Tears

" The most beautiful smile hides the greatest pain"

"Hey. Aeyla!" As I turned to the source of the voice that called me, I saw the curly black hair of my friend. "You didn't reply to messages." Her lips formed a pout as she looked at me with feign anger.

"I'm sorry Em. Slept early last night." I tried my best to ignore the speeding up of my heartbeat and gave her a sheepish smile, trying my best to look apologetic. "Fine. But you owe me a vitagen." She huffed, buying my act. "I'll buy you two." Her eyes brightened at my words and wasted no time to drag me to the food stall in front of our school canteen.

As soon as she turned her back to me, my smile disappeared. If people were to pay attention to me, they would note that I look like I haven't slept in days. There were some truths in that. I haven't been sleeping well these days. Since the incident, I haven't been living like a normal human being at all.

Though my family and friends doesn't notice it at all.

I broke out of my thoughts when I heard Em talking to me again. "We should quickly buy the drinks and meet up with the rest. They went ahead and reserve a table at the canteen." I nod my head in agreement. Though the canteen was spacious, it wasn't enough to accommodate all the students.

After we bought our drinks, we made our way to our friends sitting at one of the many tables in the canteen. I fought back a sigh at the site.

Guess I have to pretend again.

I forced a smile on my face and crinkle the corner of my eyes, trying to genuinely look happy as I greet them.

"Hey guys. How was class earlier." I asked as I sat at the table with Em. As soon as I asked them, I heard groans echoing. "It was horrible. Ms. Evlyn kept on going about electricity. I dozed off about 15 minutes into class!" Ifa, one of my friends, was the first one to speak. The others quickly joined in to agree.

My circle of friends consist of Em, Ifa, Hanna, J, Lisha, Riti and Shan. I am in a separate class with all of them. It was tough when I found out that I won't be in the same class with any of them. I depend on them or maybe to be more precise, they're all I have.

They all look closer to each other. Feels like I'm not suppose to be here.

I forced a a laugh and eat the lunchbox my mum has prepared. Ah, it's fried rice again. I struggled to take a bite, trying to ignore the nauseous feeling that creeped up in me.

Come on, a few more bites. Its the only meal you'll eat today.

But no matter how much I tried, I could only eat about 5 spoons of rice before closing the lunchbox. I was aware of the emptiness I felt in my stomach but I ignore it.

You're fat enough. My hands shook as the thought crossed my mind. Calm down! They're gonna notice it.

As I pack my lunch box, I heard a concerned voice. "You're done already? You barely ate." I look up to see Hanna, her eyes filled with concern, showing clearly that she disapproves my actions.

Sweet Hanna, always concerned for others. But she won't understand. Nobody does.

So I replied, "Yeah, ate a lot in the morning. I'm stuffed." My hands rubbing my stomach, trying to act like I'm actually full as I gave her a short laugh. Hanna gave me a nod and went back to eating.

By now, my fast heartbeat was simply too hard to ignore. My breath started to get heavier as I felt the familiar suffocation.

I have to go. They're going to notice. I need it. I need it now.

I forced myself to look calm as stand up to leave the table. "Hey guys, sorry but I have to go now. Just remembered I haven't done some works for the next class." I apologised to them as I forked up some excuses. They pouted but let me go on my way.

Reaching for my lunchbox, I turned around and walked away from them. After I'm quite a distance from them, I picked up my pace and hurried to my classroom. I sat down at my desk and instantly reached under the table, searching for the familiar cold metal. Soon, I felt it. The paper blade. Having it in my hands instantly calmed me down just a tad bit. But it wasn't enough. I could still hear the frantic heartbeat in my ears, my breath still ragged and my hands are now sweaty.

Just a few. I'll do a few. I gripped the blade tighter and brought it to my arms.

Not deep enough to bleed but deep enough to be painful.

I chanted in my head as I used the blade to draw lines on my arms, making sure that I was discrete enough to not be noticed by anyone else. As soon as I felt the pain, everything stops. The frantic heartbeat, the ragged breathing, the sweaty hands, the overdrive of my thoughts. Everything. Relief flooded through me as I made few more lines. 5 lines to be exact. Putting down the blade, I looked at the white lines that covered my arm. I pulled down my sleeves to cover the lines that soon will turn red and ugly.

They'll fade away in a couple of hours. No one will notice. Like always.

My breathing has now calmed down as I put on my usual mask again. My lips instantly form a smile, not too big, not too small. The crinkle at the corner of my eyes to look genuine and a laugh that I had practiced to every day.

Perfect.

I thought as I ready myself to get through the rest of the day.

Just like normal. Bear through it for a few more hours and you'll be in your room. Safe and away from other people.

Yes. Just a few more hours until I can put down this mask.

Until I can break.