Hear Me
Am I in a happier place? No, I hear voices, but I can’t see where I am. Wait, is that Cashmere? Everything is pitch black but I can hear sounds. Not clearly, but not too muffled.
“It’s your fucking fault, you asshole,” I hear Cashmere yelling to someone.
She doesn’t sound too clear and yet I can tell it’s her and she seems angry. There is the silence after. Silence of words but a lot of crying.
“Why the hell are you blaming me for this?!”
“Vonne, loves you, damn it,” I hear Cash scream, “and you played with her emotions!!”
“She knew I didn’t want to be in a relationship with her!”
I make out that it’s Thomas who snaps back.
“But why are you acting like you are in one,” Cashmere asks still yelling but this time while sobbing.
I hear Thomas let out a deep sigh. Then I hear what I think, him walking out of the room and a door closing. Now I can hear his deep voice faintly talking to someone else, but can’t make out what he’s saying or who it is he’s talking to. The door opens again, and it’s Thomas. I know this because I can hear him sighing, clearing his throat, and footsteps approaching where I am. It’s like I can feel him looking down at me. His eyes... they must be filled with tears because I feel a drop fall onto my cheek.
“I don’t know how much longer she will be here… She won’t wake up! It’s all my fault! You are right about everything you said,” he says. You’re right that it’s my fault, but we aren’t in a relationship, Cashmere!”
I guess it’s true what they say about being able to hear and sometimes feel things when you’re in a coma. I am in a coma, right? I must be. It’s almost like I’m listening to a tv drama while sleeping or dreaming it. Like some people dream about the last thing they saw on tv when dozing off.
“I need you two to be calm! They’re going to kick us all out of here!”
Ming! If I can hear her voice, everyone must be here! I know I wanted to leave. I kinda still do, actually, but it’s still nice to hear Thomas and my friends. Wait, what do I say if I wake up? Looks like I’ve created more problems while trying to get rid of them.
I heard Ming say that they were all going to get kicked out. From what I’ve seen when I would visit Karma on her lunch break, the hospital rooms have the main room and then another right outside the room. Kinda like a room within a room. These types of rooms are only for patients who want privacy and be able to have their family there without bothering other patients. So everyone may be out in the other room, which after what I tried to do, only means I’m in the hospital.
Ming’s right, if they don’t stop all of this fighting, they will all be moved to a waiting area and only two will be allowed in here with me at a time.
“I don’t know what you two are arguing about, but I can tell that isn’t good. Just stop! Please?!”
“I can’t be here,” I hear Cashmere says, “I’m going to the waiting area before I say something to him I’m sure I won’t regret!”
I hear Cashmere storm out with two sets of footsteps following slowly behind.
***
It’s been quiet for some time. I lay here in the darkness and wonder, “Will I try again?” I have no one to talk to and all I can think about is why I’m in this predicament in the first place. I am so stupid. Here I am laying here wondering if I would do this again. Obviously, suicide didn’t help either because I am just here in the darkness. Not able to move or see. Just lay here while everything goes on around me.
My mind is wandering, spinning like a wheel with an arrow on it, and the arrow stops in my past. Very distant past. I’m seeing myself sitting in a clinic room in tears. I’m in my early twenties. There is a nurse with papers in her hand. I can’t stop crying because that was the first time I found out I was HIV positive.
“Miss Dent, do you know how to contact your past and current partners?”
I remember sitting there, full of shame. Then I made a selfish decision.
“I don’t know their numbers,” I said.
I lied because I didn’t want anyone to know my results. What if they thought I had the virus when it was one of them? It wasn’t a lot of partners. I have only been with a few people.
“How many people have you been with?”
“Not many. Can you please retest me? The results have to be wrong!”
The nurse sat down in a nearby chair and looked at me with concern.
“I understand how you feel about this test. The test is positive, The lab already checked three times. We will have to inform your partners and tell them that they are at risk of getting the virus if they don’t have it already. It would be best if you told them yourself, but we are required to reach out to them.” the nurse said to me.
She handed me a piece of paper to write the numbers down. She was right, I should’ve called my past partners myself because they were not going to like hearing about their partner being HIV positive from someone else. I just couldn’t do it.
“I don’t know their numbers,” I said again as tears fell down my face.”
“Would you at least tell your mother,” the nurse asked.
“No!”
I didn’t want anyone to know. If I told anyone, it would be when I was ready. So I kept it to myself for a very long time. I didn’t want to be looked at as poison. The word contagious makes me cringe. People would look at me as if I was. So I didn’t tell my partners, my family, or my friends. Then there was Ming.
Ming and I have been friends for a long time. Years later, after my finding out I was positive, we were around our late twenties or early thirties and I was still obsessing over my HIV results. I remember going from clinic to clinic, taking the test over again. I just knew the results were wrong. After I had visited just about every clinic in Chicago, I gave up, but was still in denial.
“Something on your mind,” Ming asked while looking as if she was studying me.
“No,” I said while fidgeting.
Ming put her long dark hair behind her ear and just sat there staring at me. She looked like something was on her mind too but she was more concerned with me.
“You know you can talk to me, right,” Ming said as she pushed my curly hair out of my face.
I sighed deeply. I wanted to tell someone but, what if it had gotten out? What if I told someone and they use it against me later? I wanted to keep it to myself but it was eating at me dealing with this on my own.
“I don’t know, Ming. I just don’t want to talk about it right now.”
“Listen, we have been friends a long time. I won’t push, but whatever it is, I hope it gets better.”
The pressure was building up in my body. It was as if it was telling me to tell her. I tried to fight it but thought, maybe it would be good to tell someone. I’ve known her since we were in school and I’ve seen how she reacts in certain situations. I didn’t think she was the type that would talk and gossip. So I took in a deep breath and after exhaling, I decided to tell her everything that went on at that clinic some years earlier.
“I’m HIV positive”, I told Ming, softly. “I found out years ago. The nurse kept pushing me to tell my partners, but I couldn’t do it! I know it was wrong, but I couldn’t! I figured they will find out sooner or later themselves like I did.”
We both sat in silence. We were at the lakefront along Lake Shore Drive on the south side. I remember that day well. It was a nice sunny day. Warm. The smell of grilled meat and spices was in the air. We were sitting on a bench facing the water. That day was beautiful and it still didn’t change my mood. I looked at Ming for her reaction, and she is looking down at her lap. Did I make the right decision in telling her? I didn’t like the silence.
“Well, you’re not alone, Vonne, because so am I.”
“What? How?”
As Ming sat up straight, she moved her hair that fell down over her eye behind her ears again and looked straight at me.
“I am not going to tell you how I got it, but I am.”
Well, I didn’t want to tell her, so I definitely wasn’t going to push. I understood why she kept it in. Did it feel good, me telling her? It did a little. I just wished there was a cure.
“I’m sorry, Ming. I won’t say anything just please keep mine a secret, too?”
“I know you won’t and your secret is safe with me.”
Tears were forcing themselves out in a heavy flow. How was Ming so calm? I have been losing my damn mind for the last few years. I wished I could be as stoic as she was.
We sat quietly for about five minutes and as I’m thinking back on it now, I think she was thinking bout her positive status as I was mine. She put her arm around my shoulder and let me cry it out. It felt good to tell someone and I felt that Ming was the person I could tell. I don’t know how long we sat there, but I do remember that Ming was there and that helped me a lot.
“You are a good friend to me, Ming. Thank you for being here with me today.”
I looked up at her and smiled, even with a face stained with tears. I knew she was going to be okay because of her positive attitude and that made me feel better about myself too. She said we should go home so I agreed and we got up from the bench. We rode back to my house in silence but it wasn’t awkward or uncomfortable like before when we were talking about my HIV status. It felt nice to have someone who cared enough to listen...no judgment...to understand what I was feeling.
***
My thoughts are interrupted by someone grabbing my hand and holding it firmly. I’m not sure whose hand it is but it isn’t soft like a woman’s hand. They are silent except for the sound of low sobbing. Then suddenly, my hand drops. Whoever the person is, has their attention elsewhere.
“Good morning! I’m Dr. Manning, and you are?”
“I’m Thomas. Will she be okay?”
It was Thomas? Where is everyone else? It seems so quiet now.
I hear heels. Who is this coming in here now?
“That’s what I wanna know, too. I’m Cashmere, her sister.”
“It’s hard to say for sure with coma patients. The pill bottle the woman gave me… I believe her name is Ming, had the drug Norco in it. No one can tell me if the bottle was full or how many pills were inside before the patient took them. We have given her Naloxone intravenously to help counter the overdose. We will give her more if needed. The breathing tube she has inserted is to make sure she is comfortable since having too much of the drug can affect the breathing.”
How long will I be like this? Now that I didn’t move on to a “better place”, I just want to wake up and hide in my room in my house until everyone forgets this ever happened.
“We are constantly monitoring her. I see the rest of your family are in the other room asleep. Try and get some rest. Maybe there will be better news later. You can also talk to her. It seems to help in some cases with coma patients.”
“Thanks, Doctor.” I hear Thomas say as, I guess, it is the doctor’s footsteps departing.
So, I guess that means it’s all up to me then. I have been trying to wake up for a while now, but nothing is working. How do you even get out of a coma?
“When she gets out… not if, but when, you better tell her how you really feel, Thomas. I don’t care if you like her or not. Just tell her the damn truth!”
I can hear and sense Thomas’ frustration because of the way he is sighing. Cashmere doesn’t know that he knows I’m positive. He is dealing with it the best he can. And it’s worse when she doesn’t know about it.
“And why is Renee even here? Go take her home!”
“Cash, I’m not going anywhere until I know Vonne is going to be okay.”
“So you have your date waiting on you to take her home while you are here with another woman? The woman you keep hurting?! What kind of man are you?!”
“Look, Cash, get the fuck off my back, alright! Renee knows that Vonne is a friend and this is a very sensitive situation right now. I know you don’t get that, but I’m not going anywhere!”
Renee is still here? Why would she be? Well, she wouldn’t want to leave while Thomas is here with me. Who is she to him? I need to wake up. I know I wanted to end this but I still have questions. Given that I’m not even dead yet, I may as well stay and find out everything. Or am I wasting my time?
“Do you want us to get put out of here?”
“No, Ming, of course not. I think he should leave, though.”
“Cash, he is here to support and Vonne is a friend of his. I know you’re upset but put that aside. We are all here for Vonne.”
All except Renee. I remember the killer eyes she gave while we were at Navy Pier. I’m surprised she hasn’t pulled Thomas out of the hospital or put him in here with me. I got a glimpse of Renee back at the house when Thomas and Ming were over me while they tried to keep me conscious. She had a look of disgust seeing Thomas over me. If I don’t die, Renee will kill me off herself.
“I want to get out this costume but I’m afraid to leave you two here.”
“If you want to change, go on, Ming. I won’t fight with Cash anymore. I’ll sit in the other room with everyone else. She can stay here with Vonne.”
“With everyone else? Don’t you mean with Renee?”
“That’s it! I’ll change later. I’m going back outside. Let’s go, Cash.”
“Fine! I can’t look at him anyway. I have a few words for Renee as well.”
“Cash!”
“Ugh! Fine, fine, Ming! Let’s go!”
Wow! Usually, Cash doesn’t get that upset about hardly anything, but I see she is. I wonder if it’s Kia being back here as I feel she never got over what she did with Cash’s fiancé.
I guess Thomas is still here. I hear footsteps. Then a hand caressing me so gently. I heard when Ming and Cash left, so it has to be him. Assuming I wake up, I’ll have a lot of fixing to do. This is all my fault! Cash and Thomas were getting along the last time I was conscious. When we were all dressed up in costumes, dancing it out at the pier. Then I ruined it. To be fair, I thought I would be at the next stop after coma. But since I’m here and that stop isn’t out of the woods yet, I need to think about how I’m going to fix this instead of the plan, running and hiding.
“Vonnie, it’s me, Thomas. You better not die on us. How could you do this?! I love you! I love you, damn it! Why the fuck did you do this, Vonnie!!”
I… I hate that everyone is upset over me. I did it to get away. I felt I didn’t get a fair chance. I feel like crying. Can someone in a coma cry? I’m sad when I was conscious, I’m sad when I’m in a coma! And either way, the sadness is over one thing. HIV and how it’s affecting everything. And what does he mean “he loves me”? How when he’s with someone else. He doesn’t want to be with me but want to do things like he is.
“You know, when you first told me you were HIV, It sort of bothered me. Then I got to know you and sometimes, it was like you didn’t tell me at all. I fell for your smile, your eyes, your chats, though short, were really nice.”
Why didn’t you tell me that in the beginning?! I felt really unwanted. Ugh… I wish he could hear me. If he feels this way, why not just act on those feelings and not act as if we are just friends?
“Last night, when I saw you at the dance, you were beautiful. Stunning! Even when you were trying to hide your feelings, I could tell that I was hurting you. Renee means nothing to me. I met her a long time ago, online. She later moved to Chicago to meet me and tried to make me love her. At the time, she was good for one thing. I even told her up front that this is meaningless sex and it was going to stay that way. Only a scratch to my itch. But you... you, I can’t stop thinking about. When I lay in bed at night, I think about you. I’m working on projects, working out, well shit, on a drive, I’m thinking of you! I should’ve just told you, Vonnie. I should have just told you.”
I just… I don’t know what to think. It seems being unconscious or dead isn’t a better option because I’m still sad. The only thing good that’s happening at this moment is the feel of his touch as he has my hand in his. Yes, the things he said are good, but he may have waited too late.
“I love you but I am scared. I’m scared that if it comes out that you are positive, how will everyone react to us being together? This doesn’t stop my feelings for you, I just wish I was more comfortable being with you. Even the amount of research I’ve done on how to stay safe while intimate with you, still has me perplexed. I’m just not ready for that.”
He sighs heavily and I feel him wrap both of his hands around my right hand, shaking it like he is frustrated as he is still speaking to me.
“I love you, I made love to you that one time, but I still can’t keep my hands off you. Maybe one day soon, when I am more comfortable, I will give us a chance. I just want to make sure I am safe and that this doesn’t affect my acting career, should this gets out.”
And there it is. Finally, the reason why he’s been holding back. He is scared of me passing it on to him or that it will hurt his fucking image. I am upset, but I understand. I won’t even go with the “if it were the other way around” thing. I just have to really get over him and cut my loss and he needs to stop finessing me and if it’s just friends he wants us to be, then he should act like it. He gave me hope when he kept coming on to me like that. We need to be friends and that’s it!
***
“My baby, my baby, my baby!!!”
“Ms. Dent, we just have to make sure we think positive.”
“I tried to get her to talk to someone! I tried! She seemed fine!”
I can hear my mother crying uncontrollably and Karma trying to calm her. I hate when my mom is upset. When she is, I’m the one that usually consoles her. Now I’m here, not able to move or speak. Not able to hold her.
“Karma, I want everyone in here, damn it! I want to know what the fuck happened and why my daughter is in a coma!”
My mom just found out. Knowing Ming, she either kept the letter I left in the mailbox and told her verbally or read the letter to her in person and then brought her to me. My mom sounds like she doesn’t know but I’m not sure how the conversation went either. I just know I hear my mom is upset.
I hear multiple steps coming my way. Everyone from the dance can’t still be here. Can they?
“Well?! Something pushed my daughter to do this.”
“We don’t know, Ms. Dent. We are clueless just as you.”
“You’re around her more than I am, Cash!”
“You guys, let me and Thomas talk to Ms. Dent.”
“Wha-“
“Trust me, Ms. Dent.”
I don’t know what’s going on but the way I hear Thomas sighing, it may get messy. Why kick everyone out? I guess I’m about to find out since I can hear departing steps and then the door closing right after.
“So, Ming, why are the three of us here?”
“Ms. Dent, this is Thomas. He is a friend of Vonne’s. It’s only the three of us here because we know what she’s going through. She left you a letter that I found sticking out of the mailbox.”
“Let me see that.”
There is silence while I guess, my mom’s reading my letter. I hear my mother cry again as she reads the words I wrote under a tense heart, I feel myself struggle but I can’t move a muscle. I want out of this coma now! I need to get out!
“Ms. Dent, I know about your daughter’s virus and so does Thomas. The three of us and Jason are the only ones who know about it.”
“She told me and after our talk, I thought she was fine!”
“I know but your daughter wasn’t alone the whole time. She told me years ago.”
“It’s my fault and I wish I didn’t meet you under these terrible circumstances, Ms.Dent. I love your daughter and I may be the cause of this.”
“No, She told me that it’s not your fault Thomas,” I hear Ming say, “the issue that you and Vonne have was just the icing on the cake.”
“First, Jason has hurt my baby, and now you?!”
“Ms. Dent, you have to understand that your daughter and I had—“
“Stop! Both of you just stop! I want to sit quietly with my daughter. Can you two come back later?!”
“Sure, Ms. Dent,” I hear Ming say. “We will be out in the other room. Come on Thomas.“
As I’m hearing the situation between my mom, Ming, and Thomas, I feel myself get this dizzy feeling and I feel heavy vibrations going throughout my body. How is that when I’m laying down? Something is wrong. Everything is so muffled. I can’t hear anything!
If I could just… move an arm… scream… something!
“Hey baby, you alright?”
“Thomas?”
He looks at me while biting his lower lip then smiles. His smile always makes the feeling of butterflies swarm in my stomach.
“I know staying in bed is tempting, but I want to spend the day with you,” he says before leaning in and planting his soft succulent lips onto mine.
Is this real? We are in a huge bedroom with contemporary panel-style wood furniture in warm grey with oak grain tones throughout. The bed we are laying on is huge. The sun is coming in through floor-length windows that are covered in pewter-tone curtains. On the nightstand closer to Thomas sits a picture frame with a couple in it. I can’t tell who it is because the faces are blurry.
Where are we?
“You act as if you’ve never been here before, Vonnie.”
“Where are we,” I ask again still looking around.
“Did Cash get you high?” Thomas sits up in the enormous bed, leans in, and gives a soft peck on my shoulder. “We’re home, Vonne.”
Home? I guess this is what it’s like to die. All of the things that make you happy are what you go through in heaven I gather from watching shows about life after death. But there is only one thing wrong with that. I committed suicide. From what my grandmother used to always tell me when I got into my “leaving the world behind” mode, was that I won’t see happiness after death if I took my own life. I don’t believe in all that. Or do I? She said that people who took their life would see eternal suffering. They would be in hell.
This doesn’t look like hell to me. If I knew what was going on, I would enjoy whatever this is, much better.
“Thomas, am I HIV positive?”
“Yes, but you know that already. What’s wrong with you?”
He looks at me with this blank stare. I turn away feeling foolish. He places his large dark chocolate-colored hand over mine as if everything’s okay. I look at the swirl of vein roads on the top of his hand. I always feel protected when he holds me or has his hands over mine. I just feel so secure,
“Something weird is going on, Thomas. It’s like I been asleep for a long time and then I wake up and the world is different.”
“Well my world is good as long as you stay in it. That’s why you’re my wife. I can’t be without you, Vonne. I almost lost you before… that won’t happen again.”
Wait, so I’m alive? The last time he almost lost me, I was in a coma hearing the commotion going on around me between my friends and my mom. Now we are married?! Where is the part where he asked me or the ceremony? I mean really, was there a wedding while I’m just about on my deathbed?
“I’m sorry… I’m a bit confused.”
“Get dressed and meet me downstairs, baby. Your friends will be here soon, remember?”
He hurries to get himself together while I sit on the bed, probably with a puzzling look on my face, thinking about the missing pieces of my life. I look over to the picture on the nightstand again. This time the two faces that were once blurry, are now becoming clear. The couple in the photo is me and Thomas. Our wedding photo!
I was in a coma. I remember that much, but the rest is fuzzy. The last thing I remember was hearing my mom, Ming, and Thomas talking about me, and then… nothing. My head hurts so bad from all of the medication I ingested, and it feels like someone else is in control of my body right now. My thoughts are not my own anymore and they’re very scattered at this point. I can’t even focus on one thought long enough. This thought or whatever this is, I’m married to the man I fell for.
***
“So you got him.”
I turn to see who the voice belongs to. There’s Renee, still in her Halloween costume. Why? Thomas and I woke up in bed, in next to nothing.
“Excuse me?”
“Thomas. He chose you to spend the rest of his life with?”
“I can’t remember anything,” I mumble.
“What did you say, Vonne.”
“Nothing. What do you want, Renee?”
“Was it worth it?”
It’s dark outside now. A flash from outside catches my attention. Lightning. It’s storming heavily outside. Ignoring Renee I look at my surroundings, Thomas has left me to get ready and all of a sudden, I’m in a kitchen with a friend of his.
“I told you that I didn’t want nothing serious, Renee. You came to see me from L.A. and I still said no.”
Renee and I both turn to the deep low agitated voice and it’s Thomas standing in the kitchen doorway with a look of annoyance.
“Then why Yvonne, huh? Why are you showing your softer side to her? Is it because she’s committed suicide for you?!”
What? I didn’t commit suicide for him. As much as I wanted to give my reasons, I know I can’t because that would mean I would have to tell Renee about my medical history. And I don’t want to do that.
“Renee… stop it!”
“Is it Thomas? Or is it because she’s younger?”
“Stop, Ren—“
“Prettier?!”
“Renee!!!”
“Her pussy is better than mine?!”
I watch them go back and forth. Over me? I make several attempts to break it up. It was like they were talking over me. Like I’m not visible to them anymore. There is a chair nearby. I put it to a huge picture window to try and block them out and to see where my mom and friends are.
When I sit down, the window turns into a cloudy mirror. I quickly stand as I’m startled by the change of scenery. First, there’s my reflection. Then slowly Thomas and Renee come in. Both are arguing inside the mirror and then there is Renee and Thomas here with me. It’s so dreamy inside the mirror. Our counterparts are not as visible but you can tell it’s the three of us.
“Stop it” Just stop it,” I scream.
The bickering continues. Then the inside of the mirror changes. Our reflections is me looking into the mirror on their side while Thomas and Renee argue by the counter outside the mirror where I am. Outside the mirror, Thomas walks away from me then back to me, and grabs my hand. Now inside the mirror, I turn to see that Thomas has done the same except when he grabs my hand, it is eerily delayed. Thomas is talking but he’s becoming a blur.
The inside of the mirror turns into a hospital room. I’m not looking at the mirror anymore. Now my reflection is in a hospital bed with a breathing tube going down my throat and where Thomas and Renee continue bickering. I have views of a hospital setting, which is inside the mirror, and of the kitchen where we are.
My side of the mirror changes. We are still mimicking ourselves but in a different room setting except I’m not in a hospital bed here.
“Renee means nothing to me. Nothing! You had nothing to worry about Vonne. You didn’t have to do this!”
Both Thomas, the one here with me, and the one in the mirror are looking at me. I’m standing, I’m sure, with expressions of confusion looking at him after he tries to reassure me that Renee means nothing and my double, inside the mirror is motionless on the hospital bed with Thomas looking down at me pleading his same argument. Is this what the afterlife is about?
***
“Pretty eyes, can ya hand me that there tv remote?”
“Pretty eyes”? The only person who called me that was my grandmother. If she were still alive, I would have told her everything. She was someone I trusted. I can trust my mom too, it’s just that when she gets upset, she needs to tell someone about it. My grandmother would have kept it between me and her.
I see a younger version of me give my grandmother, the remote. Okay, what… the… fuck? I look around to see where I am now. We are in my house, except the decor looks like it’s in the seventies and eighties. I remember that we all lived in this house together. My grandparents, mom, my aunt, and me. I can only see my grandmother here now with 5-year-old me.
Over by the front door where we keep a desk in my time, I see the same mirror that was in the house I woke up in with Thomas. It’s still showing me in the hospital bed, unconscious but this time without the breathing tube. Instead of Thomas and Renee bickering, I see my friends and my mom taking turns talking to an unconscious me. I must be dead. If this is what happens after you die, then I’m going to be miserable here too. I guess whoever said ’you can’t run from your problems was right. This is what Hell looks like.
“You gon grow up into a beautiful woman, Pretty Eyes.”
My younger version just looks at the tv like she… I… didn’t hear what my… our grandmother said. She... I watch old cartoons with interest. The colorless cat chasing the mouse on the black and white screen has me… her… interested. It’s weird looking at yourself and it’s really weird when you are years younger. I pull up a chair and sit behind my grandmother and my younger self. I watch them interact like I’m watching a tv show. I can still see the mirror too. Nothing changed there.
“I always tole ya, Pretty Eyes, that God won’t put too much on ya. He’s wit ya no matta what. There’s always a test.”
I’m hearing my grandmother speak but my focus is on what my young self is watching on the tv. The cartoons that were on television have changed on its own. Now we are watching me in the hospital just like I had seen in the mirror. Except only my mom is there. She is caressing my face while she cries silently.
I feel a hand on my shoulder which makes me jolt out of my seat and my attention from the tv to see my mom standing behind me. My grandmother and younger self are watching the hospital scene on the tv screen.
“You hurt me, baby. You hurt me to my core! If I lose you, a piece of me will be gone. You are the best gift given to me and now I may lose it forever.”
Tears are falling. I never wanted to hurt my mother. She looks so defeated. Looking at me but it’s as if she is looking through me. I reach out to touch her face, but it has no effect on her. Her voice starts to echo as if I’m hearing her from two different TVs. I look from her to the mirror and then to the tv. She is talking to me while I’m unconscious. Everyone can touch me in this place where ever I am but I can’t touch them. Thomas did when I was with him and now my mom. I can’t touch anyone. If I do it doesn’t seem to phase them. This isn’t what I want. I don’t like it here!
“Mom! Mom!”
I shout as loud as I can but she doesn’t see me. She doesn’t answer me either. I just stand and watch my mom talk to me like I’m here but not. Her face is so sad yet beautiful. I wish I could be there to comfort her.
“What I tell ya, Pretty Eyes?”
I can hear my grandmother start up again but my focus is on my mom as she continues talking to me.
“Ya don’t run from nothin. Didn’t I tell ya that, girl?! Now look at ya, ya got ya mama worked up. Ya should not have done what ya did. We raised ya better than that!”
For some reason, I can hear my grandmother starting to sound angry. I look away from my mom and slowly turn back to where my young self was with my grandmother, but my grandmother is right in my face with a maniacal look. I fall back on the hardwood floor, right on my ass. The look on my face I’m sure is terror. She was in the chair and now she’s nearly on top of me. She is so angry. I’ve never seen my grandmother like this.
“What have ya done?! Ya think this is the easy way out?! How dare ya leave me!! How could ya?!”
Leave her?! What the hell is she talking about? She died years ago. She and my grandfather left us.
“Ya come back, ya hear me?! Vonnie, baby, please come back to me?!”
My grandmother is furious and in tears. My younger self is no longer here and my mom is gone too. On the tv, I can see my mom saying what my grandmother is saying to me here. My grandmother is scaring me. The look on her face is almost evil.
“Vonne, Vonne!”
What is this? I’m feeling vibrations that I can’t control again. Everything quickly goes dark and I can’t see my grandmother anymore. I can only hear her same angry outbursts at me. She starts to sound strange. Like her voice is morphing into someone else. I no longer hear my grandmother. Now it’s my mom with the same angry outburst at me. Calling my name over and over. I hear others. My friends are clamoring over each other and a man that I heard before along with a woman. The woman I’m not familiar with. Is this the real deal? Am I finally dying? Was I dead already?
***
“Vonnie, you’re okay. You’re okay.”
There is a man and woman standing over me in this really bright light. I can remember the man’s voice as the doctor who spoke with Thomas, Ming, and Cash when I was out. Now I can see, but it’s so blindly bright that I only see outlines of the Doctor and nurse who are hovering over me.
“Is she awake,” I hear Ming ask but I can’t see her.
“Yvonne. Yvonne, welcome back. I’m Dr. Manning. I see…
Where the hell am I now? Why is there a light shining in my face? I don’t hear the rest of what Dr. Manning is saying. I’m just done jumping from one dream to another or whatever it is.
“You gave us all quite the scare there.”
I feel touching and I’m seeing things that aren’t dreamy, but really bright but almost clearly. I can actually feel my toes move and then I try my arm. I can move! I’m so glad that I can move that I force myself to sit up causing the nurse and doctor to hold me back down, forcing me back to the pillow.
“Oh my god, she’s awake,” Karma says hurrying over to my left side where the nurse is.
I can see her! I feel tears coming down my face. My friend, I see her friendly face. Karma always had such a face. I try to reach up for her but the doctor and nurse refuse and hold me down again.
“You’re okay, Yvonne. Just stay still. We don’t want you to get too excited and hurt yourself,” Dr. Manning says while holding me down.
“My… mom. Where… is… she,” I ask as I attempt to speak as I try moving around to find her.
My throat is really sore and hoarse and my head is throbbing. I don’t care about that. I just want to see my mom. I remember how she took everything. I don’t know if it were a dream or if I can hear her while I was out, I just want my mom.
“Her vitals are okay,” says the woman over me. “Bp is 116/80.”
I lay silently while the medical team look me over. Another nurse asks all of my family and friends to go into the other room while they do an exam.
I can’t help but think was all of this worth it? I thought it was because I wouldn’t be here anymore. But it just added a lot of confusion and anger amongst the people I love.
Now that I can see, I look over at the glass window from my bed, that leads to the other room. The blinds are closed but not completely. Everyone seems to still be dressed in the costumes we wore the night of the dance, which leave me thinking I wasn’t here long. I look further down the glass window and I see my mom. Her face is distraught and there’s a pattern of dried tears all over her face. Our eyes meet and I see hurt, sadness, and anger in them all at the same time. She quickly turns and walks away from the glass leaving me feeling responsible. I really hurt my mom. If she is this way, how is everyone else going to act when I see them?
***
Today, I’m supposed to see a psychiatrist. I still feel sick and my head is pounding. Light hurts my eyes so the nurse closes the blinds and has the bathroom light on with the door open to give my eyes some relief.
I was told that I was in a coma for almost two days. Some people went home to change while others stayed the entire time. I look around the dimmed room and I see Thomas and Ming. Ming is on the side of my hospital bed in a chair with her head down on a pillow next to me while Thomas is in a chair on the other side of the bed. In the room outside, there is Jason, Kia, and Karma with Terrell. Renee is gone. My mom isn’t in there either. This makes me try to sit up which alerts Ming and Thomas.
“Wait, what are you doing,” Ming asks as she lifts her head yawning.
“Where’s my mom?”
“She left. She was really upset.”
My head and nausea aren’t allowing me to sit long so I lay back down. I look at Ming and Thomas. I try to study them because after seeing my mom’s reaction, I want to be prepared for how they react when I try to talk with them.
“Why would you do that, Yvonne,” Thomas asks as he is rubbing his eyes trying to wake up, “Did you do this to try and make me fully commit to you?”
“What?!”
My voice is still crackling and hoarse. Talking makes my throat hurt, and I am still preparing for this argument.
“You heard me,” he says with annoyance.
“Why do you think I would do that,” I ask angrily, “I did it because I didn’t want to be here anymore!”
I’m angry. What the fuck did he just ask me? So now everyone thinks I did it for attention. I did it for me. I didn’t want to keep going through what I’ve been going through.
“Just forget it, Vonne,” he says lowly as he rises from his seat and storms out.
“Are you next in line, Ming?!”
“You’re asking me that? The one who’s been by your side?!”
I sigh heavily at my stupid outburst. “I’m sorry, Ming, you’re right. I’m just upset, didn’t mean to take it out on you.”
“Listen, Vonne, people are having mixed feelings about all of this. Renee and Thomas had a huge blowout after the one he had with Cash. Renee was asking you while you were out if you were happy?”
Why does this sound familiar?
“Then, Thomas stands in the doorway and said something about them not being official, blah, blah,..”
Yeah, I saw and heard this conversation in my dream. It hurts that they think this. It especially hurts when the three people; Ming, Thomas, and my mom, know what I’m going through.
“During their argument, Renee said that you committed suicide because Thomas won’t be with you.”
What?! I know Renee doesn’t like me so I shouldn’t be surprised. I guess I just hate being lied on. Thomas is quick to shut me out and saying that to him may have put Thomas back to where she wants him. On her side.
“I know I didn’t do it for that reason,” I say in between breaths, “Who else feels that this was all for attention?”
Ming lowers her head after pushing her hair behind her ear. “Kia was sympathetic, but I’m not sure if she has something hidden that will come out later. I wouldn’t trust her.”
I don’t want to look at Kia but if she means well, I won’t be a bitch to her. I don’t know, Kia has a habit of doing things for her personal gain.
“I think I will just stay away from everyone for a while,” I say to Ming.
“No! I feel that will put you back where you were a few days ago or worse,” Ming says while shaking her head vigorously.
After my suicide attempt and the things I went through, I don’t think I will do it again, but the way everyone is behaving could easily change my mind. I think I’m glad it didn’t stick because I saw how my mom was and I hated that. I left Ming to deal with her issue alone when we were each other’s therapists. Right now, I only want to close my eyes and open them with everyone not hating my guts.
“I just want to rest, Ming. Can you just ask everyone to leave? I don’t want anyone else going off on me.”
“Sure. Get some rest and I’ll be back tomorrow. I love you.”
She gets up then leans in and kisses my forehead. I say nothing. My mind is active. I may lose everyone because of my stupid decision. I look at the window where I see Ming talking to everyone. Next, everyone single files out except Thomas who is glaring at me from his seat. I turn away. I hate it when he’s upset with me. I close my eyes, wishing him to be gone. When I open them again, I can see that my wish came true because the room is now empty.
***
The next day, I’m sitting on my bed in the hospital room. I can hear everyone talking but they aren’t near me, they are in the room outside. It’s like they’re afraid to come close to me because of what happened the night of the dance.
I feel more alone than I ever did. Ming is still with me, though. She leaves the group and enters the room where I am.
“Yvonne, you need to get up.”
I look at Ming who is standing by side of my bed with a cup of coffee in her hand and some breakfast on a plate for me. She smiles at me then takes the plate away from my hands and puts it on the table beside my bed. I guess she can see it in my face I wasn’t hungry.
“You should eat something,” she says before taking a sip of her coffee.
I sit up to attempt to eat, but feel so dizzy I lay back down. “Can I try and eat later?”
“Absolutely not,” she answers while removing the top of the dish, “Eat something because I want us to go for a short walk before you lose more stamina from laying down these past few days.”
Groaning at the thought of walking, I try to sit up again. This time Ming helps me put my legs on the side of the bed. I feel so sick but I know I need to eat something and laying down isn’t helping so I have to move around. Not only that, No one knows about my HIV, so I’m guessing I missed my regimen these last few days.
Ming helps me put on my hospital gown. She hands me a slice of toast from my breakfast plate that sits on the hospital tray. I take a small bite and put the rest on the plate so we can head out for our walk. I didn’t want it anyway.
“So, how are you feeling,” Ming asks as we walk down the hallway.
I try to smile but I feel so weak and my head is pounding, but I lie, “Better.”
She looks at me with a worried expression on her face. “Are you sure? You look pale.”
We reach the elevator that will take us downstairs where there is a coffee shop in the lobby.
“I’ll get us some coffee,” she says as she pushes the button for the elevator.
“No, I’m fine.”
The ride downstairs is silent. I feel about the same as I did the night of the dance when I tried to end it all. If Ming wasn’t here, I may have said fuck it all again and try a different method.
“I don’t think that you are, Vonne.”
“Why is everyone here again? Don’t they hate me?”
“No one hates you, Well except for maybe Renee.”
We both chuckle softly at that. Instead of going to the coffee shop, she walks me outside for some air. Once outside, there are benches available for the picking?
“Can we sit a sec,” I ask Ming while trying to catch my breath.
“Sure,” she answers as she helps me to a nearby bench. “You’re worse than I thought if you’re out of breath from that short distance.”
The sun feels warm and nice on my skin. Even when it’s bright, it feels good to get out of that building. Ming’s talking to me but I don’t hear her. My mind is on my mom and Thomas. They are both angry with me. I want to reach out but I feel I’ll make it worse if I try.
“Vonne, did you hear anything I said?”
I didn’t answer even though I heard her that time.
“Vonne!”
Then out of nowhere, I feel myself let go. I’m sobbing and I can’t stop. I may be 37 but I still need my mom and what I need from her is forgiveness. I don’t want her angry.
“Vonnie, honey, what’s wrong?”
Ming tries to console me but the tears keep on coming.
“It’s okay, bestie. If you want to sit here and cry, I’ll be here with you. Let it all out.”
She holds me and rubs my back, not saying a word. I continue crying until I can’t anymore.
***
Once back in my room, Ming gets a clean towel to wash my face. I’m so glad to be back in here. I feel safe after feeling stares and glares as I pass everyone in order to get back to my bed. Thomas and my eyes met for a quick sec before scoffing and turning away.
“If everyone is so angry with me, why are they here?”
Ming wrings the towel out in the plastic basin by my bed.“They are here to support, believe it or not.”
Ming washes my face as someone taps lightly on the door.
“Can I come in,” Thomas asks.
“I can leave if you need me to,” Ming says as she collects the towels and water-filled basin.
I grab her hand and I plead with my eyes for her to stay. Everyone is so angry with me that I need the one person who isn’t upset, to be here.
“It will be fine,” she whispers.
She puts everything in the bathroom and leaves the room, closing the door shut.
“How are you,” Thomas asks as he’s putting his back against the wall and folding his arms.
“If you don’t want to be here Thomas just leave,” I say looking straight ahead. I don’t want to look at him. He’s leaning on the wall glaring at me and it’s making me uncomfortable.
“Look, you didn’t have to do this because of me. I love you damn it! I would’ve come around!”
“I don’t think so,” I say still looking ahead, “you would’ve kept being touchy-feely and been with Renee too. Anyway, I didn’t do it just because of you, so stop it!”
I turn to look at Thomas who sighs and is slowly walking toward me. He sits on the bed and picks up my hand placing it into his.
“Thomas, I don’t know where you got the idea that all of this was for attention, but I promise you, when I did it, it was for me to be gone. And to stay gone.”
By this time I’m sobbing. He keeps saying he loves me but why would— it doesn’t matter.
“Renee and I slept together a few times. We are not married, we aren’t together, she is just there when I want it.”
I try to take my hand from him. Maybe I was just something he could fuck too. Knowing my situation, he could have used it to get what he wanted. If that’s what he’s doing to me, it sucks.
“The night I came to give you my decision about me being able to be with you despite your issue, I wanted to try it. I got scared and folded.”
He locks his fingers into mine. He uses his free hand to raise my face to look at him. His eyes are less intense and has soften from his irritation with me earlier. I don’t know if I’m being played. He is a good actor. But would he risk his health to play with my feelings?
“Vonne, promise me something.”
“Yeah?”
“I believe you when you said that it wasn’t for attention, but in the future, when something’s bothering you between us, will you come to me and don’t do anything to harm yourself?”
I sit quietly. My mind is so fucked up that I was just thinking of trying it again because it seems everyone hates me. And it’s not just about the people being angry with me, I am still positive and I don’t want to live this life with this virus. Now I’m asked to make a promise and I don’t know how my mood or mind will be in the future.
“Vonne?”
“Thomas, I won’t promise because depression doesn’t work like that but, I have a psychiatrist who I’m talking to. Maybe he can help? I just don’t want to lie to you.”
“Have you thought about doing it again?”
I look down at my hospital bracelet on my arm that’s sitting on my lap. I won’t lie but I am not ready for his reaction.
“I have, Thomas. When everyone was giving me the cold shoulder, my mom doesn’t want to see me, I did think about doing it over. I just can’t control my feelings and I tried for years. I have these thoughts when nothing is wrong with me and sometimes when there is a lot going on. I don’t know why I have them so frequently. I don’t think it’s just because of the virus or not being able to have someone love me, I just have the feeling. it’s so hard to explain. Everything can be good and I still think about leaving and not coming back.
Thomas moves closer to me so that we are both laying in bed together but one of his legs is on the bed while the other is hanging over the side. He puts his arm around me and we both lay back looking at the ceiling.
“You will get through this. I know you are having a rough time with your health… with life, but I’m here. I am here for you, Yvonne.
***
“What’s wrong, Mom,” I ask, “You’re not going to let me go home, are you?”
She sighs and shakes her head. “No, Vonnie. You can’t go back there.”
She says it like she’s trying to convince herself as much as me. Her eyes start tearing up again but she keeps on talking anyway.
“I know how hard this is for you...for all of us...” she takes a deep breath and continues, “...but we have no choice but to keep you here so that you can get some mental help..”
I feel the tears starting so I turn away from her. “I know, Mom.” I say in a small voice, “but you’re not going to let me go home, and I need out of here!”
She looks at me and shakes her head again. “No,” she says with tears in her eyes. “You can’t go back there. It’s not good for you there. Not now. Please continue the treatments and maybe when they have found something for your depression, that works, I will be comfortable in letting you go home.”
I sit in the chair, looking at my mother. She is standing by the window and I can see her reflection in it. Her eyes are wet with tears but she’s trying to be strong for me.
When I started talking with the psychiatrist, I tried to be as honest as I could. That landed me to be committed temporarily. The next time, I need to talk to one of those, I’m lying.
