
“Oh yeah… I’ll wrap the bandanna around it for now. My leg doesn’t need it anymore.”
I guess we can take a breather.
For now.
But where will this garbage truck go?
Tune in next week to find out!
“What, is this a TV show now?”
Oh I’m just playing around!
“Don’t.”
And that’s a wrap for this episode!
“DON’T.”
