The first letter
Monday, August 24, 2020
My love,
I miss you so fucking much. You don’t even want to know what I would do to just go back in time and make everything different. Even if we were just our normal close friends, I would be happy. But then again, I think it would hurt a little too much to love you from a far and only as a friend. If I were able to go back in time, I would change how I acted around you so much. Looking back I was so fucking insecure, closed up and annoying as shit. I was someone I wasn’t and someone that I hated. I’ve changed so much since the last time we really talked. I just want to tell you everything that’s happened, the good and the bad. I would change the way that I was insecure about my body. How I wouldn’t send you the pictures that I thought I looked good in. I didn’t act like your girlfriend or whatever we were. I think that if we were to go back in time, one thing that I could have done better was to give you everything you wanted, even if I didn't want it.
I never tell my family about boys. You are the only boy I’ve ever considered telling my family about. Sure they know you as my friend but not more.
I wish we had gotten to hang out. It's honestly so stupid that I love you this much and we have never hung out just the two of us. Who even does that, loves someone so intensely, without even really knowing the person. We would have had so much fun. I would have won against you in all the video games. I’m a god at whatever I try. The thought of you coming over truly panicked me. My family wouldn’t have left us alone at all and I would be panicking so much before you came, trying to clean everything up just for you. I hate cleaning. Enough about the past. I don’t even think I can say everything that’s happened to me and how I’ve changed. I haven’t ever changed this much in this little time. I guess I’ll start from the beginning of the end. Within a few weeks of you leaving me, I had 4 people ask me out. Crazy I know. You know what’s even crazier? You know how I said people, that’s cause even a girl asked me out. I can just imagine your face if I told you that. I even talked to two guys, both for a few weeks. One of them from a different school. He was really nice and sweet but he wasn’t you. All I could think about when I was talking to him was you. I even told him about you. Kind of a bitch move on my part, oops. Now I feel bad because he really liked me. I told him I liked Grey’s and every night after that he would send me a picture of his tv playing greys. The other boy was actually a boy from Greely. The year above us. I’m not gonna say his name. He really really liked me. Like said I love you to me within a week type. I of course didn’t say it back because he isn’t the one I love. He also sent me pictures of his shrimp so like that was gross.
You know how I said my relationship with my family wasn’t good? Well you might think I said that as an excuse but it’s really the truth. We started going to family therapy. I hate it. It’s so annoying. It’s only for an hour every other week but man it is pure tortoure. My sister is crazy. I’m telling you that girl is bad shit crazy, like not to be funny. Its really fucking hard to live with her in all honesty. The amount of times she has made me want to jump off the roof. At about ¾ through the video call with the therapist, she gets mad because she thinks that we are targeting her and storms off even though she isn’t allowed to do that. Once the end calls, I usually run upstairs to my room to cry because it is just so hard to hear everyone argue.
Not sure how I can put this lightly but I have horrible depression. I have since January, I just hid it from you and also my family. I just really suck at saying how I feel. I’m pretty sure you already know that. I also just thought I was faking it, if that makes sense. Once you go to bed some days I would just immediately break down and you never knew. Not your fault of course. Also the next few things are very heavy, just warning. Anyways, only a few people know, not my parents of course, but I’ve been self harming since February. I usually get clean for a little under a month or a little over and then start up again for a week or two. I’m actually the longest I’ve ever been since I started rn . I’m 1 month and 12 days clean. I also tried to kill myself once. That wasn’t fun. I don’t recommend it. I would say I’m past that but I’m really not and can't really imagine being past it. I’m trying to get help but the funny thing is that my parents do not believe me. I thought parents were supposed to notice and support you through that but I guess not mine. I think tomorrow I’m going to tell them everything and go to the hospital but I’m not sure. I just want to be happy again you know. This isn’t because of you, it was happening before you and was going to happen with or without you.
Now for some happy things that have happened in my life. I finally got my permit. I’m pretty good at driving actually. Remember when we did that tik tok and you said I would be the worst driver. Well turns out that isn’t true and that I’m actually the best. I’m pretty humble, I know. The first time I drove with the instructor, he was so convinced that I’d driven before that he accidentally took me on the highway. I was fine but I was practically shitting my pants the whole time and sweating buckets. Another happy thing is that my field hockey career is really working out for me right now. I ended up having a short little season with my travel team and we got to have a tournament. I also got my first email from a college which said they were interested in having me play for them. Not a college I want to go to, it’s so far away but it’s nice to know that even coaches across the country know who I am. I started an instagram account so it is easier to get recognized by colleges that might not have the program I use. It’s turning out great and I already have a handful of D3 schools following me. My dream is to play at least D2, which I have one following me but I’ve only had the account for less than a week. It is nice to know my dreams that people used to say would never happen are happening. It’s crazy and doesn’t really feel real.
I think I need to heal myself before I can go to you. It wasn’t fair of me to expect someone to love me when I didn’t even love myself. I’m sorry for doing that to you. You deserve better than the broken version of me. I promise I’m fun, just not right now. I’ve never ever felt this way about someone like this before. Not even close. I’m not sure why I’m so drawn to you. Your name is in my head all the time, everything I do reminds me of you. I feel like we are magnets, but it seems like we have opposite poles in your perspective. I don’t even know you that well and you don’t know me at all. I think we were maybe a right person, wrong time. Or at least that’s how I feel about you. I feel like I’m a fucking crazy person saying this cause you don’t feel the same way but whatever. It would be pretty cool to meet each other in a city one day when we are older and reconnect. We would then get married and have three children even though I really want 4. I think they would be pretty cute since they have your genes. We would live in a big house that you designed and that I decorated. We would have a dog and you would convince me to get a cat even though they scare the shit out of me. We would have a pool in the backyard so I can tan while you play with the kids in the pool. Throwing them in and out of it while they giggle. We would have game nights and I would always win because you know I’m a god at anything I try to do. Hopefully when our kids have to present in school they don’t say um 36 times. Everything would be perfect. Not that I’ve thought this out or anything.
Love you always and forever.
